Well another night of laying in bed dreaming of happy sleep that isn't happening so the topic of my thoughts tonight is "the other side." I was just thinking how in the clinic so often we see marital issues brought about by affairs and how I think we gravitate to the one who was affaired upon but, and not saying the affair is right, but I wander if we think about the affairer's feelings and how again not saying it is right but they are caught up into a mess so this is what I imagine some of them to be:
A Relationship
Without you I'm in turmoil
With you it is at least a peaceful turmoil
Without you I wake up at night lonely and restless
But with you your arms cradled around me fill that emptiness
At least in that moment
But I live moment to moment
Without you the viper coils around me
But with you he snares his fangs into my being
Deeper each time so I can't pull them out
I promise myself only one more time
Only one more moment
But that turns into a thousand more moments
And the pleasure is so real
Without you I walk the edge
With you I tumble hopelessly down the mountain
Without you the cuts and bruises from the fall are unbearable
But With you they are soothed and bandaged
Without you I wander what she would think or do
With you I don't care
Without you I wander how I will make it through
With you my heart soars for another day
How can something so good
Be oh so wrong?
And yet I long for a thousand more moments
How will this ever end?
4 comments:
I could replace the affairer relationship with an addict relationship and hear, see, and feel the same emotions and turmoil you described.
I think the addiction perspective of an affair is what makes it so destructive and unexplainable. For a married person having an affair they are giving something to someone else that is not theirs to give. As they continue to stay in the adulterous relationship, they either withdraw more from their legitimate family and become seduced by the addiction, or they are professional infidels and are lying to everyone involved.
For the unmarried affairer, he/she is a thief...stealing something more precious than any material possession from a family. The person who is cheated on is stripped of respect, a sense of trust (in others and in self), security, and he or she loses everything they believed to be true. Essentially, the affairer walks into this person's home and steals everything, strips the walls, cleans out every drawer, even the sentimental pictures that no one usually takes. This person comes home to find they no longer have a home. This person comes home to find they may never feel safe in any home again.
I'm not saying the affair partners don't have a side...a valid side, full of joy, pain, passion, and all sorts of emotion. These situations are never simple. I think for the affairers to know they are thieves, adds to the guilt, but doesn't necessarily lead to change. As humans, we are very selfish. It is extremely difficult to deny ourselves something (especially something we cling to and depend upon) for the "greater good" or for someone else we don't know. However, denying ourselves is exactly the only thing that can save us from the fangs of the vipor.
What the married affairer loses in breaking off an affair is his or her outlet and they have to decide whether they will face the internal and external issues that led to the infidelity. He or she does still have someone to go home to, someone to hold and/or talk to.
Unfortunately, the unmarried affair partner loses much more. When the affair is over, he or she is left feeling alone, neglected, unloveable, unchosen, guilty, empty, and stupid. As a robber, he or she gets home with the bag of lute and realizes he/she is holding a huge bag of trash, full of crap that only meant something to the original owner.
I want to say one more thing for the spouse of the affairer. Someone I am very close to found out his partner of several years was having an affair. He went through a period of immense pain. He shared with me that he felt like he had been raped. That image has stuck with me.
I'm quite sure his wife and the affair partner never thought they would be discovered or that they were essentially robbing or raping someone else. If they did think about what they were doing, they still acted out of their own selfish desires.
I am genuinely empathetic and sympathetic with the unmarried affairer in particular. The fire he or she is playing with eventually consumes him/her and leaves devastating burns.
The good news is, there is healing. Healing begins after the affair ends. Once the wound is no longer ripped open, it will heal and make the person stronger. It will leave a scar, but scars build character and make a person more interesting anyway.
hey, i just read your blog and got caught up on you a bit. what an interesting career change! no wonder the bible talks so much about self-sacrifice and becoming a new creation. left to our selves even in a good marriage--an affair has a lot to offer for the self or individual--however it is murderous to a family, a union, and a marriage. kari
Hey, I'm realizing I didn't appropriately respond to your original post. You were pondering whether or not as therapists we consider the feelings, motives, etc. of all the involved parties.
As a therapist, it isn't my place to judge, but to help them work through the issues that brought them to therapy...and hopefully, help them to help themselves. Everybody is affected by an affair. My concern would be for the one sitting in front of me. Whichever that one would be.
Later gator,
Ge
OK, I'm just catching up on your last three posts and I realized I never responded to the powerless post. I feel bad about that since you called me out on your blog. :) I'm going to bed now and my brain is fried or I would respond. I'll email you. What is your email, by the way? Is it the same one I've had for years? I'll try it and see...
Post a Comment