More Delays

Well Thanksgiving in Branson with the fam and AVA was good (I'll have to post some pics soon) but I got that dreaded stomach virus flu thingy mabopper that they passed around before I got there and wow it wiped me out. While by Monday I was feeling better my white blood count is up fighting it and allergies and who knows what all else. Well I can't start the interferon treatments until my blood count gets below like 12,000 and some lympha something number gets below 3,200 so they aren't quite there (although much better than Tuesday) so here goes another frustrating wait and take a million thumb pricks (blood tests) game.

Anyway amidst my frustration and whatever else you call those emotions my friends come through and my friend Mandy sent me this and well it made me smile. I know with the economy and just a ton of different things for different people some the first holidays without loved ones, some fighting cancer or other illnesses, some with family problems, some financial issues the list could go on and on but well SMILE!!!! It does make it better!!

"Smile" Nat King Cole

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

My Changed Life

For 32 years and 8 months to the date the word Cancer was a word I never liked and my heart would ache when I heard of its attack on a person I knew or a friend of a loved one. I was one of those friends that cared so much but didn't really know what to say or do because I didn't understand the roller coaster, the frustration, the invasion upon any kind of routine, the endless range of emotions. I'd offer my feeble I'm so sorry and maybe mutter an I'm praying for you and your family and I would go on with my life. It might or might not come up in a conversation but it sure wasn't the Queen of my life. That all changed on December 30, 2009. No longer was it just a word some people dealt with it became my reality. I don't fleetingly think about it anymore its constantly on my mind. I don't just if I remember mumble a prayer I cry out I scream I'm begging...
The thing you can't understand and is so hard to explain is the ups and downs and the fears and guilt and the what ifs and the whys and the if onlys and the well I could go on and on.
It is hard for me because it is hard for me to express and share my emotions and deepest thoughts thanks to what we counselors call the great FOO (family of origin). Don't take that wrong I'm not blaming my family it is just harder for me to go out of that comfort zone but I also know not going out of it is unhealthy.
Lately one of the hardest things (other than sheer frustration in it seeming that there is one mess and complication or delay after another) is the immense amount of guilt at the feelings and questions I do have. I am so blessed. But my thoughts are consumed with the selfishness of why me and yet the guilt of knowing why not me. And the questions - how does this all work and why. And they feel so silly at times because my faith is supposed to be greater than the thoughts of things like is this just a big lottery system or why can't I just have one thing I really want oh wait I am blessed. Thoughts like I would give up everything I do have just to have something that I want more.
So here is what cancer does - it is an invasive attacking mess that wipes you out physically, drains you emotionally, and challenges you spiritually. And then friends come in and build a little bit of that up pieces at a time. My life will never be the same and I don't know if I'll ever understand it but I keep waking up and I keep walking so here we go...

The Winner IS:

Thanks to all who voted. After much unneeded stress and deliberation and agonizing over fonts and words and titles and pointless things in life...it is my believe that VistaPrint (via the UPS guy and my friend that went and picked them up) delivered the business cards and other marketing items they so generously offered to me for free. Here is what I think they should look like. Things are coming together the couch and chairs are in and I'm gonna stop at Ikea on Monday and I think by mid October I'll be up and running. Thanks for all your support (and referrals ha!!)

The Furniture

You asked for pics that weren't on a tiny cell phone screen so here you go. It will be complemented by other things I'm not sure what. The carpet is brown so definitely a rug. I was going to paint gray now not sure. I feel a trip to IKEA coming on though maybe when I'm in DFW in a few days.

Help Me - Please Vote!!!

I think private practice is becoming more and more of a reality. Of course if you know me it is agonizing for me to make any decisions so therefore, I will solicit your votes. Of course if you know me you know I really want to explain the theories and my thinking behind each of this and my whole premise for the name of my practice Bridges to Healing which I opted for over Building Bridges and are still waffling on that decision!! ha!! Anyway, I want what is appealing easy to read to the a client, has adequate information but not too much and will make you want to rush to make an appointment!!! I also want something that is appealing to both male and female hence why the bottom one is not pink!!. Also, the information is still very much in process. I got a really good offer for office space downtown and I still have another possible option and so I'm trying to decide. There are pros and cons to both so I say that to say the number, website and address is still in process. Ok so here is what I need you my Business Advisors to do - comment on facebook or on the blog and tell me which one you like. Then say some prayers for me as I make these what is to me scary decisions because if this works I'll be in some way influencing people's lives and to me that is a great responsibility. Thanks for your help in my endeavors!!

MD Anderson Update

Sorry it has taken me so long to get something posted. So I ventured over to the great town of Houston where traffic is quite different from Abilene and where the whole MD Anderson complex might just be as big as Abilene. It ended up just being me but it was fine because the people there are amazing. I had to basically do tests and scans and blood work the first four or five hours and I had a person just be with me take me around get me drinks if I could have them make sure I was comfortable etc. I never had to worry about getting lost except from the parking garage but...
Anyway, so basically the cancer is "contained" although it has as this one Dr. liked to say 100 times "infiltrated" my lymph nodes but he believes only "slightly infiltrated" them. My blood work has improved some and they think a large part of this is finally getting the dehydration, electrolytes all those other problems that have resulted in a ton of IVs under control. They suggested another dynamite stick which I even got Dr. Mac Mr. serious Dr. to call it dynamite stick by the time I left!! Anyway, due to the constant complications I was not keen on this. They listened to me and went through the reasons positives and possible complications and we decided to go on and give it one more try. We are going to hold off on external radiation for at least a week and see what happens but that will eventually be a reality again. I guess overall good news it wasn't spread but in some ways I just feel like here goes the waiting game again. I guess for some reason God is wanting me to learn patience.
I have again this week been reminded how blessed I am by truly amazing friendships. I can't even start to thank all of you enough. At one point one of my friends texted me and told me he was going to fly to Houston so I wouldn't be alone and I started crying and the nurse with me asked if I was ok and I just told her that she would be crying too if she had just 1/4 of the friends I have. So thanks to all of you and most importantly for the prayers!!

Oh and Mandy - your friend's website might get a lot of hits because the bondibands were a hit!!

love you all, Rebekah

Summer Part 3 - Niagara Falls

Well the next part was probably my favorite of the entire trip. The pics tell all. God's power is amazing!!!

This is after the falls looking back up towards them its so peaceful no hint of what just came down the river or the rapids that the river is fixing to turn into. It is beautiful.

These two pictures above and below is called the whirlpool its a 90 degree sharp turn of rapids class VI rapids that is but it looks like it would be fun to raft.
The American Falls from the Niagara State Park in NY. This little section is Bridal Falls and you can climb this deck and stand under it.The bottom of the American Falls getting ready to climb to Hurricane Deck and stand under them. Hmmm I might get wet even with these fancy panchos.Yep getting wet and mom managed to get a picture yes that blur is water and yes it hurts when it hit you!!
On the Maid of Mist going to get close to the horseshoe falls oh wait I'm wet they already got close to me. The pics are great but its just water.The Horseshoe Falls from Niagara State Park in NY
We stayed on the Canadian side and this was our view of the American Falls at night and we could also see the Horseshoe Falls but the mist was so amazing you could hardly see the falls so... no pics posted. I mean I took over 200 I have to stop somewhere!!From the Canadian side the last two are the Horseshoe Falls up close and panoramic well sort of.

Summer Part Two

So after camp I braved the month long trip with the parentals. It was a lot of fun and I can proudly say I've been to close to every fort and battlefield in Pennsylvania and New York as well as President's Houses, gravesites, and captial buildings but it was fun. Here are the highlights of the first part.

In Pittsburg I wish we had more time here I really liked this city.

Pittsburg looking at 3 rivers and the point lots and lots of bridges. Really a cool city.

They were serious about not getting on the field at Heinz Field much less stand on it but mom snapped this picture before they yelled to get off!!

Not a huge Steelers fan but the tour of this field was really cool. Stadium is nice.

Serioulsy is it possible to eat this much chocalate?

There is serioulsy a town called Hershey and its where they make Hershey products Wow what a concept!!

My dad got excited about New Holland because he used to sell this equipment so it was kind of cool going to this plant in the middle of Amish country.

In a real Amish buggy - this nice couple gave us a tour of their farm.

Of course my dad loved this town and only the Amish could name a town "intercourse"

The whole country is litered with farms like these. Really pretty.

Summer Part One

Well I'm back to the furnace of Abilene but I've had a great two months off of work and stressful life (well at least not in the suicidal/homicidal clients stressful way) and got to spend ALOT of time with family. The first two weeks I headed to Camp and yes that can only mean Camp Blue Haven with Miriam, Rachel and Todd and the kiddos. Miriam and I taught pre-campers which was fun but very different from teaching jr. high. I hope the kiddos had fun and well I have a lot of pictures of them looking like they were having fun so that is going to count. It was a lot of fun to see all the cousins play together and get to be at Camp together. There was a fire threatening the area on Bear Mountain and while it added some different elements to 2nd session it was a blessing to get to see and spend a lot of time with my friend Polly whom I hardly ever get to see when up there. I could write so many stories about what the kids do and how Dawson liked to scare us by stopping his breathing one night but I'll let some pictures speak for themselves. I hope we can do this every year I guess at some point we might have to get my brother on board - hmmm to go to Camp well doubtful....

Thanks to Lance and Wayne I finally have gotten to go to Barillas Peak I can't say I've hiked it but it was beautiful and I got to hear all about repeaters and other really techy equipment!!!

Karlee is fearless although last year she went to the top of the swing but still....

The girls in their bling - apparently Brooke is not fond of bling

Proud Dad

Ava's favorite thing to do is get on my bed and mess it all up and get gritty dirt all in it and die laughing when I see her on it!!

Ava loves her little cousin Dawson but apparenlty he makes her tired.

Brooke loved to paint!!

Karlee dressing up as Lazaraus

Ava loving on Dawson again - oh wait he is asleep!!!

Karlee loved we let her put the green icing on her ice cream cone

POWER

My shirt says simply "fight for Julie." I don't know Julie except through her brother and sister in law my good friends Jenn and Steve. But I share this cancer journey with her so I have a connection with her and a lot of other people I know and people I've heard of. When I was at CBH a couple of weeks ago met an awesome young lady that shared her C word journey with me. It is a constant on my mind. So while I was at these amazing falls I opened my suitcase and here was this FightforJulie shirt in the work out pile. But this day I wore it because I was reminded that while this is a constant in our life the grandeur of these falls shows me the power of my God to kick this C word out of here whether on my time table or my way or in this life or the next it does not have the power - so I wear this shirt today in view of the great Thundering Waters as the Native Americans termed these falls in honor of all you out there who fight this battle with me and to all our loved ones who encourage us and provide the love and strength to battle.

AVA

Ava loves her God made "ME!!" song and can say at least one word "ME" and loves hamburgers. She just ate this hamburger cold out of the fridge before Mirm could get it warmed up.

What Cancer Cannot Do

I just got on facebook to check in on my camper I mentioned in the previous post and this is what was her last post on her wall and I needed to read it so I'm sharing it.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the Spirit.

BIG EVENTS OF LAST TWO WEEKS

So today I find out my supposedly final blood work so that I can say I am cancer free has come back INCONCLUSIVE. Now tell me what that means. Apparently it means we do it over again so here we go. Now the magic date is Friday. I'm ready to have the stick of dynamite out although supposedly it just disolves but I'm telling you when you move a certain way you know it is there. Anyway, so hopefully Friday I can officially announce I'm in REMISSION. Apparently you don't get the privledge of saying you are CANCER FREE ever again once you have had it. I guess I'll just have to make my own rules.
Frankly I'm pretty sick of this cancer stuff. This year alone it has affected so many people I love and care about either personally or through their families. Today I just found out one of my junior high campers from last year has a tumor in her throat. I'm sick of it. Today I was listening to a Christian station and heard that DC Talk song In the Light haven't heard it in a long time. One of the lyrics I've never thought about before says the "disease of self runs through my blood like a cancer fatal to my soul" I guess those lyrics hit more home now as I understand the fatality and how rampad cancer is.
Anyway, on to more news:
Last Wednesday was a big day as I put in my notice that I am leaving the lovely BHC otherwise known as Betty Hardwick Center stress center of the world. June 10th at noon cannot get here fast enough. My boss was pretty shocked and thinks its about money even though I tell him its not although the money isn't good but so they are offering me more begging me to stay etc. Have not even posted my job yet. What is the point of telling them early if they are not going to try to hire someone I can help them train. Well I did what I could. I'm not going to let them guilt trip me.
So you ask what am I going to do.
Well I am leaving June 10th to go to Mirm's to help her drive herself and Ava to camp blue haven where I'll spend two weeks with them and my other sister and her three kids. and my good friends Lance and Bicky and Rachel Almanza I'm excited couldn't be a better way to recover from two years of constant crisis. Then I'm going on a trip to Philly and Niagra Falls and whereever else my mom and dad have planned yes you got it right with my parents. For how long you say yes 1 month. Yes the craziness of my clients has rubbed off on me!!!
Then I'm going back to CBH for 6th session.
And then....well....its up in the air but right now looks like I'm going to work more permanently at the accounting firm doing training and soft skills building and maybe some audit private practice on the side who knows...
And one more piece of big news....I put an envelope in the mail this morning complete with the proof I have gotten all my hours for my LPC license!!!!
So the last two weeks have been busy crazy and hectic and wonderful all at the same time (how could spending a week with Ava not be wonderful)
Thankyou all who have supported me through all of the mess the hard times the happier times the crazy time the past couple of years couldn't have done it without you!!!

Faith

I’ve always believed that doubt leads to increased faith. But what happens when that doubt takes over in such a strong way that the faith is choked out. It is similar to the weeds in my back yard that are choking out my grass. You’d think you wouldn’t have to mow weeds but they grow faster than grass and hoeing, pulling, and roundup does not seem to phase them. Ok sorry tangent.
So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about faith and doubt and trust and how all this correlates in the struggle in my life and my friend’s lives and in this world. These are my thoughts/views/what I’m jumbling around in my mind and heart.
I’m not a person that just automatically trusts people and yet I do. There are so many times I put my trust in other people and don’t even think about it. For instance when I’m driving down the road I am going to trust the person in the lane next to me is going to not come crashing into me. While that may be a more superficial trust there is a trust based on relationships. Little kids that are from a healthy family trust their parents with everything they have. You see it when something scares them. They don’t come running to their aunt or a stranger but to their mother. But if their mother is not there and a familiar person (like their aunt) is there then they will go to that person because they trust the familiar and then that builds a trust that that person they ran to will protect them and keep them safe. Trust is based on historical facts, circumstances, events, etc. Once you trust a person you don’t lose trust in them until something happens that makes you doubt that trust.
Faith though seems so different to me. Faith is based upon something that might be or might not be but you choose to believe it is. But yet it is so much bigger than that. Faith is based upon a desire for a relationship. I’ve been reading Hebrews lately and so confused and frustrated. I read Hebrews 11 last night and it was timely. Of course this is well known as the faith chapter but when I read it things just hit home. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” And then it goes on to explain how so many people had faith. Sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I don’t see God. Oh I see nature and people and all these things that a Christian believes God created but that is the faith. I could just as easily have faith in evolution or whatever other path I want.
So the question for me becomes – how does doubt evolve to faith? So when things start not making since and doubt is overwhelming with is this real, is this a game, do we do this to make us feel good to have a way to explain things, do we teach ourselves things to say when things happen so that whatever we have ingrained in our system to believe in will make since? What happens when we start wondering how the Bible really comes together and was Jesus someone that just hacked off the Romans and the Jews who were living in a domination system and they got rid of him. When we start questioning the whys of this life does God have a plan what is that plan etc. what do you do? How do help someone overcome their doubt. Like the man in Mark 9 that begged Jesus, “Help me overcome my unbelief!” What is interesting is in the same sentence the same man that just asked Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief he leads off with “I do believe”. Seems so contradictory but maybe that is where the hope is. That believe that doubt that trust based on what we do see will lead to faith.
Back to the tangent…last year when I moved in I remember thinking the weeds were out of control but as the grass grew in it took over and eventually the weeds were not as apparent. I guess they were still there and sometimes more dominant than the grass – seems how that is what faith and doubt are for me. Who knows maybe one day there will be no weeds.

A Chinese Proverb

The one who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

A friend took the time to type this to me today...

"Trust Me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor. Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to His prompting.
Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from My presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in it's worry-webs. Trust me one day at a time."

(From Sarah Young's-Jesus Calling)

Sometimes I just need to remember trust is one day at a time.

I ain't gonna lie

I ain’t gonna lie
I’m struggling
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m not liking how things are turning out
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m tired of discouraging news
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m sick of fighting the unknown
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m scared
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m dispassionate about almost everything
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m weary of wondering what is coming next
I ain’t gonna lie
I want a family to love
I ain’t gonna lie
I’m not getting the plan
I’m ain’t gonna lie
My heart is heavy and yet empty
But I ain’t gonna lie
I know I am blessed.

True Gift

My friend Steve wrote this song and shared it with me after we both had a couple of rough days.




Steve and Jenn thanks for being there!! I am prying for Julie and for you and maybe I can't work with one of you but maybe the other!!! ha!!

And then there are even other "some days"...

So today has been the best absolute day of my life...can you read the sarcasm?

My current feelings:
lonely (although I have had so many awesome friends offer to come over)
mad
angry
confused
worried
hurt
bitter
hated
frustrated
PO'd
devastated
anxious
did I mention angry
empty
lifeless
that is all that came in that 30 secons so I guess I'll stop...

After a night with no calls I thought I'm loving life until 8:02 am. Although I'll say I was expecting it the call came - I didn't get the job. That is a whole another story and I was over it by noon and while it still sucks well I was over it. Then my friend told me her sister in law was joining the C - word club and that stunk. Then at 5:18 pm and around 5:45 more news I'm not ready to dive into yet. Someone needs to pray.
So I don't know where that peace is or even where God is but that was today. So I'm going to bed so nothing else can happen and then I'm going to San Antonio with Jaime and she always calms me down so tomorrow will be the start of a fun filled 4 1/2 days of no crisis!!! (unless I have one!)

Some days...

Right now I feel like a crybaby. I'm sitting on my couch watching the whole Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso thing unfold and I just can't fight the tears I've been fighting all day anymore. So I didn't get a job I wanted. I mean in the grand scheme of things how big a deal is this. There is so many other devastating heart breaking things happening and fears, concerns, worries and I'm worried about a job I didn't get. But why should I sit here and feel like a crybaby. I'm human I have emotions. And I've learned it is not good for me to not let them flow. I mean its just a part of life but sometimes life stinks. Especially when you are so ready for a break. And I have learned over the years to not bottle these things to get them out but I still fight it.
I am so happy my friend got this job we both applied for and made it to the top. And even on top someone has to get it and someone not. There is even another position but its hard to get your hopes up when they have been dashed. Funny I said I'm at peace and while I am it still hurts. It is not that I'm not qualified I know I am but so are so many others who are just as qualified and frankly we just sometimes get our feelings hurt. I think even the strongest person has those brief moments of questioning themselves and a lapse in self confidence. I'd be lying if I said I haven't had some of those moments today but I also know who I am and that makes a difference.
So I don't know what is going to happen next week. I will say this I've been humbled today because I think I just had in my mind I was getting this. I am so glad my friend got it though because well it makes you feel better because of course she is my friend and who else do you want to get it if not you. And this is going to be so much better for her family and for her and she will be great at it and so I'm learning to let go of my selfishness and know God's plan is perfect. And you know what else this has brought us back together and I've missed our time together so maybe this will change that...
But here is the thing. I try to dictate things and I think God is again showing me it will work out and to just let Him work it out. Another friend sent me a text today "I have confidence that if this doesn't work out it is because God has something more perfect planned for you" so I said back, "My head knows that just wish my heart believed" Her text back "These are the things that build your faith" - How true- after all I have always believed faith is a heart thing. You can't justify faith in your head with critical thinking and analytical skills well at least I can't. That is how Satan attacks me by overanalyzing things. Maybe that is because I'm a feeler but so I guess here we go on another journey of increasing my faith.
Funny after letting the tears flow and just being with God I'm already feeling peace. I tell people all the time in Philipians we are promised peace when we present our requests to God not the answer we want. Well I've presented my request to God and I didn't get the answer I wanted but I'm feeling peace (oh and you can hurt and still have peace I've learned that and it has been an amazing blessing to learn that lesson) and well I am representing my request to God and no matter the answer I know I'll have peace.....

Waking up to....

SNOW and it is so beautiful. This is from about 8:00 AM and its been snowing hard since I love it!!! I'm itching to get out in it but I did just see a guy wipe out in front of the house so...Its refreshing so clean and beautiful and bright and for me a statement of renewal of freshness a break from the darkness of life. For so many yesterday was a dark day. I did not know Jenny personally although I have heard about the Ross family from so many people. I followed Jenny's story through so many of my friends on facebook and on blogs and I saw how she touched people even in her sickness. Reminds me so much of Neal. He still touches my life in the little things - when things get so down and so hard I just think of Neal saying "be joyful" and I can't help but smile. Everything in snow so peaceful and bright for me is a glimpse of Heaven like I said a renewal a refreshment relieve from the darkness of this world!!!

And of course the best thing - No work - well no going into the office and I can handle sitting on my couch catching up on the olympics from the confines of my couch!!

Good News Update

Lymph node biopsy came back negative as in a good negative.

I will have to say there was a slight 5 second freak out when the Dr. said, "Well its possitive" meaning the news was possitive. As my friends the Ellers pointed out I think she watched the Office last night and was messing with me but when she continued to say that the "tests came back negative for cancer" well I'll have to say a couple of tears fell.

Update Numero Dos

Thanks to all of you who have emailed me or texted me or called me. Sorry I'm replying to all instead of responding back individually but...well I'm lazy what can I say. I guess really I'm posting on the blog but if you recall that is what I said I would do; just kidding; see I'm getting better I'm being sarcastic again!!

Yes it true I have a blood clot but its not that big of a deal more a frustration just another thing to deal with. It is in my lungs and we have talked with my pulmonologist in Lubbock and are treating it and the best thing is she is letting me go back on my asthma meds (in fact was pretty upset they had taken me off). Everything else looks good and hopefully we will get lab tests back on the lymph nodes tomorrow. My oxygen levels were back up to 89 from 79 yesterday and about 92 is about as good as it normally gets for me so that is a good sign and I'm breathing better and no longer in pain so everything is looking up. I just get tired really easy which I'm not used to but I guess is expected.

A lot of you have asked what the next step is. Well assuming the lymph nodes come back negative which I am sure they are going to because God knows I'm getting frustrated and don't really want to deal with much more the next step is on the 10th to have another pap smear and blood work to see if there are still high cancer enzymes and to see if there are still abnormal cells. At this point we will determine if the LEEP procedure (what I call the Cervix Freeze) is necessary. Yesterday was the first I heard it may not be necesarry but apparently the Dr. things it really was isolated.

So that is the update.

Some of you have asked what to specifically pray for so here are my top 5:
1) My frustration level is high although I'm trying not to let it get the best of me it just seems like one thing after another
2) The Dr. will only be able to say "Cancer Free"
3) My dear blue haven mentor and friend Jo Dee Kelly who has so bravely fought cancer so many times and now has throat cancer and undergoing treatment. And for that matter all those who have to go through these frustrations.
4) My sister in law who had a seizure as most of you know a few weeks ago has been diagnosed with psuedotumor cerebri and is having a lot of difficulties with that tests etc.
5) The blood clot will unclot quickly. For those of you who know the Boyles kids I've got them praying because I'm supposed to go there this weekend so I'll be all set!!!

So that is the physical update. The mental update is I'm tired of here we go one more thing to deal with. I guess that is life and when I start the woe is me pitty party I am reminded of all those dealing with so much more than me. My battle has been less than five weeks and things are looking good. So many have battled for years or decades and are battling again or are so young and shouldn't have to be battling with this. I wish I were less selfish. I try to remind myself how well taken care of I really am and how blessed I am. Its hard when things don't go the way I want them to go which surprisingly is often maybe that in itself is trying to tell me something. So I'm trying really hard to remember I'm not alone in this or in anything and thank God for the blesses that I do have especially the support and people that shower me constantly with love. Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me and most importantly prayed through this.

So tomorrow the blog is going to read simply "I kicked that cancer" or if not then I know God will see me through it.
I love you all!!

Update

Here is the promised update now that I am finally getting a little energy back. Things seemed to go well. I think I was pretty groggy. I had a crazy crisis morning and didn't have a lot of time to calm down and destress before I got there so he shot me up with some Ativan. Apparently just a small dose has drastic affects on me!!!
Anyway, he got the tumor and said he felt like he cut out all the layers that he could see might have cancerous cells. He also took a biopsy from a couple of lymph nodes. He said my uterus looks good and he saw no other abnormal cells. He seems to think it was an aggressive tumor but it was isolated and that everything will be fine. Will get the results of the biopsy hopefully Tuesday. I'm doing good just watching more TV than I watch in a month because if I read I get drowsy and fall asleep. This is probably from the massive amounts of advil I'm taking but who likes pain lets be real!!
Thanks to all of you who have been thinking and praying for me. I've got wonderful friends here who picked me up; sat with me while I slept; baked or brought me food; spent the night; waited on me hand and foot I mean breakfast was ready when I woke up. I could get used to this!! Ha!! not really I'm too independent. I really do appreciate the great friends and family I have. I'll update when I find out about the biopsy.
Now to watch some more TV....

T Minus 24 hours and counting

Well actually more like 17 hours and I am still calm so that is good. I know I promised updates on here so yes the "procedure" is tomorrow. I have noticed that its the things I can't do anything about that I can handle better than the stupid stuff I get myself into. Imagine that. I'm not saying I'm not just a little bit of anxious but hmmm I think that verse says give that to God and He will provide peace so I am praying for peace no matter what happens. Thanks for all your support and prayers and hopefully my next post will be with Nasty C word Free!!!

The Nasty Word

The past two weeks have just been punch after punch to the gut knocking every ounce of air out of me....
I hate the C word - the C word that also has ancer attached to it.
Oh probably about 22 or 23 years ago I was chilling a summer at Granny's in Tenn. As a very young girl getting dressed with Granny one day I noticed something wierd - Granny only had one boob. So of course at 9 or 10 you ask and then get some explanation about a gel boob you don't understand. It was my first introduction to someone who had cancer (although at the time I didn't know it.) But I do remember after that thinking everytime they announced at church someone had cancer thinking they were with one less boob.
Since then I like probably most of you all could make a list a mile long of people you know who have battled with it. Brave, courageous people some survivors, some still fighting, some losing the battle that came with their humanness but winning the spiritual battle.
There is the lady at camp who was a counselor a teach and a spiritual role model for me someone I've looked up to since the day I met her - she found out this year her battle she has fought so many times is not yet over and she is fighting again.
There is the young daughter of a friend in Abilene fighting leukemia with laughter and bravery and childlike innocence.
There is my granny who never let being one boob down keep her from loving her husband, her kids, her grandkids, and being an amazing woman of God.
There is my counselor at camp and friend that her mother fought a long hard battle and while I did not know her I see her through her daughter and I know the valeant fight she fought before she went home because she never lost her focus on what was important.
There is the mentor at church growing up that I hear one day at college has a brain tumor that at a very young age and with young children fought through it all and I never saw anything but a smile on her face.
There are the aunts of my dear friend Meredith that so many prayers went up for and both have left a legacy behind on this earth.
And the list goes on and on and on....
Oh and there is my friend's dad who has just started his own fight and had to spend Christmas in the hospital.
And that same friend is helping (along with so many others) through my fight.
So I know it is my good friends who read this and will hear through the grapevine from my sisters and other friends and so I don't know how else to be the first one to tell you except through here.
Cervical cancer is treatable and nothing to worry about yet its still a punch in the gut. There is still the anticipation of the results from tests, the tests, the abnormal instruments in your body, the waiting, the wierd feelings of not knowing if the way your body is responding and the pains are normal or something is wrong, the crying, the bottling up, the I have to be strong, the private melt downs, etc. etc. etc....So there it is. So I no longer just feel for those that have been pierced with this arrow from Satan but feel with them.
Am I mad - yes, Am I frustrated - yes, Do I know how to handle this - no, Do I know if I can get through this - not alone, Do I know God is bigger than this - yes that is the hope I have to cling to.
So no more phone calls or texts why I didn't tell you....I will point you to the blog!! ha!!
Oh and so much for 2010 resolutions - oh no wait writing more was one of those resolutions - see I am making it!!

Resolutions and Goals

Since I've already said that this year my resolution to stay perfect which has been my resolution for as long as I can remember won't work I guess I need to make some resolutions. Actually, I've made them but I was reading some therapy books (yes I'm a dork) and something kept hitting me over and over - Go Public get accountability to succeed. So here we go.
Although in my mind there is a difference in goals and resolutions and I have some goals and some resolutions. The goals are things I want to do want to happy but depends on some stuff and other people etc. Resolutions are things up to me; where I need accountability; where I need to start being honest with myself etc. I could be the new webster dictionary with those definitions huh?
So here are some of my goals:
1) NEW JOB - this gets all caps and is probably essential to my happiness and wellbeing in 2010 but I just try to keep perspective and keep Philipians 4:6 and 7 in mind and find a job that does not have ON CALL!!!
2) Get Karlee to Abilene to feed the giraffes - she has begged enough
3) Go see my friend at Ole Miss and of course stop by and see Ava and maybe some other friends in Little Rock and Memphis; after all Lori has been to Abilene twice I can make it to Oxford
4) Write more especially when stuff comes pouring through my head and I think oh I'll remember that tomorrow and of course its never the same; it is ridiculous to think I have not written anything in over a year
5) Paint my bedroom
6) Paint my bathroom (separate from the bedroom because the bathroom might actually happen
7) Get some decent curtains for the living room
8) Read more and watch less TV - a goal because I don't watch a lot of TV but DVR has probably doubled the amount I do watch so I want to get it under control before it has to move to the resolution side...
On the resolution side:
1) pray/be in the word/make this a priority
2) Exercise/lose weight/eat healthy and all that encompasses
3) Make wise decisions and all that encompases especially when I know from the past when the decisions is not wise
So lots of goals and 3 resolutions and yet its the resolutions that will be hard and yet will be the easy ones to forget about or just give up on. But now they are in written form and so I'm in new territory but I'm determined that this time next year I will be reflecting how these resolutions have helped me grow as a person...

Happy New Year!!!

HELLO 2010

It is 2010 and I did not make it to even 10:30 to see Dick Clark dropping the ball which I hear is a good thing. Poor Dick Clark...

I went to bed early trying to grab some sleep knowing the drunks would get suicidal about 1:30 am and I would be out all night but it seems that just the people in jail got suicidal last night so miraculously not the worse on call night ever. Hopefully today people will be making resolutions and on call won't be bad.

2009 was one of the hardest years I've been through in some ways but also full of happy and fun memories. Here is what's on the top of the list:

I was so excited to get to go back to 6th session camp I took a 3 year old that still poops in her panties to Camp with me for two weeks - oh did I mention she was really good and it was fun and I would take her again. I think she had a good time too since Karlee still talks about it. I gave her a camera and my mom took her very random and non professional pictures of mostly the back of people's head and feet and put them in an album for her and gave her at Christmas and she just started talking non stop about Boo Haven and her new friends and her camera (which she broke) I think she had fun...

Then there was a wedding so now I am officially the single one left so I guess my dad's announcements at church to find me a man won't stop but I have a pretty cool sister in law that even braved coming to Abilene for Thanksgiving. Wait that is nothing she puts up with my brother!!!

Then of course there is the new baby Ava and the announcement of another baby to come in 2010. And that trip to Little Rock in July to see Ava and then that week long trip to Gatlinburg with Ava and her mommy that she'll never remember but I'll never forget. This orange outfit is my favorite outfit she has and the poor girl is allergic to milk and unlike me she can't just pop some allergy medicine and continue to drink it but she has managed to get much much bigger than in this picture from July. I don't think the orange dress will fit anymore!! Oh and this picture makes me realize I really do need a haircut...

And then there were all the reunions. From Nitro Nancy Trinh coming to Abilene in September and to finally after over a year getting to spend time with Lori last week (see Lori Abilene isn't so horribly bad and I promise next time I'll come to Oxford or whereever you are at with your man friend) ha!! and then the college reunion girl's trip to Colorado with Kitchy, Becky, and C.Jaye. It was all great fun.

And then to top it all off - there was a white Christmas and it was actually a very good time at home.

So another year gone and a new year here and who knows maybe a resolution list will show tomorrow or later today (depending on the pager) or maybe not resolutions so much as just how I know 2010 will be great!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!