New blog series coming....

It is with a lot of anxiety and reluctance that I am starting this blog back up. Perhaps, it is because I have one goal in mind. Writing has always been a way for me to release internalized feelings, to organize my thoughts, a path almost to a form of freedom. But what I share is limited and even then difficult. I’m human and so that sense of paranoia envelopes me at the thought of others reading my innermost thoughts and feelings but at the same time I in waves crave the feedback. So sometimes I have written serious posts and sometimes silly or informative ones and I’m well aware all with horrible grammar and punctuation but wouldn’t you just want to imagine you are having a life conversation with me? Why write different than I talk?

Anyway, we all go through seasons in our lives. I have several and they all seem like a never ending cycle. Like the weight loss contest I’m currently in. I’ll lose some weight eat healthier exercise and probably be back to burger and fries in no time (hopefully not but this is the season the cycle). Cancer is like this. You fight it with all you have it is gone then it comes back and you fight it again all in the hope of breaking the cycle with a minute awareness hanging over your head that the cycle can only be broken by death because of fear ingrained in the cycle. I talk all the time with my clients about the cycles of emotions – the ups and downs and how to stop the spiraling when it seems so out of control only to start another season up again after what seems so often such a short a refreshing break. For me faith is like this.

Part of my declination in opening up about the seasons of doubt that all too often invades my soul is because I feel it shouldn’t be this way. We all have mentors rather in our professional field or spiritual or just good people and we all too often put them on a pedestal. It is good to have mentors and people we look up to. The problem comes when I come to belief my feelings and thoughts are isolated because no one around me seems to have these struggles. I was born on a Saturday (I looked it up) and I guarantee you I was in church the next Wednesday night only because I was still in the hospital the first Sunday after I was born. We didn’t miss for anything. I was in Bible bowls and LTC in high school, went to church camp, went to college at a Christian school all the things that would predict I shouldn’t struggle with faith. I’ve been surrounded by it since day one. But I’m slowly coming to realize I’m not the only one. Others with my similar background have the same struggle. It is freeing. And maybe the most freeing thing is when I read the story of Abraham in Genesis and Abraham laughed at God when he told him Sarah was going to have a son. Oh yes we all know Sarah laughed but read Genesis 17:17. And yet earlier God credited his faith as righteousness. Abraham is in the great chapter of faith in Hebrews but his action didn’t always speak towards faith. I just recently read Job and read with a new perspective the questioning – intense, raw, and emotional. And Thomas doubted we all know that but what was Peter’s doubt walking on water?

So maybe I feel like I’m not supposed to have these seasons of doubt but maybe just maybe this is just a normal part of being human for me. And just maybe just maybe all these stories are a direction towards faith towards encouragement. And just maybe just maybe I’m not alone.

I’ve had a couple of friends who have seen my frustrations and pain of this struggle and they have encouraged me over and over to write and I over and over have refused. But it has been strong on my heart lately. So I don’t know what this is going to look like. But I have a lot of thoughts constantly swirling in my mind and I’m going to try and organize them into this blog. Paul shared his struggles with the Corinthians as a form of encouragement that God’s grace is enough. That His power is made perfect in weakness. I know I will benefit from this and maybe just someone is encouraged and uplifted.

RAYS OF HOPE

This week has been one of those weeks where you know much anticipated news is coming but whether it is going to bring tears of joy or sadness is the unknown. Days of no news is not bad news so somehow you can finds ways to stay calm and continue life. Days when you wonder if things will ever calm down as you watch scenes of devastation unfold and pray that your news will not be so devastating. That it will end somewhere - the gray skies will turn to sunshine.

Many of you have heard me talk about or know my friends Tesney and Greg Davis and their journey of adopting a down syndrome child from Russia. They have gotten knocked down again and again on this journey. First a Russian judge says No. Then they are able to appeal to the Russian Supreme Court - A Ray of Hope. (and what determination I hated when I had to go to family court). Then the tornado hit Tuscaloosa. I would be thinking when is this going to end. And so through a long wait, guts and not giving up they went to the Supreme Court in Russia on Tuesday to appeal their case. Monday they found out that the Supreme Court could rule in their favor and that if they did they could bring their son home immediately. A Ray of Hope. And on Tuesday all of those rays equaled out to they are bringing their son home.

Now I'm in no way trying to compare my journey to theirs because I get the whole apples to apples thing but in so many ways it is apples to apples. (and not the game I hate that game!!!).

It is those little Rays of Hope that calm us - that keep the anxiety in check - that let life be bearable. And even when the freak outs and the tears and the emotions WAY out number them they are there and when they come what joy.

So I've chosen to focus on the Rays of Hope - today I got one. It all blew up Monday. There is a spot on one of those scans on your brain. We need to consult, we need signatures, meetings, waiting, more phone calls, stay calm, we don't know, now we are going to look at previous scans, etc., etc. I'll be honest I'm not sure how I have been able to go out in public. It is one of those protective mechanisms where you just pretend you aren't even you and in therapy terms the manager part kicks in.

Well today got the call from the social worker. Meeting at 3 we will know something soon. Then the call came. You think you will grab that call so fast but the fear sets in and I'm sure I just barely got it before it went to voicemail. Luckily the Dr. didn't beat around the bush just offered his RAY OF HOPE, "well the neurooncologist is 99.999% sure it IS NOT cancer just some spot that has been there all along and why you have probably had headaches that are so severe when you get them." Then there was the speechless period when you realize all those thoughts and images that you have been playing over in your mind for the past week are dead at least for a little bit longer. Then the tears flow and well a RAY OF HOPE what can I say.

And then is when another RAY is delivered (inside joke here but I'm chalking this one up to pray-n-bake) the area in my neck/shoulder well the neurooncologist really thinks it is bruising from busted blood vessels from an injury sight. Three reasons they gave 1) it did not spread significantly from month to month on the scans and 2) my blood work is only getting better not worse 3) the pain I have is more indicative of an injury. The plan is to aggressively treat it as an injury with ICE, pain killers for the swelling, and excersises and then see what happens.

What this would mean is huge. It would mean the interferon is working very well, it is not spreading, and the path to remission is very close. VERY CLOSE!! It also lessens the urgent need to find a Dr. And hopefully it means no more of those nightmares I've been having.

All this in total just be enough RAYS OF HOPE for the sun to shine on this week!!!!

So I guess I'll just go right back to procrastinating on that will.

Our Plans

I read this article by John Ortberg:

Often...we become aware that life does not go the way we plan. We think to ourselves:

I was supposed to be married by now.
I was supposed to be promoted by now.
I was supposed to have retired, or to have children, or to have achieved this dream-
Or, I wasn’t supposed to go bankrupt. I wasn’t supposed to lose my job, or get divorced, or get cancer.

What do you do when life doesn’t turn out the way you planned?
One of the great statements of the Bible reads: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope, and a future.’
Jeremiah 29:11

We all have plans. But God does not say: “I know the plans YOU have for you…”
In the Bible, God is always interrupting somebody’s plan.
Adam didn’t plan on getting created.
Noah didn’t plan on building an ark.
Abraham didn’t plan on becoming the father of a new nation in his 90’s.
Esther didn’t plan on stopping genocide.
Moses didn’t plan on defying Pharaoh.
Mary didn’t plan on getting pregnant.

Not a single story in the Bible begins: “Then someone had a great plan…”
But God has a plan.
Better than our plan.

So even if we have many disappointments, we have something else, something to be grateful for. We are part of somebody else's plan; a better plan, from a Better Planner. His plan is better than we could invent ourselves in a million years.

Gratitude is one of the best parts of the plan.

More Delays

Well Thanksgiving in Branson with the fam and AVA was good (I'll have to post some pics soon) but I got that dreaded stomach virus flu thingy mabopper that they passed around before I got there and wow it wiped me out. While by Monday I was feeling better my white blood count is up fighting it and allergies and who knows what all else. Well I can't start the interferon treatments until my blood count gets below like 12,000 and some lympha something number gets below 3,200 so they aren't quite there (although much better than Tuesday) so here goes another frustrating wait and take a million thumb pricks (blood tests) game.

Anyway amidst my frustration and whatever else you call those emotions my friends come through and my friend Mandy sent me this and well it made me smile. I know with the economy and just a ton of different things for different people some the first holidays without loved ones, some fighting cancer or other illnesses, some with family problems, some financial issues the list could go on and on but well SMILE!!!! It does make it better!!

"Smile" Nat King Cole

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile