Powerless

Some of you know I am helping lead a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I have personally always struggled getting past step 1 but thought this time ok I'm serious. Well the more we have read step one the more I am hung up again so I thought I'd might as well ramble about it on hear. Seriously, I would like your comments though because this is also something that I know holds up some of my clients. I'll try my best to organize my thoughts to make sense:
1st tonight a good friend looked up some definitions for me:
Powerless - lacking strength or power; helpless; ineffectual
Power - the ability or capacity to act or perform effectively; strength or force exerted or capable of being exerted; might; the ability to exercise control; authority
Power (according to my shame book I love by Brene Brown)- access to choice and the ability to effect change; to explore and create options
Ok - here is my problem step one of the 12 steps says:
We admiteted we were POWERLESS over OUR ADDICTION, hurts, habits, or hangups (whatever goes here for you) - that our lives have become unmanageable.
In Celebrate Recovery Principle 1 is:
Realize I'm not God (or your higher power) and that I am POWERLESS to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable.

Now I'll be the first to admit about sometimes my life being unmanageable but I have a HUGE OLE problem with saying I am powerless because I don't believe I am. I have never gotten past step one because of this. I strongly believe the we have free will and have the power within us to control our decisions and actions. Now whether we use that power to make bad decisions and to stay in our addictions or to change is up to us. For you counseling types insert Prochaska's stages of change here but I won't go into that. Now for Christians I know you insert in here, "we don't have the power but God does" Well don't get me wrong God may be powerful but didn't he give us free will to choose. Is that not the premise of Christianity that we have free will and yet we choose to sin thus we need a bridge to be clean again before God yet we have the power to make that decision God does not decide that for us. So Christian or not I just struggle getting past this. For instance just one of my many addictions overeating - ok you put a bowl of queso in front of me and some chips and you think I have control to say no I'm not going to eat any? Guess what ABSOLUTELY!!! but often I CHOOSE to eat whatever I want whether I need to or not. Now because of my addictions and hurts I may feel powerless like I don't have control but I sit in counseling session after counseling session offering clients hope that they DO have control that they can decide to make their own decisions. Now again for Christians I am not saying that having a relationship with God cannot help things and refocus us on striving for a sinless life so to speak but I still think that within us that is our choice.

Ok - I'll stop I don't know if this is very clear but I would like to see what some of you out there especially you Tesney think about all this!!!

The Ups and Downs of This Week

I love roller coasters that is probably an understatement. I love the slow climb to the top and then the free fall with the wind blowing my contacts dry and the jerking and arms in the air everything I love it but this week I found out what an emotional rollercoaster was like and I can't say I'm a fan.

It all started out when Steve called me Sunday and was sick and wouldn't be able to lead Celebrate Recovery (see favorites for more info on this). I agreed to do the talk forgetting how much I'm not a fan of standing up in front of others talking but it went well and hopefully the attendees have a place of safety to find support. I won't go into all the emotions CR brings up in my personal life but just summarize that that is an emotional roller coaster with in a big one.

Then stressful day on Monday with clients which I won't expand on and a project due in class. We get it done and Tuesday was a slow climb to the top and the beggining of the free fall and it was busy but good. Wednesday started out good screaming as the end was in sight but soon the jerking began and man between all of us class mates needing a break and a rather emotional tense hard session I was barreling out of control. Things got better Thursday and Friday as I met friends for coffee, lunch, and just relaxed and had fun and somehow my clients all figured out to cancel because I needed a break!!! But there was even some drama thrown in there Thursday afternoon with my externship and a trip to the doctor well that is all I have to say about that. But then finally last night the week screeched to a happy halt as a bunch of us gathered and watched Elf a great funny Christmas movie (well I could personally do without the last 10 minutes or so but the rest is hilarious)!!! One thing I was reminded of is the treasure of the people in this program and the friends and support that I have. Here are some pictures from last night and something I wrote that pretty much sums up the difficult sessions of the week....

Sometimes this is what I scream up when I feel inadequate trying to offer clients a glimmer of hope:

Do you look down and see my inadequacies?
When I don't know what to say
Or where to go
When a soul sits in front of me
Crying out for help
And I have no answers
My offering of hope seems so shallow
Do you see me?
Do you?
Do you hear my babblings?
My searching for questions to ask to pass the time
because I don't know what to say or to do-
I don't know what wisdom to impart
Do you feel the ache in my heart?
Are you the one that allows the tears to well up
As part of me empathizes and feels for the hurting and oppressed
While another part of me sees how you have so blessed me.
How do I relate?
How do I sit in their presence?
Where will I find wisdom?
Do I have the strenght to hold it together?
The patience to be patient?
How do I offer hope?
Is there even hope?