Friday, October 12, 2007
Stroller/Car Seat Help
Two blogs in one day I know overkill but I have some friends who are having a baby late December early January and are making that big contemplative decision of what brand kind safety issued etc. of stroller/car seat combo to get for their little precious baby jack. As many of you are experts at this I thought I would solicit your help for suggestions what brand the good the bad the ugly about that certain product or any websites with information you could suggest. THANKS for your help!!!!
PUBLISHED
Now allow me to brag a second without feeling bad!!! I am officially published in a public newspaper. Now this is a big deal to 1) an MFT grad student desperate to have anything to pad a resume in about a year in a field that loves articles and 2) to a person that loves to write but is too insecure to let people read her stuff. Now granted this article appeared in the smallest Christian newspaper (The Way) ever published and in Abilene at that but neverthe less if you care to indulge me and read the blogged internet version (minus my awful picture) here you go:
I am not an insect lover especially when it comes to those crawly eight legged bugs. Just writing the word spider gives me chills. Somehow, someway those little creatures manage to get past the saturation of liquid poison that I have sprayed around our doors and the outside perimeter of our house. Yesterday was a bright sunny day, so I decided that I needed to let some sunlight into my house to counteract the devastation that the A&M Aggies were heaping upon themselves during the third quarter of what should have been an easy home game. Therefore, I pulled up the blinds to our window only to discover a huge, no an enormous, spider in the midst of an even bigger web.
Naturally I screamed, but once I calmed down, I noticed that trapped in this web was a fly, seemingly in inescapable pain from the trap of the web. I wondered if this was the same fly that I had heard buzzing around my apartment all week but ignored. It made me immediately think of Brene Brown’s book Women and Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connections, in which she describes how shame traps us in a web. I pulled down the shutters faster than lightening strikes, and it made me wish that I could pull down the shutters over the web of shame that so often traps me in unavoidable internal pain.
Just like I had ignored that buzzing fly for days, shame is often ignored in our everyday discussions because frankly it is often just too dark and painful, too unapproachable and sad, and too secretive about which to talk. This avoidance thus increases the amount of shame we experience and sets up a never ending cycle of continued failure. Unfortunately, shame is very real and the consequences at times can be devastating. By facing shame head on, however, we can wage war against the web that so easily entangles us.
Shame has not always been a part of our lives. In the beginning God made man, male and female, and he exclaims that his creation is good. They were basked in God’s perfection, and the Bible even emphasizes in Genesis 2 that, “they felt no shame.” Then the man and woman succumbed to sin, and mankind has been fighting feelings of shame ever since; sometimes feelings so deep, intense, and painful that we hide from everything and everyone including ourselves and God.
What exactly is shame? Is it the same as guilt? Is it the same as embarrassment? I believe it is independent of guilt and embarrassment and is a deeper, more painful, longer lasting feeling that can eventually define a person. Wikipedia defines shame as, “the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.” While Brown’s book is written to a female audience her definition of shame is relevant for men as well, for shame does not discriminate according to gender. According to Brown, shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.”
Shame, however, is different from guilt. In their book Facing Shame, Fossum and Mason state that, “guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." Therefore, while guilt is feeling bad for something we did, shame is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is also different from embarrassment. While one can feel shame from embarrassment, embarrassment results from an event that occurred that involved public humiliation. We may quickly get over the embarrassment of the incident but the shame may continue to fester inside of us. When we are embarrassed our face turns red; when we feel shame are hearts turn frail.
As feelings of unworthiness continue to increase inside of us, we respond in one of several ways. Some people start to reach out to anybody and anything for just a spark of love and attention. They feel worthless about themselves and therefore search for anything to make them feel like they are valuable. The feelings are so ingrained, however, that any admonishment received is short lived. When those plagued by shame are criticized they often become anxious and depressed due to their lack of self-confidence. Eventually they live in a depressive anxiety state as they adapt to the beliefs that they are inherently flawed. Others feel worthless and spend their lives proving they are worthless. However, they still have that deep need to be seen and known and often turn to alcohol, drugs, or other criminal activity or acting out behavior. They trudge through the existence of everyday life as if everything is great on the outside while on the inside they are in inner turmoil and despair, feeling trapped, lonely, and hopeless. People that experience deep shame do not believe that they are worthwhile to anyone, especially to God.
The great news is that there is hope! To break the hold of shame we must understand the things that cause us to be vulnerable to shame. These feelings most often develop in young children and teenagers and are often brought about unintentionally by parents or close friends. As a child, traumatic events, such as physical or sexual abuse, can leave a young person believing they are worthless. Also, humiliation and demeaning types of discipline can invoke the tendency towards worthlessness in young children. Saying things like, “you look ridiculous”, “don’t you have any pride?”, and “I can and will treat you any way I want to” tell children that they are not worthy of their parents’ love and can plant a seed of shame in their heart.
Therefore, it is critical for parents to be aware of what is being said to children and to instill a sense of unconditional love and belonging in their children. Let children know it is their act of disobedience or act of potential harm that you do not like and are punishing rather than who they are. It is essential not to squelch a child’s spirit or creativity but to encourage them to find and express their inner feelings. Instill pride in your child. Praise your child when they do their best in academics, sports, and other school activities and do not demand the unachievable from them. Fully accept and value your children.
According to Brown, as we grow older, shame takes over by setting up a wave of expectations from many different sources trapping us in a web that is impossible to negotiate, thus leaving us trapped, powerless, and isolated. These expectations come from all angles: parents, church, friends, family, society, media, and spouses just to name a few. For instance, this weekend I scanned the magazine racks at the grocery store and noted in less than 30 seconds that I am not skinny enough, that I am not fit enough, that I do not date enough, and that I do not dress fashionably enough. All of these expectations started invoking feelings of shame within me. And this is just one of the many sources that continually thrust expectations upon me telling me how I should act and who I should be.
To overcome this shame, Brown introduces the idea of shame resilience. While we may have the tendency to become trapped in the shame web, by learning how to resist this trap we can overcome the pain of worthlessness. Brown introduces four elements to opposing shame: 1) acknowledge personal vulnerability; 2) be aware of your own personal shame web and what often traps you; 3) a willingness to reach out to others that can show empathy as opposed to sympathy; and 4) understand how shame works and where it comes from. As we become more aware of the expectations from the outside that trap us and work to release the strongholds in our lives, we begin to discover the gift of who we are; a special being created uniquely in the image of God.
Individuals with deep-seeded shame need to be unconditionally accepted and loved. There is no greater experience of this love and demonstration of worthiness than from God’s gift of his Son, but if you know someone that lives with shame, be an empathetic friend and accept them, refrain from judging them, and show them unreserved love. While building up shame resilience to tear down the web of shame that so often traps us takes time and patience, it is well worth the effort when a person with feelings of shame and unworthiness can finally declare and fully believe that they are valuable!
Shame: Waging War against Hidden Internal Pain
I am not an insect lover especially when it comes to those crawly eight legged bugs. Just writing the word spider gives me chills. Somehow, someway those little creatures manage to get past the saturation of liquid poison that I have sprayed around our doors and the outside perimeter of our house. Yesterday was a bright sunny day, so I decided that I needed to let some sunlight into my house to counteract the devastation that the A&M Aggies were heaping upon themselves during the third quarter of what should have been an easy home game. Therefore, I pulled up the blinds to our window only to discover a huge, no an enormous, spider in the midst of an even bigger web.
Naturally I screamed, but once I calmed down, I noticed that trapped in this web was a fly, seemingly in inescapable pain from the trap of the web. I wondered if this was the same fly that I had heard buzzing around my apartment all week but ignored. It made me immediately think of Brene Brown’s book Women and Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connections, in which she describes how shame traps us in a web. I pulled down the shutters faster than lightening strikes, and it made me wish that I could pull down the shutters over the web of shame that so often traps me in unavoidable internal pain.
Just like I had ignored that buzzing fly for days, shame is often ignored in our everyday discussions because frankly it is often just too dark and painful, too unapproachable and sad, and too secretive about which to talk. This avoidance thus increases the amount of shame we experience and sets up a never ending cycle of continued failure. Unfortunately, shame is very real and the consequences at times can be devastating. By facing shame head on, however, we can wage war against the web that so easily entangles us.
Shame has not always been a part of our lives. In the beginning God made man, male and female, and he exclaims that his creation is good. They were basked in God’s perfection, and the Bible even emphasizes in Genesis 2 that, “they felt no shame.” Then the man and woman succumbed to sin, and mankind has been fighting feelings of shame ever since; sometimes feelings so deep, intense, and painful that we hide from everything and everyone including ourselves and God.
What exactly is shame? Is it the same as guilt? Is it the same as embarrassment? I believe it is independent of guilt and embarrassment and is a deeper, more painful, longer lasting feeling that can eventually define a person. Wikipedia defines shame as, “the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.” While Brown’s book is written to a female audience her definition of shame is relevant for men as well, for shame does not discriminate according to gender. According to Brown, shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.”
Shame, however, is different from guilt. In their book Facing Shame, Fossum and Mason state that, “guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." Therefore, while guilt is feeling bad for something we did, shame is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is also different from embarrassment. While one can feel shame from embarrassment, embarrassment results from an event that occurred that involved public humiliation. We may quickly get over the embarrassment of the incident but the shame may continue to fester inside of us. When we are embarrassed our face turns red; when we feel shame are hearts turn frail.
As feelings of unworthiness continue to increase inside of us, we respond in one of several ways. Some people start to reach out to anybody and anything for just a spark of love and attention. They feel worthless about themselves and therefore search for anything to make them feel like they are valuable. The feelings are so ingrained, however, that any admonishment received is short lived. When those plagued by shame are criticized they often become anxious and depressed due to their lack of self-confidence. Eventually they live in a depressive anxiety state as they adapt to the beliefs that they are inherently flawed. Others feel worthless and spend their lives proving they are worthless. However, they still have that deep need to be seen and known and often turn to alcohol, drugs, or other criminal activity or acting out behavior. They trudge through the existence of everyday life as if everything is great on the outside while on the inside they are in inner turmoil and despair, feeling trapped, lonely, and hopeless. People that experience deep shame do not believe that they are worthwhile to anyone, especially to God.
The great news is that there is hope! To break the hold of shame we must understand the things that cause us to be vulnerable to shame. These feelings most often develop in young children and teenagers and are often brought about unintentionally by parents or close friends. As a child, traumatic events, such as physical or sexual abuse, can leave a young person believing they are worthless. Also, humiliation and demeaning types of discipline can invoke the tendency towards worthlessness in young children. Saying things like, “you look ridiculous”, “don’t you have any pride?”, and “I can and will treat you any way I want to” tell children that they are not worthy of their parents’ love and can plant a seed of shame in their heart.
Therefore, it is critical for parents to be aware of what is being said to children and to instill a sense of unconditional love and belonging in their children. Let children know it is their act of disobedience or act of potential harm that you do not like and are punishing rather than who they are. It is essential not to squelch a child’s spirit or creativity but to encourage them to find and express their inner feelings. Instill pride in your child. Praise your child when they do their best in academics, sports, and other school activities and do not demand the unachievable from them. Fully accept and value your children.
According to Brown, as we grow older, shame takes over by setting up a wave of expectations from many different sources trapping us in a web that is impossible to negotiate, thus leaving us trapped, powerless, and isolated. These expectations come from all angles: parents, church, friends, family, society, media, and spouses just to name a few. For instance, this weekend I scanned the magazine racks at the grocery store and noted in less than 30 seconds that I am not skinny enough, that I am not fit enough, that I do not date enough, and that I do not dress fashionably enough. All of these expectations started invoking feelings of shame within me. And this is just one of the many sources that continually thrust expectations upon me telling me how I should act and who I should be.
To overcome this shame, Brown introduces the idea of shame resilience. While we may have the tendency to become trapped in the shame web, by learning how to resist this trap we can overcome the pain of worthlessness. Brown introduces four elements to opposing shame: 1) acknowledge personal vulnerability; 2) be aware of your own personal shame web and what often traps you; 3) a willingness to reach out to others that can show empathy as opposed to sympathy; and 4) understand how shame works and where it comes from. As we become more aware of the expectations from the outside that trap us and work to release the strongholds in our lives, we begin to discover the gift of who we are; a special being created uniquely in the image of God.
Individuals with deep-seeded shame need to be unconditionally accepted and loved. There is no greater experience of this love and demonstration of worthiness than from God’s gift of his Son, but if you know someone that lives with shame, be an empathetic friend and accept them, refrain from judging them, and show them unreserved love. While building up shame resilience to tear down the web of shame that so often traps us takes time and patience, it is well worth the effort when a person with feelings of shame and unworthiness can finally declare and fully believe that they are valuable!
Some final comments:
1) I still hate insects especially the dead crickets and half dead crickets (thankfully they aren't alive due to the spray) that are covering our garage apparently the rain brought the plague last night and our gray concrete is now black.
2) Yes the Aggies did manage to pull off a victory BUT they are done with the rinky dink teams Good riddance to coach FRAN!!!! (Tesney you are probably so happy BAMA didn't keep him!!!)
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