Powerless

Some of you know I am helping lead a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I have personally always struggled getting past step 1 but thought this time ok I'm serious. Well the more we have read step one the more I am hung up again so I thought I'd might as well ramble about it on hear. Seriously, I would like your comments though because this is also something that I know holds up some of my clients. I'll try my best to organize my thoughts to make sense:
1st tonight a good friend looked up some definitions for me:
Powerless - lacking strength or power; helpless; ineffectual
Power - the ability or capacity to act or perform effectively; strength or force exerted or capable of being exerted; might; the ability to exercise control; authority
Power (according to my shame book I love by Brene Brown)- access to choice and the ability to effect change; to explore and create options
Ok - here is my problem step one of the 12 steps says:
We admiteted we were POWERLESS over OUR ADDICTION, hurts, habits, or hangups (whatever goes here for you) - that our lives have become unmanageable.
In Celebrate Recovery Principle 1 is:
Realize I'm not God (or your higher power) and that I am POWERLESS to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable.

Now I'll be the first to admit about sometimes my life being unmanageable but I have a HUGE OLE problem with saying I am powerless because I don't believe I am. I have never gotten past step one because of this. I strongly believe the we have free will and have the power within us to control our decisions and actions. Now whether we use that power to make bad decisions and to stay in our addictions or to change is up to us. For you counseling types insert Prochaska's stages of change here but I won't go into that. Now for Christians I know you insert in here, "we don't have the power but God does" Well don't get me wrong God may be powerful but didn't he give us free will to choose. Is that not the premise of Christianity that we have free will and yet we choose to sin thus we need a bridge to be clean again before God yet we have the power to make that decision God does not decide that for us. So Christian or not I just struggle getting past this. For instance just one of my many addictions overeating - ok you put a bowl of queso in front of me and some chips and you think I have control to say no I'm not going to eat any? Guess what ABSOLUTELY!!! but often I CHOOSE to eat whatever I want whether I need to or not. Now because of my addictions and hurts I may feel powerless like I don't have control but I sit in counseling session after counseling session offering clients hope that they DO have control that they can decide to make their own decisions. Now again for Christians I am not saying that having a relationship with God cannot help things and refocus us on striving for a sinless life so to speak but I still think that within us that is our choice.

Ok - I'll stop I don't know if this is very clear but I would like to see what some of you out there especially you Tesney think about all this!!!

The Ups and Downs of This Week

I love roller coasters that is probably an understatement. I love the slow climb to the top and then the free fall with the wind blowing my contacts dry and the jerking and arms in the air everything I love it but this week I found out what an emotional rollercoaster was like and I can't say I'm a fan.

It all started out when Steve called me Sunday and was sick and wouldn't be able to lead Celebrate Recovery (see favorites for more info on this). I agreed to do the talk forgetting how much I'm not a fan of standing up in front of others talking but it went well and hopefully the attendees have a place of safety to find support. I won't go into all the emotions CR brings up in my personal life but just summarize that that is an emotional roller coaster with in a big one.

Then stressful day on Monday with clients which I won't expand on and a project due in class. We get it done and Tuesday was a slow climb to the top and the beggining of the free fall and it was busy but good. Wednesday started out good screaming as the end was in sight but soon the jerking began and man between all of us class mates needing a break and a rather emotional tense hard session I was barreling out of control. Things got better Thursday and Friday as I met friends for coffee, lunch, and just relaxed and had fun and somehow my clients all figured out to cancel because I needed a break!!! But there was even some drama thrown in there Thursday afternoon with my externship and a trip to the doctor well that is all I have to say about that. But then finally last night the week screeched to a happy halt as a bunch of us gathered and watched Elf a great funny Christmas movie (well I could personally do without the last 10 minutes or so but the rest is hilarious)!!! One thing I was reminded of is the treasure of the people in this program and the friends and support that I have. Here are some pictures from last night and something I wrote that pretty much sums up the difficult sessions of the week....

Sometimes this is what I scream up when I feel inadequate trying to offer clients a glimmer of hope:

Do you look down and see my inadequacies?
When I don't know what to say
Or where to go
When a soul sits in front of me
Crying out for help
And I have no answers
My offering of hope seems so shallow
Do you see me?
Do you?
Do you hear my babblings?
My searching for questions to ask to pass the time
because I don't know what to say or to do-
I don't know what wisdom to impart
Do you feel the ache in my heart?
Are you the one that allows the tears to well up
As part of me empathizes and feels for the hurting and oppressed
While another part of me sees how you have so blessed me.
How do I relate?
How do I sit in their presence?
Where will I find wisdom?
Do I have the strenght to hold it together?
The patience to be patient?
How do I offer hope?
Is there even hope?

My Fabulous Social Research Class

Well thank goodness this semester is almost over because to be frank it hasn't been my absolute favorite as far as classes go but there is one class that tops them all: SOCIAL RESEARCH. Now I tried to have a good attitude about a research class but from day one it just was not happening but not it has digressed to lists and writings about a "Day in the Life of a Social Research MFT Student" as follows:

Once again I stroll into the old people classroom
Another day of lecture in the gerentology world
Intermixed with the random acronyms and quotes from the prof
I wonder if CPA will be randomly defined again
Or if it will still stand for "cut and paste artist"

At least today social research is about marriage
And not how to do surveys on horses
But I will have to say I laugh more about the horse training seminars
Of course we also eagerly await the rants and raves on Highland
Or another story of "My momma's fried chicken"
Maybe one day ACU will let our prof tell that story again in chapel

Who will he pick on today
Lucky for me my time seems to be over and he knows my name
Not so for all of my classmates
But after all he does need to learn all our names

We all sit and have a dead stare on our face
All that is except the couple of students who are in tune
Soon the finders find the keys on the cell phone
With a goal of discovering whose ringer is still on
But in reality texting is all that keeps us sane.

I glance at the clock for the 100th time
ONLY 9:37 - a whole another hour to go
How time barely floats along
But bro is making headway on that class Christmas list
At least we'll have a laugh later.

Oh wait now we have a class participation exercise
Maybe this will make at least 10 minutes go faster
After some random folds and tears
We can now put mass production of paper butterflies on our resumes.

We can't be going much longer
I've already read, well skimmed, the chapters for next week
I am so unbelievably bored
But I guess this is just another typical day
In wonderful Social Research Class.

(Only two more days of class to go!!!!)

Out of My Comfort Zone

So this morning I did the talk to begin class in my cultural diversity class (yes I like to say my professor conned me into this but....). For those of you who know me well you are probably well aware that this is at a very minimum out of my comfort zone and will be even more shocked that I actually shared something I had written a couple of years ago. Frankly I couldn't come up with anything else I could bear to do at 8 AM so.....I love to write but don't have a lot of confidence in it sometimes but the more I see clients and realize how hard a time of year the holidays can be for others even though I love Christmas the more this thing I title the "The Refugee's Decision" resonates. Anyway, I think often I get caught up in my family and how we all love Christmas and our excitement especially this year with Karlee being old enough to entertain us with ripping into packages instead of sitting there starring at them and I forget the hurt out there. I forget how those who have lost dears one feel, those who have bad memories of family, those with troubled finances, those in abusive situations that wonder where the joy is. I was even more reminded of the hurt in this world this past weekend when my friend from Austin called and told me about a California congressman's daughter she had befriended that died this past weekend at the age of 33. I won't go into details but I know there is a lot of guilt and hurt in that situation and I know they are not alone. Anyway, so I am going way out of my comfort zone and sharing this. The good thing is there can be a happy ending. My goal is with my clients to reach out and give them hope for a joyful time and I hope that for those you know hurting you can do the same...

The Refugee’s Decision


I wade into life as if I were in the ocean
With the peaceful waters lapping around my ankles
Softly cleaning the sandy grime covering me
I make my head believe how good life is
I pretend in my heart how invinsible I am

I pursue the waves further out
Crashing at my thighs and churning at my calves
As reality starts thrashing my soul
My heart experiencing the vulnerability and pain

But I am arrogant and strong
And I continue to plunge into the massive ocean
Craving the attention of the white pillow tops
Wanting to bury myself – to bury my inmost being
Where there is no wrath but a peaceful tranquility

But as I begin to trudge deeper and deeper in
The waves get bigger - the hurt goes deeper
They pull me under and clench my breath
As they begin to suck the air out of me

I fight to resurface through just enough of the ache
If only just for a short grasp of air
But the gulps are few and far apart and life becomes tender
The current pulls me further under into the deep deep secrets of my life
That I’ve allowed to toss me about as if a piece of driftwood

I feel trapped with nowhere to turn
Fighting a monster that has no end
One that lashes me continuously
Pulling me further away from air and hope


I’m a helpless refugee in the middle of the ocean of life with no ship in sight.


After minutes that seem like years
I’ve become comfortable in my state
And the thought of a rescue
Is now beyond my desire or grasp of reality

However on the horizon one draws close
I begin to thrash wildly to attract attention
But as the liberator comes closer
The comfort zone I’ve adapted takes over
And I go back to pursuing one breath at a time.

I slowly sink back into the depths alone;
a helpless refugee not wanting life.

Raft after raft, ship after ship,
Champion after champion
Yet I hide from fear
Taunted by the enemy
That has me in his grasp.

Yet longing in my heart for someone stronger
To pull me back to shallow ground
Away from the haunt of my fear
But I’m too scared of the inevitable wounds
So my mind is convincing my heart to accept my plight

As survival is drained from my being I give up and give myself to my adversary.

Then one comes along that won’t let me stay behind
Not looking for me but bumping into me
On a path only God could direct.
I feel the grasp on my hand and the gentle tugs
But I fear exposure out of what has become my comfort zone

But the liberator doesn’t give up but pulls harder
Exposing weaknesses I never dreamed of letting surface
She wraps her liferope around my waste
And slowly begins lifting me out of the mire

I continue to resist as deeply buried wounds are exposed
But she keeps heaving me out of the past
Heaving the hurt to the surface
Begging me to hand them over to the savior
The only one who can heal me from this filth

What will I do? Will I let go?

Will I elect the comfort of the fear in my heart
Or will I let these white caps bury the pain here
Spiraling me to the freedom I so long for?
Will I leave this muck that has become my home?

After an invigorating internal struggle
Giving up fades from my thoughts
I’m reenergized with strength and meekness
Humbly I reach out and let my pride slip away

I emerge from the torment cleansed
Enveloping my new life of freedom
Soul in soul with my savior
Now on the path to home.