It is with a lot of anxiety and reluctance that I am starting this blog back up. Perhaps, it is because I have one goal in mind. Writing has always been a way for me to release internalized feelings, to organize my thoughts, a path almost to a form of freedom. But what I share is limited and even then difficult. I’m human and so that sense of paranoia envelopes me at the thought of others reading my innermost thoughts and feelings but at the same time I in waves crave the feedback. So sometimes I have written serious posts and sometimes silly or informative ones and I’m well aware all with horrible grammar and punctuation but wouldn’t you just want to imagine you are having a life conversation with me? Why write different than I talk?
Anyway, we all go through seasons in our lives. I have several and they all seem like a never ending cycle. Like the weight loss contest I’m currently in. I’ll lose some weight eat healthier exercise and probably be back to burger and fries in no time (hopefully not but this is the season the cycle). Cancer is like this. You fight it with all you have it is gone then it comes back and you fight it again all in the hope of breaking the cycle with a minute awareness hanging over your head that the cycle can only be broken by death because of fear ingrained in the cycle. I talk all the time with my clients about the cycles of emotions – the ups and downs and how to stop the spiraling when it seems so out of control only to start another season up again after what seems so often such a short a refreshing break. For me faith is like this.
Part of my declination in opening up about the seasons of doubt that all too often invades my soul is because I feel it shouldn’t be this way. We all have mentors rather in our professional field or spiritual or just good people and we all too often put them on a pedestal. It is good to have mentors and people we look up to. The problem comes when I come to belief my feelings and thoughts are isolated because no one around me seems to have these struggles. I was born on a Saturday (I looked it up) and I guarantee you I was in church the next Wednesday night only because I was still in the hospital the first Sunday after I was born. We didn’t miss for anything. I was in Bible bowls and LTC in high school, went to church camp, went to college at a Christian school all the things that would predict I shouldn’t struggle with faith. I’ve been surrounded by it since day one. But I’m slowly coming to realize I’m not the only one. Others with my similar background have the same struggle. It is freeing. And maybe the most freeing thing is when I read the story of Abraham in Genesis and Abraham laughed at God when he told him Sarah was going to have a son. Oh yes we all know Sarah laughed but read Genesis 17:17. And yet earlier God credited his faith as righteousness. Abraham is in the great chapter of faith in Hebrews but his action didn’t always speak towards faith. I just recently read Job and read with a new perspective the questioning – intense, raw, and emotional. And Thomas doubted we all know that but what was Peter’s doubt walking on water?
So maybe I feel like I’m not supposed to have these seasons of doubt but maybe just maybe this is just a normal part of being human for me. And just maybe just maybe all these stories are a direction towards faith towards encouragement. And just maybe just maybe I’m not alone.
I’ve had a couple of friends who have seen my frustrations and pain of this struggle and they have encouraged me over and over to write and I over and over have refused. But it has been strong on my heart lately. So I don’t know what this is going to look like. But I have a lot of thoughts constantly swirling in my mind and I’m going to try and organize them into this blog. Paul shared his struggles with the Corinthians as a form of encouragement that God’s grace is enough. That His power is made perfect in weakness. I know I will benefit from this and maybe just someone is encouraged and uplifted.
