As some of you know I am thinking about/pretty sure I'm gonna stay here another year but after last night and this morning and a rememberance of West Texas culture maybe I need to get back to Austin as fast as possible without passing go....
So last night I come out of one of the wierdest sessions I've ever had to the announcement that I better call my clients mucho fasto because it is raining and we were going to close the clinic. What the hey? Oh wait it is Abilene - rain and near freezing temperatures of course is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Of course I was a little frustrated when I walked outside and it wasn't even raining yet; it just was SUPPOSED to. For the record I don't think it ever did ice over but anyway I'll respect safety first. And it was nice to go to Wal-Mart and NOBODY was there; although there were not many diet dr. peppers I guess people had been stocking up all day for the expected storm (that never materialized as usual but we have to keep the weathermen employed)
Well I haven't felt 100% the last couple of days- some asthma some sore throat some probably just exhaustion so I had this great idea to sleep in this morning. Granted sleeping in for my old self is like 8 or 8:30 at the latest. Well a couple of weekends ago the light in our bathroom had exploded and well guess what I guess since they weren't able to shut down because the storm didn't materialize the renter company and the electric company decided they didn't have anything to do today since they ended up having to work and gave us a call at 7:18 AM. RIDICULOUS - are you kidding me? Not only did the rental lady wake me up but she was calling to tell me that the door bell I just heard ringing while on the phone with her was indeed the electric man to look at the light. yes now it is 7:19 AM. So a sleepy eyed, disatrous haired, pj dressed, morning breath fumes flowing out opens the door and lets the electric man in who proceeds to tell me I am cute and asks me what I am doing this weekend. I must just believe that he was trying to make conversation with me because of how I looked but I must reconsider staying another year in West Texas!!!!!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
HOPE
Step two of the 12 Steps Program overriding emphasis is to offer a message of HOPE. One of my frustrations lately has been that I guess over the past ten years too many of my brain cells have died because I can't remember things like I used to but for some reason tonight I am vividly recalling the acrostic for HOPE from Celebrate Recovery last Sunday night. (that is HOPE in itself five days and its still floating in the abyss of my brain!!!)
H- Higher Power
O- Openness to Change
P - Power to Change
E - Expect to Change
Change is so hard. Period. Oh maybe not the little things that don't matter much but to really scrub our lives clean of the mildew and soap scum that has built up over days, weeks, months, years of living one way and then being brought out of our denial that hmmmm maybe this isn't who I am or how I want to live is not easy. When I was at Harding we had this dorm mother (I wish I could say wonderful but...) Aunt B. Now Harding believed in keeping your rooms clean especially in the new dorms and Aunt B was the bathtub Nazi complete with the white glove. Some of you remember how could you forget? Every week we had a shining bathtub. Well I had enough of that so after about 4 years of NOT cleaning my bathtub in Memphis when I moved out of my apartment well you can only imagine the toil and chemicals (there was no Mr. Clean erase sponges back then) at trying to get all that crud off the bathtub. Now as grose as that may be (I clean my bathtub now) how often are our lives like that?
I often talk to my clients about this techy therapist talk of 1st order, 2nd order, prochaska change I think these 4 letters of HOPE are just as good and a little bathtub analogy. But its still hard. And sometimes that message of hope is hard.
Even when I become open to change knowing how to do it and feeling like I have the confidence and power in me to change especially after trying before and failing leads to no faith in the expectation of change. So in essence I guess the expectation in itself that change can occur must be a change. I asked my supervisor how to give a client hope when I wasn't sure there was any hope and he took the situation and reframed my whole thought process about it. Maybe this is the greatest strenght of therapy or friendship; a different view, a reframe, a different perspective, a calling out, all followed up by walking side by side encouraging and never giving up the Hope they have in the other.
H- Higher Power
O- Openness to Change
P - Power to Change
E - Expect to Change
Change is so hard. Period. Oh maybe not the little things that don't matter much but to really scrub our lives clean of the mildew and soap scum that has built up over days, weeks, months, years of living one way and then being brought out of our denial that hmmmm maybe this isn't who I am or how I want to live is not easy. When I was at Harding we had this dorm mother (I wish I could say wonderful but...) Aunt B. Now Harding believed in keeping your rooms clean especially in the new dorms and Aunt B was the bathtub Nazi complete with the white glove. Some of you remember how could you forget? Every week we had a shining bathtub. Well I had enough of that so after about 4 years of NOT cleaning my bathtub in Memphis when I moved out of my apartment well you can only imagine the toil and chemicals (there was no Mr. Clean erase sponges back then) at trying to get all that crud off the bathtub. Now as grose as that may be (I clean my bathtub now) how often are our lives like that?
I often talk to my clients about this techy therapist talk of 1st order, 2nd order, prochaska change I think these 4 letters of HOPE are just as good and a little bathtub analogy. But its still hard. And sometimes that message of hope is hard.
Even when I become open to change knowing how to do it and feeling like I have the confidence and power in me to change especially after trying before and failing leads to no faith in the expectation of change. So in essence I guess the expectation in itself that change can occur must be a change. I asked my supervisor how to give a client hope when I wasn't sure there was any hope and he took the situation and reframed my whole thought process about it. Maybe this is the greatest strenght of therapy or friendship; a different view, a reframe, a different perspective, a calling out, all followed up by walking side by side encouraging and never giving up the Hope they have in the other.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The More I Seek You
Meredith introduced me to Kari Jobe and I have listened to the CD several times and always skipped through this song but this week I was on the phone and heard this song and it has gotten me through this week, a week I wasn't sure how I was going to get through last Sunday night:
www.karijobe.com
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you,
the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
here your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace,
it's overwhelming.
www.karijobe.com
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you,
the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
here your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace,
it's overwhelming.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Bricks
Well the semester has started off with a crazy bang but one of my major goals yesterday morning was to examine the bricks going into the student center on campus. This is what I found; the nasty red mud- now where this mud has come from because I don't think it has rained here since the record snowfall that supposedly occurred over Thanksgiving that everybody missed (well not you Abilene residents) - anyway this mud was all over these bricks.
Tangent here I must go on - the brilliant construction workers who are building the state of the art welcome center and tearing up the parking lot for the clinic of course wait until the 1st day of the semester to rope off half of the parking lot when there is already a parking issue; seriously what did they do all last month; I'm not bitter at all can you tell?
Anyway, Now I know you are saying Rebekah have you lost your mind; well here is the deal; last week I went with a couple of friends to the bookstore there were, I assume campus workers, down on their hands and knees scrubbing these bricks with what looked like tooth brushes. Now just in case you were wandering yes these bricks were on the OUTSIDE. Now I know that ACU is desperately trying to catch up with Harding's student center what with the addition of the big food court and now the computers and big TVs but I don't even think Harding has cleaned the bricks!!!! Think my tuition dollars could be a little less if they just let the bricks stay dirty year round???
Really it was hilarious and I just couldn't resist letting you all know all about it!!!
Tangent here I must go on - the brilliant construction workers who are building the state of the art welcome center and tearing up the parking lot for the clinic of course wait until the 1st day of the semester to rope off half of the parking lot when there is already a parking issue; seriously what did they do all last month; I'm not bitter at all can you tell?
Anyway, Now I know you are saying Rebekah have you lost your mind; well here is the deal; last week I went with a couple of friends to the bookstore there were, I assume campus workers, down on their hands and knees scrubbing these bricks with what looked like tooth brushes. Now just in case you were wandering yes these bricks were on the OUTSIDE. Now I know that ACU is desperately trying to catch up with Harding's student center what with the addition of the big food court and now the computers and big TVs but I don't even think Harding has cleaned the bricks!!!! Think my tuition dollars could be a little less if they just let the bricks stay dirty year round???
Really it was hilarious and I just couldn't resist letting you all know all about it!!!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
The Other Side
Well another night of laying in bed dreaming of happy sleep that isn't happening so the topic of my thoughts tonight is "the other side." I was just thinking how in the clinic so often we see marital issues brought about by affairs and how I think we gravitate to the one who was affaired upon but, and not saying the affair is right, but I wander if we think about the affairer's feelings and how again not saying it is right but they are caught up into a mess so this is what I imagine some of them to be:
A Relationship
Without you I'm in turmoil
With you it is at least a peaceful turmoil
Without you I wake up at night lonely and restless
But with you your arms cradled around me fill that emptiness
At least in that moment
But I live moment to moment
Without you the viper coils around me
But with you he snares his fangs into my being
Deeper each time so I can't pull them out
I promise myself only one more time
Only one more moment
But that turns into a thousand more moments
And the pleasure is so real
Without you I walk the edge
With you I tumble hopelessly down the mountain
Without you the cuts and bruises from the fall are unbearable
But With you they are soothed and bandaged
Without you I wander what she would think or do
With you I don't care
Without you I wander how I will make it through
With you my heart soars for another day
How can something so good
Be oh so wrong?
And yet I long for a thousand more moments
How will this ever end?
A Relationship
Without you I'm in turmoil
With you it is at least a peaceful turmoil
Without you I wake up at night lonely and restless
But with you your arms cradled around me fill that emptiness
At least in that moment
But I live moment to moment
Without you the viper coils around me
But with you he snares his fangs into my being
Deeper each time so I can't pull them out
I promise myself only one more time
Only one more moment
But that turns into a thousand more moments
And the pleasure is so real
Without you I walk the edge
With you I tumble hopelessly down the mountain
Without you the cuts and bruises from the fall are unbearable
But With you they are soothed and bandaged
Without you I wander what she would think or do
With you I don't care
Without you I wander how I will make it through
With you my heart soars for another day
How can something so good
Be oh so wrong?
And yet I long for a thousand more moments
How will this ever end?
Friday, January 04, 2008
Hilarious Singleton Humor
Well I know most of my posts have been on the more reflective serious nature; I just don't know where my sarcastic whit that I thought I once had has gone to but I have a friend that sent me the following email that absolutely cracked me up:
Subject: How to catch a man
Here is the plan. I welcome input. In fact you may respond and add rules for 48 hours.
Subject: How to catch a man
Here is the plan. I welcome input. In fact you may respond and add rules for 48 hours.
Being single is great. It really is. But I think I would like to try the other option now. So I developed this surefire plan to find men and dates in 2008. This is my plan in no particular order of importance. Someone suggested 10 points, I think I need 100. Didn't I have a list of 100 goals that I stuck in journal somewhere.
- Look your best. Men, the filthy pigs, are visual so looks do matter. It might take new makeup, clothes and more than a few trips to the gym for me.
- Set-ups. Yikes, I know. But the required answer to “I know someone I’d like to fix you up with.” is “Tell me about him.” Then “oh he sounds nice, I’d like to meet him.” There are only two exceptions: You know him and he is a tool. You find out he is a felon. Coffee dates are okay.
- Where the boys are. This just means get out of the house. They are not coming over to meet you while you are watching Grey’s. Pick a new activity or organization and meet some new people for crying out loud.
- Flirt. Eye contact, smiling and arm touching. Cleavage showing. Hooker boots, touching of your own neck, hair and ears. I read too much obviously.
- Self Confidence. Get some. I recommend getting a self confidence partner. This person has to say something nice about you each time you meet. It will make you feel better and take some of the sting out when this plan fails miserably
- Seek Advice. Some people know how to do this and I need you to find them and make them tell you how. Then report back to me.
- Bake. cook until you smell vaguely like vanilla. Apparently, this is men's favorite scent. It makes me think of candles. Do men like candles?
- Prayer circles. I am convinced nothing short of the Lord's intervention will help me.
- Stop thinking so much. I have completely worn out my brain by thinking so much. I am serious it isn't what it used to be.
- Move to another country and start over if necessary.
You know what I am backing out. This is too hard. I have become lazy and complacent.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
If Only We Cried out like a Baby
It was a good break over Christmas to just not have school and relax and I got to see how fast and furiously my little 18 month old niece, Karlee, is growing up. It is amazing to me just a few days ago she was as tiny as little Jack my friends from Brazil's newborn as of yesterday. While I was home I got the bright idea it would be fun to keep Karlee a night. I mean my mom and her mom said she now sleeps through the night so I wouldn't have to worry about getting up in the middle of the night (which sounds miserable) and she is at the age where she wants to play and doesn't just sit there and stare at me so over to the house she comes. We had a blast together and while I think that my sister was tricking about sleeping through the night I even kept her another night.
There were several things I observed that made me realize how special babies are and how growing up takes away our innocence as we build defense mechanisms into our brain and emotional systems.
First, Karlee does not want to miss a thing. Its common knowledge babies fight sleep, kids fight sleep, so much is new and they want to take it all in. Funny its seems I never have enough time to get done the necessities and complain I don't get enough sleep and Karlee seems to never have enough time awake to take everything in. She is like a sponge absorbing everything you put in front of her or tell her or what she sees and it is amazing to me how much she knows. I fight sleep in class and would love a knap; we beg her and rock her and give her multiple bottles of milk to convince her that a 30 minute afternoon knap is essential!!!
Second though Karlee can cry with the best of them. Overall she is a pretty happy baby but she will let you know when there is something wrong with a loud cry!! Example: remember that she will sleep through the night? Well the first night we couldn't ever get her to bed without crying and after 30 minutes I couldn't take it anymore so went and got her and cuddled her in bed with me and guess what - totally happy. However, if I laid her over by herself up she came crying. The next night we got her to sleep in her crib until 3:30 and then the crying started so I just put her in bed with me again she wanted cuddled. (After she got to sleep she eventually had to have the middle of the bed with her head burried under a pillow and her legs under her with her butt in the air how that is comfortable I don't know!!!) I tried to lay her down to go to the bathroom and up and crying again. As I was cuddling her I thought how precious and innocent she is and how she just cries until she gets what she needs but one day soon she will grow up and society and friends and parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles will teach her not to cry and to fight through things and to cope and these are important values don't get me wrong but I just think in my life how it would be so different if I wasn't so stinking stubborn that when I really just needed an ear to listen I am too proud to ask for it and to ashamed to admit my struggles even to friends. Crying=shame for me but sometimes I just need a good cry. I think how hard it must be for clients to come in and ask for help and bare their souls to a total stranger. All this just made me want to cuddle cute little Karlee even more and never let her go too bad we all grow up but maybe one day we will learn to cry out for what we really need.
There were several things I observed that made me realize how special babies are and how growing up takes away our innocence as we build defense mechanisms into our brain and emotional systems.
First, Karlee does not want to miss a thing. Its common knowledge babies fight sleep, kids fight sleep, so much is new and they want to take it all in. Funny its seems I never have enough time to get done the necessities and complain I don't get enough sleep and Karlee seems to never have enough time awake to take everything in. She is like a sponge absorbing everything you put in front of her or tell her or what she sees and it is amazing to me how much she knows. I fight sleep in class and would love a knap; we beg her and rock her and give her multiple bottles of milk to convince her that a 30 minute afternoon knap is essential!!!
Second though Karlee can cry with the best of them. Overall she is a pretty happy baby but she will let you know when there is something wrong with a loud cry!! Example: remember that she will sleep through the night? Well the first night we couldn't ever get her to bed without crying and after 30 minutes I couldn't take it anymore so went and got her and cuddled her in bed with me and guess what - totally happy. However, if I laid her over by herself up she came crying. The next night we got her to sleep in her crib until 3:30 and then the crying started so I just put her in bed with me again she wanted cuddled. (After she got to sleep she eventually had to have the middle of the bed with her head burried under a pillow and her legs under her with her butt in the air how that is comfortable I don't know!!!) I tried to lay her down to go to the bathroom and up and crying again. As I was cuddling her I thought how precious and innocent she is and how she just cries until she gets what she needs but one day soon she will grow up and society and friends and parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles will teach her not to cry and to fight through things and to cope and these are important values don't get me wrong but I just think in my life how it would be so different if I wasn't so stinking stubborn that when I really just needed an ear to listen I am too proud to ask for it and to ashamed to admit my struggles even to friends. Crying=shame for me but sometimes I just need a good cry. I think how hard it must be for clients to come in and ask for help and bare their souls to a total stranger. All this just made me want to cuddle cute little Karlee even more and never let her go too bad we all grow up but maybe one day we will learn to cry out for what we really need.
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