For 32 years and 8 months to the date the word Cancer was a word I never liked and my heart would ache when I heard of its attack on a person I knew or a friend of a loved one. I was one of those friends that cared so much but didn't really know what to say or do because I didn't understand the roller coaster, the frustration, the invasion upon any kind of routine, the endless range of emotions. I'd offer my feeble I'm so sorry and maybe mutter an I'm praying for you and your family and I would go on with my life. It might or might not come up in a conversation but it sure wasn't the Queen of my life. That all changed on December 30, 2009. No longer was it just a word some people dealt with it became my reality. I don't fleetingly think about it anymore its constantly on my mind. I don't just if I remember mumble a prayer I cry out I scream I'm begging...
The thing you can't understand and is so hard to explain is the ups and downs and the fears and guilt and the what ifs and the whys and the if onlys and the well I could go on and on.
It is hard for me because it is hard for me to express and share my emotions and deepest thoughts thanks to what we counselors call the great FOO (family of origin). Don't take that wrong I'm not blaming my family it is just harder for me to go out of that comfort zone but I also know not going out of it is unhealthy.
Lately one of the hardest things (other than sheer frustration in it seeming that there is one mess and complication or delay after another) is the immense amount of guilt at the feelings and questions I do have. I am so blessed. But my thoughts are consumed with the selfishness of why me and yet the guilt of knowing why not me. And the questions - how does this all work and why. And they feel so silly at times because my faith is supposed to be greater than the thoughts of things like is this just a big lottery system or why can't I just have one thing I really want oh wait I am blessed. Thoughts like I would give up everything I do have just to have something that I want more.
So here is what cancer does - it is an invasive attacking mess that wipes you out physically, drains you emotionally, and challenges you spiritually. And then friends come in and build a little bit of that up pieces at a time. My life will never be the same and I don't know if I'll ever understand it but I keep waking up and I keep walking so here we go...
