Powerless

Some of you know I am helping lead a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I have personally always struggled getting past step 1 but thought this time ok I'm serious. Well the more we have read step one the more I am hung up again so I thought I'd might as well ramble about it on hear. Seriously, I would like your comments though because this is also something that I know holds up some of my clients. I'll try my best to organize my thoughts to make sense:
1st tonight a good friend looked up some definitions for me:
Powerless - lacking strength or power; helpless; ineffectual
Power - the ability or capacity to act or perform effectively; strength or force exerted or capable of being exerted; might; the ability to exercise control; authority
Power (according to my shame book I love by Brene Brown)- access to choice and the ability to effect change; to explore and create options
Ok - here is my problem step one of the 12 steps says:
We admiteted we were POWERLESS over OUR ADDICTION, hurts, habits, or hangups (whatever goes here for you) - that our lives have become unmanageable.
In Celebrate Recovery Principle 1 is:
Realize I'm not God (or your higher power) and that I am POWERLESS to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable.

Now I'll be the first to admit about sometimes my life being unmanageable but I have a HUGE OLE problem with saying I am powerless because I don't believe I am. I have never gotten past step one because of this. I strongly believe the we have free will and have the power within us to control our decisions and actions. Now whether we use that power to make bad decisions and to stay in our addictions or to change is up to us. For you counseling types insert Prochaska's stages of change here but I won't go into that. Now for Christians I know you insert in here, "we don't have the power but God does" Well don't get me wrong God may be powerful but didn't he give us free will to choose. Is that not the premise of Christianity that we have free will and yet we choose to sin thus we need a bridge to be clean again before God yet we have the power to make that decision God does not decide that for us. So Christian or not I just struggle getting past this. For instance just one of my many addictions overeating - ok you put a bowl of queso in front of me and some chips and you think I have control to say no I'm not going to eat any? Guess what ABSOLUTELY!!! but often I CHOOSE to eat whatever I want whether I need to or not. Now because of my addictions and hurts I may feel powerless like I don't have control but I sit in counseling session after counseling session offering clients hope that they DO have control that they can decide to make their own decisions. Now again for Christians I am not saying that having a relationship with God cannot help things and refocus us on striving for a sinless life so to speak but I still think that within us that is our choice.

Ok - I'll stop I don't know if this is very clear but I would like to see what some of you out there especially you Tesney think about all this!!!

The Ups and Downs of This Week

I love roller coasters that is probably an understatement. I love the slow climb to the top and then the free fall with the wind blowing my contacts dry and the jerking and arms in the air everything I love it but this week I found out what an emotional rollercoaster was like and I can't say I'm a fan.

It all started out when Steve called me Sunday and was sick and wouldn't be able to lead Celebrate Recovery (see favorites for more info on this). I agreed to do the talk forgetting how much I'm not a fan of standing up in front of others talking but it went well and hopefully the attendees have a place of safety to find support. I won't go into all the emotions CR brings up in my personal life but just summarize that that is an emotional roller coaster with in a big one.

Then stressful day on Monday with clients which I won't expand on and a project due in class. We get it done and Tuesday was a slow climb to the top and the beggining of the free fall and it was busy but good. Wednesday started out good screaming as the end was in sight but soon the jerking began and man between all of us class mates needing a break and a rather emotional tense hard session I was barreling out of control. Things got better Thursday and Friday as I met friends for coffee, lunch, and just relaxed and had fun and somehow my clients all figured out to cancel because I needed a break!!! But there was even some drama thrown in there Thursday afternoon with my externship and a trip to the doctor well that is all I have to say about that. But then finally last night the week screeched to a happy halt as a bunch of us gathered and watched Elf a great funny Christmas movie (well I could personally do without the last 10 minutes or so but the rest is hilarious)!!! One thing I was reminded of is the treasure of the people in this program and the friends and support that I have. Here are some pictures from last night and something I wrote that pretty much sums up the difficult sessions of the week....

Sometimes this is what I scream up when I feel inadequate trying to offer clients a glimmer of hope:

Do you look down and see my inadequacies?
When I don't know what to say
Or where to go
When a soul sits in front of me
Crying out for help
And I have no answers
My offering of hope seems so shallow
Do you see me?
Do you?
Do you hear my babblings?
My searching for questions to ask to pass the time
because I don't know what to say or to do-
I don't know what wisdom to impart
Do you feel the ache in my heart?
Are you the one that allows the tears to well up
As part of me empathizes and feels for the hurting and oppressed
While another part of me sees how you have so blessed me.
How do I relate?
How do I sit in their presence?
Where will I find wisdom?
Do I have the strenght to hold it together?
The patience to be patient?
How do I offer hope?
Is there even hope?

My Fabulous Social Research Class

Well thank goodness this semester is almost over because to be frank it hasn't been my absolute favorite as far as classes go but there is one class that tops them all: SOCIAL RESEARCH. Now I tried to have a good attitude about a research class but from day one it just was not happening but not it has digressed to lists and writings about a "Day in the Life of a Social Research MFT Student" as follows:

Once again I stroll into the old people classroom
Another day of lecture in the gerentology world
Intermixed with the random acronyms and quotes from the prof
I wonder if CPA will be randomly defined again
Or if it will still stand for "cut and paste artist"

At least today social research is about marriage
And not how to do surveys on horses
But I will have to say I laugh more about the horse training seminars
Of course we also eagerly await the rants and raves on Highland
Or another story of "My momma's fried chicken"
Maybe one day ACU will let our prof tell that story again in chapel

Who will he pick on today
Lucky for me my time seems to be over and he knows my name
Not so for all of my classmates
But after all he does need to learn all our names

We all sit and have a dead stare on our face
All that is except the couple of students who are in tune
Soon the finders find the keys on the cell phone
With a goal of discovering whose ringer is still on
But in reality texting is all that keeps us sane.

I glance at the clock for the 100th time
ONLY 9:37 - a whole another hour to go
How time barely floats along
But bro is making headway on that class Christmas list
At least we'll have a laugh later.

Oh wait now we have a class participation exercise
Maybe this will make at least 10 minutes go faster
After some random folds and tears
We can now put mass production of paper butterflies on our resumes.

We can't be going much longer
I've already read, well skimmed, the chapters for next week
I am so unbelievably bored
But I guess this is just another typical day
In wonderful Social Research Class.

(Only two more days of class to go!!!!)

Out of My Comfort Zone

So this morning I did the talk to begin class in my cultural diversity class (yes I like to say my professor conned me into this but....). For those of you who know me well you are probably well aware that this is at a very minimum out of my comfort zone and will be even more shocked that I actually shared something I had written a couple of years ago. Frankly I couldn't come up with anything else I could bear to do at 8 AM so.....I love to write but don't have a lot of confidence in it sometimes but the more I see clients and realize how hard a time of year the holidays can be for others even though I love Christmas the more this thing I title the "The Refugee's Decision" resonates. Anyway, I think often I get caught up in my family and how we all love Christmas and our excitement especially this year with Karlee being old enough to entertain us with ripping into packages instead of sitting there starring at them and I forget the hurt out there. I forget how those who have lost dears one feel, those who have bad memories of family, those with troubled finances, those in abusive situations that wonder where the joy is. I was even more reminded of the hurt in this world this past weekend when my friend from Austin called and told me about a California congressman's daughter she had befriended that died this past weekend at the age of 33. I won't go into details but I know there is a lot of guilt and hurt in that situation and I know they are not alone. Anyway, so I am going way out of my comfort zone and sharing this. The good thing is there can be a happy ending. My goal is with my clients to reach out and give them hope for a joyful time and I hope that for those you know hurting you can do the same...

The Refugee’s Decision


I wade into life as if I were in the ocean
With the peaceful waters lapping around my ankles
Softly cleaning the sandy grime covering me
I make my head believe how good life is
I pretend in my heart how invinsible I am

I pursue the waves further out
Crashing at my thighs and churning at my calves
As reality starts thrashing my soul
My heart experiencing the vulnerability and pain

But I am arrogant and strong
And I continue to plunge into the massive ocean
Craving the attention of the white pillow tops
Wanting to bury myself – to bury my inmost being
Where there is no wrath but a peaceful tranquility

But as I begin to trudge deeper and deeper in
The waves get bigger - the hurt goes deeper
They pull me under and clench my breath
As they begin to suck the air out of me

I fight to resurface through just enough of the ache
If only just for a short grasp of air
But the gulps are few and far apart and life becomes tender
The current pulls me further under into the deep deep secrets of my life
That I’ve allowed to toss me about as if a piece of driftwood

I feel trapped with nowhere to turn
Fighting a monster that has no end
One that lashes me continuously
Pulling me further away from air and hope


I’m a helpless refugee in the middle of the ocean of life with no ship in sight.


After minutes that seem like years
I’ve become comfortable in my state
And the thought of a rescue
Is now beyond my desire or grasp of reality

However on the horizon one draws close
I begin to thrash wildly to attract attention
But as the liberator comes closer
The comfort zone I’ve adapted takes over
And I go back to pursuing one breath at a time.

I slowly sink back into the depths alone;
a helpless refugee not wanting life.

Raft after raft, ship after ship,
Champion after champion
Yet I hide from fear
Taunted by the enemy
That has me in his grasp.

Yet longing in my heart for someone stronger
To pull me back to shallow ground
Away from the haunt of my fear
But I’m too scared of the inevitable wounds
So my mind is convincing my heart to accept my plight

As survival is drained from my being I give up and give myself to my adversary.

Then one comes along that won’t let me stay behind
Not looking for me but bumping into me
On a path only God could direct.
I feel the grasp on my hand and the gentle tugs
But I fear exposure out of what has become my comfort zone

But the liberator doesn’t give up but pulls harder
Exposing weaknesses I never dreamed of letting surface
She wraps her liferope around my waste
And slowly begins lifting me out of the mire

I continue to resist as deeply buried wounds are exposed
But she keeps heaving me out of the past
Heaving the hurt to the surface
Begging me to hand them over to the savior
The only one who can heal me from this filth

What will I do? Will I let go?

Will I elect the comfort of the fear in my heart
Or will I let these white caps bury the pain here
Spiraling me to the freedom I so long for?
Will I leave this muck that has become my home?

After an invigorating internal struggle
Giving up fades from my thoughts
I’m reenergized with strength and meekness
Humbly I reach out and let my pride slip away

I emerge from the torment cleansed
Enveloping my new life of freedom
Soul in soul with my savior
Now on the path to home.

Who Invented Time

Well I guess the natural answer to this would be the Creator of the Universe but sometimes I don't like that answer or maybe that is ok if I could just encourage the Creator to add just one hour to every day or maybe just add a couple of hours to the weekend. Of course I'm sure I would just find things to fill that time up and not have the quiet solitude I have been craving for say hmmm well about 30 years. I thought maybe I'd just make a list of the things that I don't have time to do. Notice this is not a list of the things that I wish I didn't have time to do because of course many of the things we don't have time to do are actually at times the things we wish we were doing. Therefore, that is why you won't find on this list things like reading for class, doing projects for class, seeing clients, Celebrate Recovery, talking to my parents, etc. Don't get me wrong not all of those things are things I don't want to do its just the things that get the priority I guess....
1. DO Jesus workbooks. Now I don't mean this in a derogratory (I don't have a clue how to spell that word) fashion but I do wish I had time to not necessarily do Jesus workbooks as my dear friend Lori calls them but to just think about spiritual and religious things and have meaningful conversations with people and how religion and their beliefs impact their lives. Perhaps some of this desire comes also from seeing the impacts and non impacts of spirituality on my clients. (Keep reading I promise I won't comment on every item!!!).
2. Afternoon Knap - I love afternoon power knaps only 10 minutes not longer but I'm reenergized.
3. Talk to and keep in touch with friends other than mass emails or blogs.
4. Cook real meals (other than warm up soup or lean cuisine dinners)
5. READ anything that I WANT to read I have so many things I couldn't begin to list them.
6. Exercise
7. Write (how am I ever going to write a book at this rate?)
8. Relax and hang out with friends with no guilt about what I'm not getting done
9. Read blogs I want to read and keep up with about cool interesting things my friends are doing or other's view point on things I have my favorites (see side bar) sadly they don't get visited very often though
10. Have SILENCE and SOLITUDE - I have heard from so many people how awesome and powerful this is. I want it but besides the time factor I think I'm a little scared of having extended solitude and silence (extended = more than 15 minutes). Maybe I'm scared of my own thoughts or of losing control, who knows I don't have time to find out!!!!

Even after all this I am so thankful that I do have the energy and talents to squeeze so much into the 24 hour days I do have including sleep, class work, and most important to me developing relationships.

One final thought - It is snowing outside well sort of. I think I probably missed the big snow storm of the season on Thanksgiving day. I heard enough snow to make snow balls which is a lot for Abilene but its snowing spitting sleeting mixed rain hey it looks like snow on the car windshield so I'm counting it as snowing. I love the snow it is so pretty white innocent and peaceful. I would like nothing better to wake up snowed in tomorrow morning so I could have a few hours to do whatever I wanted to....yeah fat chance!!!!

hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!!!!

One More Day

Most people title something "One More Day" to talk about their last day of experience in the single world before their wedding, the last day of peace and quiet before they are going to the Dr. to be induced into labor, the last day of spending time with school friends knowing that tomorrow is the ceremony celebrating all those accomplishments and thrusting you to the next level of life (also known as graduation), etc. Right now today for me "One more day" is the promise of sanity being brought back into my life even if only for four or five days. Calmness is not something that often rules my life, I usually overcommitt and want to hang out and be in the middle of everything and don't feed my introversion enough until on the verge of a breakdown but today I know that one more day of clients, class, intense cleaning for the fam coming, and packing and then I'll be on the road to Thanksgiving break and while maybe not some peace and quiet at least not having to run like a chicken with my head cut off.
Thanksgiving break will be spent first on the road to Little Rock then with my sister then a quick trip to Memphis to see Aunt, Uncles, and cousins and to see if my Aunt can rival my mom's turkey and dressing and then back to Little Rock. I can't wait. And with all the great upsets lately just maybe A&M will pull off another upset this year over TU!!!
Everyone have a great Turkey day and be safe.

CRICKETS AGAIN!!!!

I will try very hard to make a promise that this is the last time for this year that I discuss the disgusting crickets that plague my house. (notice I said for this year which will expire December 31, 2007). I worked my schedule out this past week where yesterday I would not have to go up to the clinic; which believe me is hard to do when you are scheduling and rescheduling about 16 hours a week in addition to your school work, Graduate assistant duties, accounting firm work, work for a supervisor in her private practice you get my sob story picture here. Anyway back to the story at hand. Knowing 1) that my weekends have to be productive in order to make it through the next week, 2) knowing that people are coming over for lunch on Sunday including one of my professors and I would have to clean, and 3) knowing I would lay in bed till noon reading a book of MY choice if I could I was glad I had a meeting to attend at the accounting firm. So I got home around 10 and decided that the first thing I would tackle was all the dead crickets in the garage. Now I've been wanting to take pictures to prove how sick this cricket invasion is but have never had the guts to get out there in the midst of them. Well I came home put on the longest pair of socks I could find with long pants and a long sleeve shirt and tennis shoes and timidly went to attacking the sweeping of legs and bodies in the garage. Luckily I managed not to puke. After I had swept half the garage out and the black birds ate the dead bodies I had swept the other half to the middle where Rebekah came out and took a picture of the two piles so mind you this is only about 1/2 of the two week accumulation (our neighbor had come over with his grass blow machine and cleaned it out before.

Anyway for you psychology type people maybe that desensitalization stuff really works because I have allowed these pictures to be placed on my machine and didn't freak out when I had to step on a cricket inside last night. Who knows. Well now I'm going to again be productive today by risking laundry. YES it is a risk as we have killed about 20 crickets in the washer (but none in a week so I'll take the plunge.....)

Stroller/Car Seat Help

Two blogs in one day I know overkill but I have some friends who are having a baby late December early January and are making that big contemplative decision of what brand kind safety issued etc. of stroller/car seat combo to get for their little precious baby jack. As many of you are experts at this I thought I would solicit your help for suggestions what brand the good the bad the ugly about that certain product or any websites with information you could suggest. THANKS for your help!!!!

PUBLISHED

Now allow me to brag a second without feeling bad!!! I am officially published in a public newspaper. Now this is a big deal to 1) an MFT grad student desperate to have anything to pad a resume in about a year in a field that loves articles and 2) to a person that loves to write but is too insecure to let people read her stuff. Now granted this article appeared in the smallest Christian newspaper (The Way) ever published and in Abilene at that but neverthe less if you care to indulge me and read the blogged internet version (minus my awful picture) here you go:

Shame: Waging War against Hidden Internal Pain

I am not an insect lover especially when it comes to those crawly eight legged bugs. Just writing the word spider gives me chills. Somehow, someway those little creatures manage to get past the saturation of liquid poison that I have sprayed around our doors and the outside perimeter of our house. Yesterday was a bright sunny day, so I decided that I needed to let some sunlight into my house to counteract the devastation that the A&M Aggies were heaping upon themselves during the third quarter of what should have been an easy home game. Therefore, I pulled up the blinds to our window only to discover a huge, no an enormous, spider in the midst of an even bigger web.
Naturally I screamed, but once I calmed down, I noticed that trapped in this web was a fly, seemingly in inescapable pain from the trap of the web. I wondered if this was the same fly that I had heard buzzing around my apartment all week but ignored. It made me immediately think of Brene Brown’s book Women and Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connections, in which she describes how shame traps us in a web. I pulled down the shutters faster than lightening strikes, and it made me wish that I could pull down the shutters over the web of shame that so often traps me in unavoidable internal pain.
Just like I had ignored that buzzing fly for days, shame is often ignored in our everyday discussions because frankly it is often just too dark and painful, too unapproachable and sad, and too secretive about which to talk. This avoidance thus increases the amount of shame we experience and sets up a never ending cycle of continued failure. Unfortunately, shame is very real and the consequences at times can be devastating. By facing shame head on, however, we can wage war against the web that so easily entangles us.
Shame has not always been a part of our lives. In the beginning God made man, male and female, and he exclaims that his creation is good. They were basked in God’s perfection, and the Bible even emphasizes in Genesis 2 that, “they felt no shame.” Then the man and woman succumbed to sin, and mankind has been fighting feelings of shame ever since; sometimes feelings so deep, intense, and painful that we hide from everything and everyone including ourselves and God.
What exactly is shame? Is it the same as guilt? Is it the same as embarrassment? I believe it is independent of guilt and embarrassment and is a deeper, more painful, longer lasting feeling that can eventually define a person. Wikipedia defines shame as, “the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.” While Brown’s book is written to a female audience her definition of shame is relevant for men as well, for shame does not discriminate according to gender. According to Brown, shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.”
Shame, however, is different from guilt. In their book Facing Shame, Fossum and Mason state that, “guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." Therefore, while guilt is feeling bad for something we did, shame is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is also different from embarrassment. While one can feel shame from embarrassment, embarrassment results from an event that occurred that involved public humiliation. We may quickly get over the embarrassment of the incident but the shame may continue to fester inside of us. When we are embarrassed our face turns red; when we feel shame are hearts turn frail.
As feelings of unworthiness continue to increase inside of us, we respond in one of several ways. Some people start to reach out to anybody and anything for just a spark of love and attention. They feel worthless about themselves and therefore search for anything to make them feel like they are valuable. The feelings are so ingrained, however, that any admonishment received is short lived. When those plagued by shame are criticized they often become anxious and depressed due to their lack of self-confidence. Eventually they live in a depressive anxiety state as they adapt to the beliefs that they are inherently flawed. Others feel worthless and spend their lives proving they are worthless. However, they still have that deep need to be seen and known and often turn to alcohol, drugs, or other criminal activity or acting out behavior. They trudge through the existence of everyday life as if everything is great on the outside while on the inside they are in inner turmoil and despair, feeling trapped, lonely, and hopeless. People that experience deep shame do not believe that they are worthwhile to anyone, especially to God.
The great news is that there is hope! To break the hold of shame we must understand the things that cause us to be vulnerable to shame. These feelings most often develop in young children and teenagers and are often brought about unintentionally by parents or close friends. As a child, traumatic events, such as physical or sexual abuse, can leave a young person believing they are worthless. Also, humiliation and demeaning types of discipline can invoke the tendency towards worthlessness in young children. Saying things like, “you look ridiculous”, “don’t you have any pride?”, and “I can and will treat you any way I want to” tell children that they are not worthy of their parents’ love and can plant a seed of shame in their heart.
Therefore, it is critical for parents to be aware of what is being said to children and to instill a sense of unconditional love and belonging in their children. Let children know it is their act of disobedience or act of potential harm that you do not like and are punishing rather than who they are. It is essential not to squelch a child’s spirit or creativity but to encourage them to find and express their inner feelings. Instill pride in your child. Praise your child when they do their best in academics, sports, and other school activities and do not demand the unachievable from them. Fully accept and value your children.
According to Brown, as we grow older, shame takes over by setting up a wave of expectations from many different sources trapping us in a web that is impossible to negotiate, thus leaving us trapped, powerless, and isolated. These expectations come from all angles: parents, church, friends, family, society, media, and spouses just to name a few. For instance, this weekend I scanned the magazine racks at the grocery store and noted in less than 30 seconds that I am not skinny enough, that I am not fit enough, that I do not date enough, and that I do not dress fashionably enough. All of these expectations started invoking feelings of shame within me. And this is just one of the many sources that continually thrust expectations upon me telling me how I should act and who I should be.
To overcome this shame, Brown introduces the idea of shame resilience. While we may have the tendency to become trapped in the shame web, by learning how to resist this trap we can overcome the pain of worthlessness. Brown introduces four elements to opposing shame: 1) acknowledge personal vulnerability; 2) be aware of your own personal shame web and what often traps you; 3) a willingness to reach out to others that can show empathy as opposed to sympathy; and 4) understand how shame works and where it comes from. As we become more aware of the expectations from the outside that trap us and work to release the strongholds in our lives, we begin to discover the gift of who we are; a special being created uniquely in the image of God.
Individuals with deep-seeded shame need to be unconditionally accepted and loved. There is no greater experience of this love and demonstration of worthiness than from God’s gift of his Son, but if you know someone that lives with shame, be an empathetic friend and accept them, refrain from judging them, and show them unreserved love. While building up shame resilience to tear down the web of shame that so often traps us takes time and patience, it is well worth the effort when a person with feelings of shame and unworthiness can finally declare and fully believe that they are valuable!

Some final comments:

1) I still hate insects especially the dead crickets and half dead crickets (thankfully they aren't alive due to the spray) that are covering our garage apparently the rain brought the plague last night and our gray concrete is now black.

2) Yes the Aggies did manage to pull off a victory BUT they are done with the rinky dink teams Good riddance to coach FRAN!!!! (Tesney you are probably so happy BAMA didn't keep him!!!)

Small West Texas Town Incident Number....

well frankly I've lost count. So this is the story of the Abilene Airport and my trip a couple of weekends ago to Memphis. I hadn't been to Memphis in over a year and my good friend from Austin or Atlanta (yeah she has moved as much as I have) just moved to Ole Miss to take a crack at immulating John Grisham in other words she is going back to school to be a lawyer. Now having left the accounting world to go back to school I know some of the exciting emotions and the scared emotions and well all the other emotions. Anyway my other good friend from Memphis I hadn't seen since her mad dash trip to San Antonio that provoked my exuberant delay of a project for my own mad dash to S.A. to watch the Memphis Tigers get slaughtered well maybe that is strong but....Anyway the point is I'm going to Memphis to see my friends. Well I had this ticket from American Airlines from a trip that was supposed to have been a fun weekend in Chicago but ended up being a miserable existence in bed with a higher than 105 fever. So I was just going to fly from DFW on Friday to Little Rock and drive to Memphis and come back on Monday no problem. Well then I found out that we didn't get Labor Day off from class. I thought that Harding was the only unfeeling school to snatch Labor Day out of students grasp of a free day of school when of course its needed to deal with the adjustment of starting back school but anyway I wanted as much time as possible in Memphis so therefore after exploring internet flight options on the AA website I got the bright idea of flying out of Abilene at 5:30 AM. I was going to have to get up at 4 anyway to drive to DFW and this would just prevent me from falling asleep at the wheel.
Now there were many clues that should have clued me into the very awful idea this was. Here are just a few of those clues:
1). There is only one small sign off of the loop (of which by the way most of the time I can drive all the way around the loop and only see two or three other cars) for the airport.
2.) The airport is on the news all the time for improvements where the newscasters say the deceiving words of Abilene International Airport and follow that in the same breath with Abilene Regional Airport.
3.) The runway is about as long as my drive way.
4.) My roomate from California flew here to interview for the program and asked where the taxis were; all airports have taxis right?
5.) Whenever I have picked up friends they are usually at least two hours late AND the short and long term parking is on the curb of the drop off drive. Most airports send cops after you if you park here.
6.) The overflow parking is on a dirt parking lot.
7.) When you drive by on the loop you look over and see the storage lot for about 20 AA propellor planes. I guess each morning they just rotate which plane you fly in. Scary I know.
8.) AA is the ONLY airline that flies out of here. If there ain't southwest I should have know it was a bad idea
9.) It has rained here all summer and all this week and rain means props can't fly.
10.) and Finally the flight was at 5:30 AM that should have been enough to clue me in to THIS IS A VERY VERY BAD NO GOOD IDEA.
but....
well I booked it and yep baaaad idea. So I actually get up get to the airport by the designated 4:30 (I've missed a flight at a small airport before because the ticket checker in dude is the baggage loader dude and the people loader dude and so an hour before is essential) Well I get there and they tell me my flight has been delayed until guess what time 8:45!!!! Why not because of weather not because of mechanics I mean after all there is a whole lot of planes to choose from, but because the pilots need to sleep. WHATT???? I needed to sleep too. I guess I don't want them falling asleep flying me but there is two of them and its a 40 minutes flight why can't they sleep in DFW?
Well I settle down in one of the 10 chairs in the so called unairconditioned mosquito infested waiting room and try to remain happy but well lets just say after a disaster in DFW because I missed my connection and flights were full because of Labor Day weekend I finally got to Memphis and had a great weekend.
However, I will have to be paid exorbant amounts of money to fly out of this hole in the wall airport again!!! (Cobbie if you read this it is equivalent to the trailer in MS airport experience!!)

Blessed

One thing that I have really been reminded of since seeing clients in the clinic here and working at the YMCA especially since both of those tend to serve a lower income population here in Abilene is how blessed I am. Not just physically, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally, educationally, etc. I sponsor a child in the Dominican Republic through Compassion International named Minouche. Basically I write her about once a month encouraging her and she writes me back and then I contribute a very small amount of money to her project so to speak for her schooling and clothes etc. I think I have sponsored her for 4 or 5 years now. Anyway, this year I decided I would send her a little extra money, a very little extra money for her birthday. $499.05 in fact in Domincan Currency which sounds like a lot but believe me in the US money was not that much. Anyway, I had hoped that she would be able to splurge and by herself something special. This is the latest letter I received from her, " I pray you and your whole family are doing well. I feel very happy to write back to you and thank you for the $499.05, my mom will buy me milk, chocalate, oats, eggs, and some other things......"
I racked my brain unsuccessfully to try to remember the last time I asked my mom to buy me milk or eggs for my birthday or for that matter chocalate. Now maybe I EXPECTED a chocalate cake but....
Anyway it made me think that even though I think I'm a poor college student I don't wander where my next meal will come from (for that matter have never wandered where my next meal will come from as you can probably tell), I don't wander if I'm going to be able to run my AC if I get too hot, I don't wander if I can take a shower or if the water has been cut off, I don't worry about having to figure out how I'm going to go somewhere I just hop in the car and go even at 3 complaining all the while bucks a gallon. I have clients that have to worry about these things. Beyond these things I have emotional blessings. I have friends that will listen to my ranting and raving, I have spiritual blessings, I have the ability and means to go to a Private college and get a Masters degree. I can go on and on. But I still complain and fuss and want more and wish I could afford this or that. Hmmm maybe we should have everything stripped away from us every once in a while to truly appreciate our blessings. I assigned a client of mine homework once for a week to write down 3 specific blessings everyday. Maybe I should assign myself that homework!!!

Seeking Input

Ok I have a question for you all that I want input on. I've been trying to decide if I should blog my thoughts and get take the chance they might influence any of your input that you are so kind to offer or if I should get your viewpoints and then write about mind. Maybe just a little bit now; basically I've been thinking alot the past year but especially this summer and especially the past several weeks about self-esteem and our worth and our worth because of a relationship with God and here is basically the statement I want input on:

"You are not worthy you are so unworthy but you are worth it to God"

Ok I can't stop so we'll continue. Now this statement has been BIG to me lately and has rung so true and I believe it. In fact I've come to the conclusion that perhaps this would be a better teaching to today's youth that the societal self-esteem and confidence that are often pushed their way that seems to throw so many expectations at them that they are trapped without any way out and no more self-confidence than when they started. However, without divulging a lot I had a client somewhat challenge this. Basically the questions that has brought up to me is basically a long the lines of 1) Are we born unworthy - now I personally think we are born perfect and make decisions to stray away. 2) Why would a loving God that wants a relationship with us give us the right to make these decisions then. Why even have a tree that we can't touch; he made us right? then why it seems purposely throw something at mankind that will be tempting, 3) Are we really not worthy? or are we just sinners? Therefore does the sin make us unworthy and then back to number 2; 4) How does this cross thing really make since anyway. I mean this loving God makes us, then allows us to be tempted, then comes and rescues us threw this cruel unhumane way that well if everything is from God is this from God? and I'm sure there are a lot more but we'll stop there before my mind blows.

Now I want to put in a disclaimer here. Before you all go worrying about me while these questions are going through my head and I'm thinking through them I haven't gone off the deep end. I think a lot of this is where faith comes in but I'd like to get your viewpoint as well. To prevent long posts you may not want the whole world to read feel free to email me at rls06k@acu.edu (that is a zero not the letter O)

I'd appreciate any thoughts.

An official 2nd Year

Its official as of 7:30 last night when the MFT class of 2007 walked across the stage at graduation (believe me I love those people but not enough to attend their graduation if I go to mine that will be a miracle!!!) I became a 2nd Year. Here is a picture of that class of hoodlums oh sorry therapists. To most of you all reading this these are just a bunch of faces of students posing for a class picture but to me these are dear friends that I've cherished getting to know over the past year. I've been trying to ignore it and just go on with life this past week but I'm gonna miss these fools especially my two awesome clinic co therapists and my YMCA co therapist and a certain GA that had her own room as well as the others I came to know well this past spring. They were fun loving and sarcastic and you all know that is right up my alley but they also cared about me becoming a good therapist and about people and it was awesome to get to know them. Now my class is in charge so to speak and maybe that is scary and maybe its not but I'm ready (I think!!!). I'm sure I'll have highs and lows of confidence but I'm ready to take over the reigns and give to these first years coming in what this class gave to me. I guess it really sunk in this morning as I took one of my co fools to the airport and one just brought me the key to the GA office. Its amazing and yet wierd to think in just one more year and I'm gonna be walking across that stage wandering where these two years that sometimes seem to crawl by have gone to....

Plagues of Crickets

About this time last summer as I was moving to Abilene and their were dead crickets all over our house and garage and frankly if I really think back all over Abilene I was chalking it all up to how dry it was last year and that is was an unusual fluke and I would never see these masses of crickets again. Well I want to believe it is a fluke again this year because of the vast amount of rain we have seen but I have a feeling that really the Plagues of Crickets is an annual event here. And believe me when I say plague well lets just say if this is half as bad as what hit the Egyptians I would have let those people go in two seconds!!!! Let me try to describe this to you but seriously I don't think you can understand unless you experience it firsthand. For instance you walk into your garage in the morning and there are about 15 dead crickets added to the 15 that you were too tired to sweep out the night before and this is after you had swept them out the morning before. You walk up the steps to the clinic and the normally concrete colored stairs are black from dead crickets and you hop and skip, not to prevent further squashing of the dead ones but to hope that a live one does not jump on top of your feet. And then there is the smell I can't even begin to find the right words to describe that. Maybe a mixture of dead fish left on top of a hot car engine and baby poop. Luckily between the professional exterminator and the Rebekah home remedy of extermination by spraying bottle of bug killer around the house so far we have managed to keep the crickets out of the house (not so for the spiders or roly polys but...). Although the newest rumor I've heard is that the crickets lay eggs and something about the rain causes them to hatch so I can't wait until the baby crickets start running around and they may can squeeze between the cracks in the doors the big crickets can't get in. Oh yes and one thing I forgot to mention is the cricket lullabyes that rock me to sleep everynight and wake me up in the morning with their version of RISE AND SHINE AND LISTEN TO MY ANNOYING CHIRPING SOME MORE. Seriously they either take shifts to keep the whole world awake or only require like two hours of sleep. Good thing I'm not allergic to these critters but this is just one more reason to not put up residence in good ole Abilene!!!!

Training the Abilene Way

I went to my first full blown CPE (continued education) training for accounting in Abilene on Friday and wow did it take me back to somewhere long ago maybe high school; no I'm not sure it was ever this bad. Anyway, so they sent me an email from work with the directions and asking us to please make sure we dress appropriately in business casusal since some of the community clients and other CPAs would be there. I think ok the old Ernst & Young business casual plus take it down a notch because this is after all Abilene and so I show up in Khaki Linen pants and a red Ann Taylor sleeveless blouse in my opinion dressed nice but casual. Now I should have immediately known what to expect given that the training was being held at the "WHC Ranchouse at the Expo center" that should have been a huge hint but I'm thinking ok that is just the only place to have anything at Abilene so no problem this will be a normal sophisticated business type person training. So I arrive and look around and notice that about maybe 1/10 of the people are dressed "Abilene appropriate business casual" (at least by my definition) these must be the people from the firm I work for. Now the other 9/10 are well let me try to describe it for you....how about the lady in the cowboy type jeans that I thought didn't even exist any more with the blouse (collar and all) in the colors and striped like the Texas flag including the star on the front right on the, yes you guessed it, chest area. Now to complete the outfit she needed ropers but no we don't go for that we go for the "let me pretend I'm a little big town sophisticated and put on my nice lace up docker type shoes". And of course this is all complete with the big hair and bangs just like you see in the modern western west texas movies like say Friday Night Lights. And then in walked another lady that had to be this lady's sister (in fact she came to the front after walking in late and sat by her) dressed almost exactly the same except I think her shirt had cows or pigs or something on it. Yep I'm in Abilene. And I love the guys that where there cowboy boots with nice slacks and a nice shirt; actually I worked with a guy that wore the same outfit in Austin, he was from Midland.... Now the presentor she was from Big Spring; about 1 1/2 hours from Abilene but she married an Arthur Anderson partner and lives in Dallas so she was dressed in what I pictured business casual we would all be dressed in. Anyway, it was interesting to say the least. At least the DK (the firm I work at) people are attuned to the real world and supplied coffee and breakfast snacks. Needless to say when the presenter started talking about Arthur Anderson being indicted and the big 8 and big 5 and final 4 accounting firms and pensions and ethics I wandered if 9/10 of the people in the room were thinking about going home and throwing a lasso around some cows!!!

All Tollroads now lead to Austin

And I ask you who loves paying tolls? I don't remember ever having an option for voting for all these roads they were building while I was living in Austin and while I had heard the rumors they were going to be toll roads I don't think it dawned on me what that meant. Now granted they cut time to get to places in about half but they also cut my change pile in the car down to about....well... nothing. It was kind of cool watching for the three years I lived there these well frankly high rise three or four deck overpasses go up and I am absolutely not complaining about how much faster I can get into Austin from the Northwest outskirts (Cedar Park) coming from Abilene. For that matter it used to take me FOREVER like almost an hour from my old apartment to get out to my friends the Massies house and now it can be done in 20 minutes again minus about 3 bucks but it is crazy the growth that has come with these roads. For instance my friends the Massies used to live in the country down a road where there was NOTHING but the Dell Diamond baseball field. Now I get lost going to there house because I don't recognize the WalMart, the HEB Plus, Chilis, I lost count of gas stations, the Starbucks, and yes guess what A TOLL ROAD!!! Its crazy how the little quiet peaceful sleepy town of Austin is a sprawling suburbian city now. And guess what there are at least 2 high rise condos going up downtown that is if you want to shell out about 1,450 for a one bedroom apt. a month. And if you want a house in the cute south congress or barton springs area then get ready to shell out $400k and only for about a rundown 1100 square foot tiny house. That isn't to mention the suburban sprawl of Ikea and an outlet mall and chains galore. And I thought it wouldn't grow much out west because of the lake...wrong....there is a new mall going up right around lake Travis. Come on who wants to shot when you can put on goggles and go water skiing or tubing on the lake? What happened to the local keep Austin Wierd? Seems its not turned into an all toll roads lead to Austin the city of chains and suburbian sprawl. Did I mention the suburbian sprawl?

Be Joyful Always

It was exactly one year ago when I locked the door to the dining hall and headed down the hill to my cabin. After grabbing a quick shower I headed off to Early Christian Worship with some of the other staff. I remember sitting there singing with a heavy heart knowing something was wrong and I couldn’t even label it. Just three weeks ago I got the letter from Meredith telling me Neal was giving up. My initial reaction then was no way Neal is a fighter he’s been fighting since he was a baby just hang on and we are going to have a successful kidney transplant. But after getting his best friend J.R. who was a counselor and talking to him on the phone I knew his spirit was weak and it was gnawing away at my heart. I remember hugging my friend Tammy after a late night talk and then heading off to try to catch some sleep before the all day hike I was planning on going on. But sleep was restless because there was a sickening feeling in my stomach I couldn’t explain but couldn’t ignore. J. R. left the next day to go see Neal. I drove with some others to the El Cielo trail and took off hiking. The day was a typical summer day in the mountains where the clouds build back over the mountains and is an amazing sight to watch. We had been watching these clouds balloon all day long. As we walked along the ridge to the valley we would tackle before reaching the summit (consequencely this strongly resembles the sound of music tour view) I looked out an saw some of the most amazing views of clouds billowing in over the sun and hugging the top of the mountain peaks. Many of the campers began complaining because of the steepness of the rest of the hike and as I looked out all I could think about was how they had the legs and strength to hike this and how Neal would have given anything to have EVER been able to hike this beautiful mountain. Some of my friends with me asked if I wanted a picture and even though I would normally have taken 1,000 pictures trying to capture the beauty that day I didn’t even try because I knew how impossible it was. I couldn’t get Neal out of my mind for the rest of the hike up, down, and the ride back into camp. It was like something was stirring deep inside me telling me something was up I just didn’t know what. I got back to camp and went to the kitchen to start helping get dinner ready. That is when my friend Philip called on the intercom that I had a phone call. Not thinking much about it I clicked the phone on and I heard Philip’s wife Tammy (my good friend mentioned above) saying, “Meredith we love you all” and I just knew, I knew that Neal was now looking down on those clouds instead of up into them. As I held the phone their were no words I had, Meredith had no words just tears, tears of comfort, tears knowing he was no longer in pain, and tears of intense hurt and emotional pain. The next 4 or 5 hours are now like a zombie to me and while I remember some of the things that happened it wasn’t until later that evening when the camp gathered on the deck and was singing that I looked up and saw the sun peaking out from those clouds and I felt Neal’s presence right there with us and I knew he was singing with us. Its hard to realize that was one year ago and the hurt is just as intense now as then; but I’ve learned to cope and to face life knowing that Neal’s legacy lives on. He was an amazing kid, young man, friend, brother and I miss him. So now as the count of the years begins to living without Neal I will never forget how he has inspired me and how his attitude has changed my outlook on life. In Neal’s words, “Be joyful, always, Not tomorrow, not for 10 minutes, not just at lunch, but always, always, always. Everyone has problems but life is good. Don’t waste it, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Have joy alright. Always!!”

My DEEP love for old people

As I've pretty bluntly announced to my MFT classmates I prefer to have a conversation with someone under the age of 65 anyday but like many things this program forces you to get out of your comfort zone and do things you don't love. I've never been the one in my family that is good with the elderly. Now my brother and sister they are awesome with the geriatrical age group...they love to hug them, talk to them, hang out with them...but me give me a rebellious teenager anyday and I would be perfectly content. Now don't get me wrong I loved my grandparents and loved being around them and there are certain older people that I'm perfectly content to be around (although I still could recommend showering more often even to them). In general though if I don't know you don't have no need to get to know you or to have you hug me and want to tell me about how life was back in the "good ole days when young people had respect." Well like I said this program forces you to do things you don't want to do. So for one of my summer classes I had to interview a couple over the age of 65 (which it hit me that is almost where my parents are as we just celebrated my mom's 60th) and talk with this couple about those "good ole days." After putting it off as long as I possibly good I strolled down to my elderly neighbors that smoke a pack an hour (yes that is a pack an hour) with my list of questions and my inhaler so I could breath. Now you talk about respect you would think that they wouldn't smoke around me knowing how that affects asthmatics but no luck there!!! Well I in a less than unenthusiastic manner began asking them my lined out questions. Talk about staying on topic impossible with them. To my question of what was it like during WWII compared to Vietnam and Korea and now Iraq I got the answer, "Well you know now I didn't have these knees paining me like they are today. This rain here we've been having just about does me in. Then that therapist come and don't do what the doctor say anyhow. Now our grandson we just about raised he now now he think he understand hard times but let me tell......" You get the point totally off topic and not short and to the point so I could leave. Soon however I was mesmorized. As this couple grew up near Plainview where I'm from they started talking about life in West Texas and how it has changed and how farming has changed and surprisingly my list sat untouched and I sat and listened to this couple tell me about their life. After what didn't seem to be that long I looked down at my watch and 2 hours had past. 2 HOURS. I couldn't believe it. So maybe this couple isn't that bad and really does have decent wise things to say and good stories to tell (they kept me laughing quite a bit) and I even think they take a shower a day (of course they have to they smoke a pack an hour) but I'm not ready to go get a job in geriatrics yet; but I think I can have a different attitude toward my clients that are over 70!!!!

Random thoughts about the Prince Interview

On Monday (June 18th) on Dateline Matt Lauer's interview with Prince William and Prince Harry will air. I don't know what my obsession with Princess Di and her boys is but I remember being enthralled with her when I saw her on TV when I was a little girl. I guess it is like Jackie Kennedy is to my mom's generation. And just like that generation can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing the minute the news broke about JFK I remember sitting in my dorm room at Harding the fall of 1997 getting ready for class when the news broke of the awful wreck in Paris. Ironically I had walked over that same area of rode in Paris just a few months earlier when I was there with HUF. Anyway, I remember how my heart went out to Prince William and Prince Harry and how awful it must be for them to not be able to privately deal with the trauma of their mother's death. Now I am just amazed at how grown up those two young boys are and how they handle the pressure of the press and the world wanting to know their every move and thought. I wander though if they ever yearn for just a minute of a "normal" life that so many of us take for granted. A life where they can walk down a public street and not have to disguise themselves or have the Royal British Guard watching there every step. Where they can call a friend and not have to worry about who is listening. Where they could run to Sonic or Starbucks (or whatever the English equivalents are) and not have to worry about what an ordeal it is and how many people have to go into action just so they can get a frapucino. Anyway as I have always had an obsession for English royalty all through history I am excited to watch this interview, but I also cherish the very private life I live.

In response to Tes's personal questions...

Well to answer all the questions you all want to know that Tesney is so brave to ask:
1) Even though we had just ate at El Porton luckily the number 2 urge had not yet hit and it was only number one and I will even go further that all the water was pretty much already gone by the time the keys hit the bowl
2) yes I actually did stick my hand in after I lunged for them in the air and missed. Probably not the smartest move since I watched them go down the hole but I guess I thought I was magic - no luck
3) The plunger idea I had to plunge them up didn't work either
4) Kitch's attempt to save them with a hanger also was to no avail.

As far as the giraffe room I'll have to get my sister on that after her husband finished painting.

And there go the keys....

I've been in Little Rock the past week helping my sister (who recently moved from the sprawling subburb of Maumelle to the sprawling want to be subburb of Cabot ) tear down wallpaper and paint the office Giraffe. I know sounds wierd but it really is going to be cool. Its a yellow on all the walls with one accent wall of orange dots. Of course if I'm totally honest I would tell you that we put the first layer on about one and a half walls before we decided that the painting was better suited for her husband. Anyway after a wonderful week I go to see my friend from college Kitchypooh. Well Doug Miriam's husband let me borrow his "grandpa car" (a whole another story). So I cruise over in the grandpa car hang out with Michelle (Kitchypooh) and then get ready to leave. Well I had the keys to the buick in my pocket. I run to the bathroom before I begin the 45 minute treck to Cabot and as I get up I flush and then hear a clank and grab for the keys as Yes I indeed watch them go down the toilet to the sewer far far below. It was so funny I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I doubt Miriam and Doug were laughing when I called and let them know that they would have to drive 45 minutes to come get me and 45 minutes back on their last night before she is gone for two weeks. Oh well I'm sure it will take forever to live that one down.....

Wonderful Weekend at CBH

This past weekend was Camp Blue Haven's 50th year reunion and it was so fun!!! It was so wonderful to be back at a place that is so special to me and a nice recharge to come back to the hot town of Abilene and attempt to want to be in class. It was awesome to see so many people I haven't seen in I don't know when and to see friends from long ago that now have husbands or wifes and kids. The auction that I posted about earlier was also a tremendous success. It was also emotional to be with Lloyd and Pam Massie and to visit Neal at the Roost (see picture) where we spread his ashes. Here are some other pictures from the weekend.

Vance and the Legendary Big Mouth Frog

The New Dining Hall - Snazy

These are some of my campers that were counselors.

Me and Kaelen Boyles

Camp Blue Haven Auction

Below is an email I sent out about the Camp Blue Haven auction but I'm not sure I have most of the people that read this email address. CBH is my camp I have grown up at my whole life and love to death (some of you know!!) Anyway this is the 50th year and we are having a reunion memorial day weekend where there will be an auction. The auction has expanded and we have been blessed to recieve some really amazing items. You can find these posted at http://www.campbluehaven.com/50th_auction.htm
Anyway because of some of the unusual and cool items we have received we are opening the auction up to the public. So if any of you want to check out the list and see something you or someone you know would love to have while supporting a worthy cause either follow the online instructions or let me know and I'll get you in touch with the right people.

As most camps are a very special place it is important to me that the auction do as well as possible so that the traditions of Blue Haven can continue to live and grow.

Hope you all have a wonderful week!!!



This email is either going to people I know love Blue Haven and/or my friends who know how much I love Camp Blue Haven. Most of you know that things have been underway to prepare for the 50th year anniversary memorial day weekend at Camp. As a part of these activities we are having an auction to help raise money for camp. I know many of you will be at the reunion but many of you won't. Further the items we have been able to get donated for the auction include some really valuable awesome items so we have opened the auction up to anybody via the internet. Some of the items include signed pictures by Colt McCoy, autographed Nolan Ryan memorabilia, Autograph baseball by both Bushes, many other signed memorabilia type items, ACU, LCU, and OCU scholarships, Southwest airline tickets, a weeks stay in the Blue Canyon near camp, and much much much more. However, we need to get the word out that these items are available. A list and instructions for how the auction will work through the internet are available at http://www.campbluehaven.com/50th_auction.htm What we need you to do is if you are interested in an item and want to bid contact Misty Boyles per the instructions on the website but more importantly GET THE WORD OUT Please let anyone you know who might be interested in any of these items know about the auction. You don't have to know about camp to bid but people might become interested in camp through looking at the website and also help by bidding on items. We want to make this auction as successful as possible so please forward the email site to anybody you know that might be interested in an item. Your help is great appreciated and I look forward to seeing many of you in a couple of weeks, Rebekah Scott

Down

Ok I'm admiting right now tonight is about me needing encouragement and many of you that read this are a source of encouragement to me. I guess we all go through phases of doubt and frustration and low self-confidence but for some reason I'm in a phase and I can't shake it. It is wierd to go through a profession for 7 years and be so full of confidence and the center of attention and the top dog and come to a place that demands a humility I'm not sure I have. I can ace my tests and get good grades but I walk into a therapy session and I clam. I feel confident walking in and then something overcomes me I can't explain. Its wierd because I'll try to get something out and I feel it comes out like mumbo jumbo ( a big jumbled up mess that makes no sense) I've said now for a year I don't miss EY and the world of accounting except for the cool travel but I think I do miss a huge part of it and it is the confidence it brought into my life. So I'm sitting around questioning what in the world I have done coming here thinking I can help people when I inside try to be so emotionless. So I know this is a downer but I need encouragement because I'm doubting myself. Probably just a phase but I've been thinking that like a month now. So there is my honesty and one more thing I have to say GO SPURS!!!

Punching Bag

Sometimes that is just what I feel like I am is a good ole EVERLAST punching bag. Funny they name those things EVERLAST; well maybe not, because as the human punching bag I hope to last a long time. I know that is a crazy analogy but sometimes I just feel like I am constantly getting punched in the gut by life. The thing is I like to be in control of the punches and when that is taken away - well there is just no other way to say it - I hate it. I like it when I'm strong enough to defend the punches or punch back but sometimes even that is taken away and you are vulnerable to the everyday events of life that just happen. It is so hard for me to not have explanations for things. Maybe even just some little hints to my numerous "why" questions would help but usually a small "why" just turns into a bigger "why" until I have to just quit thinking about it or it consumes me. And to me its not necessary a negative thing because I know that through all those punches I'm still standing and am a better stronger person for it, but I'm not going to say they aren't scary and don't hurt, but I guess the thing that keeps us all going is our resilience to bounce back and stand back up ready to take the next thing thrown at us. I guess after all that is what therapy is all about is helping people stand back up again from all the hard punches that have knocked them out.
Who knows maybe I'm the only one that feels this way.

What You Have Given Me

Granted I was bored today during a seminar (which I'm sure shocks none of you) but I've been thinking alot about a dear friend that passed away this summer. Many of you know Neal's story but for those of you who don't Neal was born with Kidney failure and as a baby had a successful transplant from his dad. About 4 or 5 years ago Neal's boby rejected his kidney and through 3 or 4 long years he fought through dialysis and many other physical pains and elements before going home this past summer. While it has been so hard to lose this boy who is like a brother, this morning I was just thinking about all the things I learned from Neal and his valor and strength and how I that plays into my yearning to help hurting people and what he has taught me that will guide me in that and wrote this:

What You Have Given Me

I have a feeling inside
Because I know you are looking down
And it gives me a sense of peace and tranquility
to replace the fear and inadequacy inside of me

And it has taken awhile
For me to realize you aren't far
Yet you were speaking to me all along
I just wish I had listened sooner

But now I see you everyday
Recycling through my experiences
Laughing at my sarcasm
that isn't close to matching yours
Smiling with me in my joy
Holding my hand and comforting me
when my heart breaks
Hugging me as my soul weeps

You have you have provided me with wisdom
A wisdom I don't even understand that I have
You have shown me strenght that I will always admire
Patience that I want to immulate
You have shown me how to deal with heart ache
And to persevere during trials
You have shown me how to love
And how to be part of a family
You have shown me how to have humility
And given me the confidence to be real

But above all you have shown me how to listen
To be in the presence of hurting
And to mask in the silence of others pain
While offering a glimmer of hope
Because you have shown me there is more on the other side
And that above all is what you have given me.

Ever Feel Inadequate?

Ever felt inadequate?

I'm sure we all have at some conjuncture in our life and this week must have been the great meeting of the inadequate demons for me. It all started when my classmates presented this amazing treatment plans and I was left sitting in my usual seat in the back of the room wandering where in the world they got all this intelligence from. I guess it should have helped ease my mind when I soon found out there was a magic help book but the damage was already done (especially because the theories I really like aren't in the help book!!).
Next I felt the usual inadequacies that flushes over me during Psychopathology as I think I have heard before about maybe 10% of the words we use in that class; substance abuse - got it, depression - got it the 1 million specifiers of depression; does it really matter? Usually I pass the time by talking to my Michigan friend who wasn't there either day this week so I just sat in delusionment and had some delusions!!
On top of all this who of us didn't feel somewhat helpless with all of the awful circumstances at Virginia Tech?
Then Tuesday, the real inadequacies hit. I had two intakes (clients) back to back that I as a first year therapist with a total of about 15 hours under my belt has no idea what to do. All I could see was desperately hurting people screaming out for help and all I could do was listen and try to provide some hope for the future. I know those experienced therapists say sometimes that is the best therapy but when there are specific problems that need worked on and you don't know how to even start its hard to feel like an hour of listening has provided any comfort. Hopefully my co-therapist and supervisor are much more competent people than I am; well I know they are, so I just hope I can get it.
Then there are those times when you suddenly need to be more than a therapist to your friends but a friend to a hurting friend and you don't know the words to say to comfort and your heart aches and you can't be there to give hugs and to hold and to comfort and the therapist starts coming out in you and you have to try to figure out how to be a friend and it seems like there are no answers......etc. etc. I think you get the picture. And this doesn't happen once or twice during the weak but multiple times.
So yeah inadequate week for me. I guess the good thing is over all I'm a pretty confident person and I know I have resources to go to absorb the knowledge and wisdom that will help me through these times but man when they hit is it hard.

I don't like technology change

So we've been getting these emails that ACU is teaming up with Gmail and our email was going to switch over blah blah blah mainly just things I immedietely hit the delete button and never think about again. Well yesterday they made it where it was tricky for you to not accept a force switchover to gmail so now I'm on gmail and I don't know where my old email messages are or how to use all these new buttons. And its driving me insane. Plus its frustrating because with the old mail you only had to open one screen and with the new mail you have to open two. Now that isn't much of a big deal when I'm home on my super duper high speed wireless internet but up in the clinic where the high speed internet is equivalent to the days of dial up its annoying to have to wait on two screens. I know this is a full out vent but when you have 100 things do and more around the corner and clients to see these luxuries of life are critical. So my new philosophy if something works don't mess with it!!!!

Dry Spell

Well I guess March was a dry month for the blogging technique; everything is techniques, interventions, and theory in my life now a days. That or schizophrenia, depression, personality disorders, substance abuse oh wait excuse me dependence these people have their own vocabulary, which I guess I should be learning or something. But through all of that the best part of March was starting to see clients which is going great well sometimes I wander but my supervisor is telling me its going great and come on that is who I'm supposed to listen to right?....not that internal voice that says you don't know what the heck you are doing!!! even though its probably a lot closer to right than my supervisor. I'm already exploring the job field a little bit so hook me up with some ideas. I'm interested in adolescents or inner city type services or just some kind of job from other people I hear that is sometimes a blessing in itself. Well I guess I've procrastinated enough and need to go write an awesome paper on the integration of three things I'm not sure I even know what they are individually!!!

The Sent Servant

The Sent Servant

When you are so empty
Who can fill you up?
When you can’t put one foot in front of the other
Who can carry you through?
When you can’t pray
Who can lift you up to the Lord?
When you have no tears left
With whom can you just sit and be still?
When there is no hope left
Where can you turn?
When another sunrise brings pain not hope
Who can shed light into your heart?
When the moon and stars are the shape of a monster
Who can protect you?
When the rain in the midst of the storm won’t wash it away
Is there anybody that can cleanse?
When the hourglass runs empty
Who will teach you how to cope?

Through the pain you soon realize there is only One
Who can reach out a hand and heal
But the resentment won’t allow you to turn
And the mire keeps you bogged in
Will hope ever utter from your lips
Will someone just anyone reach out and care
And just show you a small hint of love
That radiates from the One?

Then I realize I can sit and listen to your cries
I can utter encouragement
I can lift you up to the creator of your soul
I can help show you a path to still your storm.

Oh to accept the mission of the sent servant!!!

Abilene Drives Me Crazy

So yesterday I made a HUGE OLE mistake; I went to Wal-Mart and not just any Wal-Mart but the one on the other side of town. For those of you not familiar with Abilene its pretty much split up into the ACU side and the other side where everything really is. Anyway I work on the other side needed some hair gel and bananas and was actually running a little early to work for once in my life so I stopped by Wal-Mart. Now in Austin Saturday is the best time to go because everybody is outside or somewhere else doing the fun things Austin offers to entertain you; but apparently in Abilene the entertainment (especially high school and the weekend before Valentines) to go to Wal-Mart. I guess I should have remembered this from my days in Searcy but.....
There is something about walking in the store and being greeted by two aisles of bears ranging from 6 inches to 5 feet and everybody stopped and looking at these stuffed animals that should have immedietely alerted me I was in trouble but I forged ahead anyway. And something else about people here - they don't move - they get in the aisles and stop!!! like old people oh wait they are old!!!

Anyway, give me back my Austin insane traffic anyday and get me out of here!!!

First Hour

Well I guess I'm now officially equipped to be a therapist or at least sit in the room since I now have my first hour under my belt as of about 45 minutes ago!!!! I feel good about it too; like I actually kind of new what was going on and didn't feel uncomfortable or stressed at all. And I have a great co-therapist. I can't wait to get even more experience and be able to help sufferers see there is hope!!!

Backpacks, Shoulder Bags, or Coach?

So ok I know that I have no right to pretend I'm Miss fashion police and bust on anybody's fashion I mean after all I love to wear purple windpants and refuse to give up my boot cut jeans although I have heard they are horribley out of fashion. I don't care I don't see anybody wearing the flare type and I refuse to go to taper so that I look like I'm over 50 so I'm not exactly sure what is in fashion but besides the point:
One thing that I was informed of though (thanks to the graciousness of my friends at Camp this summer) is that backpacks are out (at least for girls) replaced by should bags. So I have invested in what I think is a cool brown shoulder bag. Apparently you can't carry backpacks crammed full of books because that will give you back pain later in life so you can cram a shoulder bag full of books and carry that. That way only one side of you is jacked up. Interesting thought process there!!!!
Anyway, so I'm walking to class the other day and this girl in front of me has the unfashionable Jansport backpack on along with a shoulder bag and a Coach purse on the other shoulder none of which looked that full. Now I'm pretty sure that that is just too over the top. What is this make sure I'm fashionably cute so I'll just carry it all? Needless to say this girl also had on boot cut jeans but then of course she had one of the legs yes only one of the legs tucked into those fashionably (or used to be) ugly boots they call Ugas so......as for me I'll stick with my shoulder bag and hope I won't become lopsided later in life.

Well another night at the good ole H&R Block is over and tonight was crazy. January 31st doesn't just signify the end of the first month of the year but the deadline for post marking W-2s and other tax information. So needless to say everybody in Abilene, TX that wanted a refund I think hit us up tonight. So I checked people in saw there taxes get done comforted people during there two or three hour wait all the while sitting ther thinking this is insane that these people won't come back another day. Then after I started turing people away I got an appreciation for the life I have that I so often take for granted. A lady wheeled a baby in a stroller and begged me to let her sign up. After advising her to make an appointment for Sunday or Monday she broke down. I was thinking its your stinking taxes come on. Well I tried to use my good Marriage and family therapy listening skills as she begin explaining to me how her husband left her three months ago then got arrested and left her cradled with debt and a small baby. She told me that her landlord came to kick her out of her apartment this morning but she promised them she would get her tax refund today and have it to them by 10 in the morning. She had the simplest form and my heart went out to her. so I let her sneak in. Well she still had to wait 3 hours and unlike the other patient people she sat there and patiently waited holding her baby without one complaint. When she left she broke down again and profusely thanked me.
Now I'm the type that thinks people are crazy for wanting there refund immedietely because it costs a lot more than the 10 day IRS bank deposit but tonight I realized some of these people need this just to have a roof over there head the next day or food for there little baby. Now I don't know the circumstances that got this young lady where she is but I know she is a child of God and deserves the love that we all take for granted so often. Funny how the people most desperate are the people to least complain; maybe they are the ones that really appreciate the simple things of life.

Global Mind Shift

So one of the things they have really encouraged us to do in this program is to do what I call thinking outside of the box. In other words expand our horizons quit thinking the world revolves around only us etc etc etc. This is sometimes a rather hard thing do to based on our good ole American culture where we promote self-confidence and stuff. Maybe I'll post soon on my views of self -confidence and its relation to our spiritual calling but that will come later. Anyway, there is this really cool website that we have gotten a little exposure to in class and I thought some of you all might be interested. There is a link on this sidebar thing I finally figured out and got to work but its global-mindshift.org I'm not saying I agree with everything on there or that it is always my view point buts its interesting to think about especially in this day in age how everything is connected and I think sometimes we take our mainstream lifes for granted. So anyway check it out and let me know what you think.

Alright you all have convinced me....

Ok well you all have convinced me to get back on here; Like I was on here much at all but....So I guess I can start my telling you how awesome it is to not be working in public accounting anymore!!!! IT JUST IS!!!! It is so nice in fact that I've gone and gotten me a job as a receptionist at H&R Block during the tax season so I can work till 8 and still feel somewhat like I'm working at EY still. Really its just to support this lifestyle of going back to grad school I've chosen; but wow has it been interesting just the past two days I've been there. Its funny because these tax outfits like this just employ random people off the streets (I'll probably get fired for saying that) train them to put stuff in the computer and then they help America's smart non tax types do their taxes. Its kind of funny because not to brag but I know more about taxes than about half of the actual tax professionals. Oh well its a glorified job that pays me $7.20 an hour to read for school and answer the phone every once in a while and to catch up on my West Texas white trash stories that I haven't heard in about 10 years (probably for sure getting fired now but might as well start out with a bang!!!!)