Here we go again

Well another loss this weekend I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this suicide thing. And I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but sometimes you feel like there was something you could have done - so I guess that makes it harder because this one has been hard. I told myself yesterday it was from the lack of sleep from being up ALL night Saturday dealing with one crisis after another but after a late afternoon knap and a full night's sleep I don't feel any better about it. I guess really deep down I'm not cut out for this.

One thing I will say is my church group is so supportive. One person knew what happened and soon the whole class was supportive. That is why I stay in Abilene - this amazing support.

People say they don't understand what makes a person comtemplate and consider suicide and then act on it. I hope they never have to understand. I understand at least from one facit and I know there are many circumstances and thoughts and processes that can get you there. People argue if it is situational, medical, genetic, drug induced, etc. I think usually its a combination of a multitude of factors. Some are against helping with short term things like meds and hospitalizations and say well they are just going to do it one day. Maybe this is true in some sence but I also know that help can help. It is horrible being at that place; without hope feeling like everything is going to cave in and there is nothing you can do. Yes its true we often make decisions to get ourselves there but once there it is horrible. I could have done things differently and perhaps helped some people this year get help. Would it have helped? I don't know - I hope it would have - but I live with that. I can't help it I live with it. I wouldn't call it guilt just facts that one decision might have had a different outcome. I guess all things in life are like that just one decision could have changed the course.

We were in a suicide prevention training last week and the question was asked of numerous case managers how many client's have you lost. These people have all been here a while - a lot longer than me and most have not lost anybody or only one, two at the most. It makes you question your decision making. It just does. I have been assured that I make wise decisions and am good and that it is because I'm seeing people in crisis. The guy that I partner with has had zero and he has been here a long time. Some say I can handle it emotionally - maybe that is why you are getting to read this on here because this is my emotional outlet. I don't know.

I guess tomorrow is a different day but lately accounting has been looking awfully good.
So that is where I am at.