Older I Grow - Scars and Bruises

Well I guess today is the day that I have finally used up my year that I say I don't have to move up to the next age group checking the next box on the questionairres that ask your age. Of course that is because I say that it should be asked 21-30; 31-40; 41-50; etc. I guess I am just going to have to suck it up and move on and be proud that I am the youngest in that box. So yes today I am 31. In one sense that seems so old but in another it seems so young. Old because I am surrounded by good friends that are like 23, 24, 25 and young because some of my best friends are 36, 42, 35, etc. so...


Anyway, it has been 30 amazing years. I was talking to my dad on the phone and he started randomly telling me this story about some time I fell down and cut my leg open and while I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about it made me think about all the scars I have.


Now this seems off subject a little bit but stick with me here a second. I am very fair skinned and have very thin blood vessels and that equals the ability to bruise with ease. So I am always looking on my legs or arms and seeing these random bruises that I have no idea where they come from. Now sometimes I know there is a bruise there and if I know I hit something that is going to leave a bruise it is usually big and blue, black, brown, green. You get the point.

Now let me go back to scars. I am sure I have several scars but I have two very distinct scars that are not that big but sometimes even today they still hurt. One is on my left knee and is not even that big but is rough and it feels different when the weather changes or when I'm in the sun a lot or when I shave and my legs are smooth but that one little rough dot. I got it from riding my bike at somepoint in grade school and I'm sure trying to show off doing some stunt. I just remember falling and it bending the frame of my bike and I was a ways from home. I had to walk my bike home and my knee had a piece of glass in it and I could not bend it. It hurt bad and was bleeding but I made it home where my parents pulled out the glass told me they were going to pour some great healing stuff on (aka hydrogen peroxide) that ended up burning worse than when I fell!!! (One side note: remember I'm checking that older age box so back in my day we didn't wear knee pads and helmets when riding bikes).


The second scar is on my mouth. Just left of the middle of my bottom lip. I got it my senior year in high school New Year's Eve out playing pick me up basketball with my sister on the driveway. My sister blocked me and I went up and over her and well she moved and I fell flat on my face. I remember lifting my face and seeing all this blood gushing and immediately thought I had broken my nose. I went inside to look at it holding my hands to catch the blood and looked in the mirror to see my teeth sticking out of my lower gum. Well what do I do but just pull my gum off my teeth and put some ice on it and go back out to ensure I won the basketball game. Needless to say the next morning my mouth was VERY swolen and eventually scabbed and I had to drink milkshakes and soup out of a straw to eat for a while. Luckily your mouth heals quickly. By the time we realized it went clear through my mouth and I needed stiches it was really too late so we just left it.


So now you know why I don't wear lipstick. Because you see this lipstick and then this pale spot where the scar is and you can't cover it up smoothly so it just looks better with none. Certain times like when it is really cold the scar still hurts and it swells up a little and I can feel it by rolling my tongue over the inside of my mouth. If you want to see it just ask me and I'll give you the tour.


So Bruises and scars - we all get them or have them.


That is we all have physical ones.


But we all have emotional ones too.


And spiritual ones.


I have many bruises and scars; emotional and spiritual. We all do. I am not alone - you are not alone.


I was just thinking what my preference is and I think it is scars. They both hurt. Neither are fun although sometimes we like to show them off like they look really cool.

The thing is bruises heal and go away and we aren't constantly reminded about them. That is not to say that we don't forget about them. In reality probably a lot of them we do forget about or don't even realize the bruise or any lesson we could learn. The bigger ones maybe we think about every once in a while and the lessons learned.

But scars - they are always there. It usually hurts worse to have a scar left behind. But the lesson learned is usually deeper and special. It may hurt but it also heals. And the thing is you aren't the same. That small part of you is forever changed.


So I've lived 31 years.


If you asked me 10 years ago at Harding if I would be a single second year student in Abilene, TX in an MFT program I would have laughed. It has taken a lot of bruises and scars to get here but I"m here. Some of those emotional and spiritual bruises have been healed in this program and some of those wounds have been allowed to form a tender scar through all the people, friends, professors, supervisors, clients involved in this program. It has not always been easy - in fact it has been seemingly unbearable at times. I still have some really deep wounds emotional and spiritual. And the past semester it often seems they have been cut deeper but the past week they are finally starting to scab over and I think that one day I will have some amazing scars even though it sometimes hurts now.


And I know it will make me a better therapist; a better friend; a better person; hopefully one day a better mom; a better daughter; a better sister; a better whatever role I find myself in I will be tougher because of the scars I have.


So I have lived 31 years and they have been great and hard at the same time. There are still some bruises healing and there are some gashes that need mending and one day will be a new scar; but I am grateful for the scars I have that remind me who I am, whose I am, where I've been, and where I can go.

The Gift Lost

Exploitation has robbed me of the gift
That wasn't appreciated until it was lost
And now day dreams wish for its return
After years of plotting good riddance

Once departed I yearn for renewal
Of the freedom I once detested
Cause now I'm caught in the trap
And enclosed in the bondage of the Gift Lost

Grand Canyon

So I know this is a long time coming but life around here can get busy - yes in Abilene!!

As most of you know as a part of the program we do a research project which me and three others with our professor Dr. Goff did on the Effects of Extramarital Sexual Activities on Shame and Marital Sexual Satisfaction. Doesn't that sound super fancy and intelligent?!!

Anyway, we did a poster session at a conference in Galveston (which basically means you print out a powerpoint, laminate it, and stick it on a board, and then stand in a hot as you know where room and answer 1000 peoples questions - Tesney you are probably really familiar with this process!! - refer to pic below) Anyway, we also got selected to present a one hour session at this conference called CAPS which is a psychology conference in Phoenix. Well my days brain went back to travel mode from Ernst & Young days where you all know I would work out a trip to see as much as possible so the first thought that popped in my mind was Grand Canyon here we come!!!

And guess what it happened.

So me and two of the other group memebers Steve and Danille and Steve's wife Jenn who I just happen to work with at DK (the accounting firm) head off to Phoenix for a fun and relaxing weekend. Now I don't want to bore you with details because believe me these conferences can be boring especially for ADHD tired and unfocused 30 year old back in school students!! But I have to put a shout out to our professor. Dr. Goff was not able to go with us because SHE yes SHE had this other conference to go to. Well now apparently these psychology types, unlike the MFT types, think that some young whipper snappers can't come in here and present a presentation without their professor (of course what they don't know is that Steve is older than the prof and I am the same age but...). So about 5 minutes into our presentation this rather interesting looking (that should have been first clue) man on the front row says, "I am very disappointed that your professor is not here HE should be here presenting HIS research".

Now here is what went through my mind 1) who the heck are you that you don't think that we can professionally handle ourselves to present our research (granted we may have to make up some stats stuff but...) and 2) who are you to think that our professor is automatically a guy.

Luckily Steve stepped in and corrected him and defended us nicely before I could leap over the podeum and give him a piece of my mind (not that I would do that but..). And besides how could he just assume that she did not want to be here or that an emergency came up or something else. I mean to just assume; well maybe I am still upset because it was unfair, it minimized us, and it minimized the effort our whole team (including Dr. Goff )put into this research.

Anyway, the point of me talking about this long drawn out story is that I get so frustrated at the gender inequalities that still exist and the assumptions that are just automatically made. Interestingly enough just a couple of nights ago me and Dr. Goff (SHE mind you) were having a conversation about how we often just automatically in our language seem to assume God is male. Now you think about the qualities we like most in God and our society generalizes those as feminine...interesting. Think about that for a while.

Alright I'll get off my soap box and put some pictures on here. We had a blast and my parents hooked us up with an awesome timeshare place with our own personal hot tub in Flagstaff and well there are just not words for the magnificance of the Grand Canyon.

So I found out I still have the ability to make the most out of a trip. Maybe some things from those EY days will never change.

Getting ready to go out on the town in Galveston

(those of you who have been there know what that entails; we were soon back at the beach)

Also, these are some of my best friends

I'm sure some of you have heard me talk about these girls

Becca, Mindy, Christi, R, Gretchen, and Dr. Goff (she is cool like that to hang with us)

This is a poster with our team Christi, Danielle, and Steve

At CAPS - Steve, Me and Danielle

This like home dwelling was just in these rocks off the interstate

it was really cool to think people used to live here like this was their home

Yes I still like to get as close to the edge as possible!!!

All of us - too bad pictures just don't do it justice!!

We just could not get Jenn to come to the edge with us!!!