I'm Angry

Today I’m Angry

Kubler-Ross says there are five stages of grief. Denial, depression, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. These stages aren’t linear and often a stage is revisited many times. Today I’m angry.

What do I have to grief? It is not that easy – more what like what have I lost, what do I feel is gone or more realistically what am I trying to get over. I don’t know if anything makes since anymore. I know my heart hurts though. There are so many things we lose throughout our life but I think this is more about the me I’ve given up. The me that I’ve said I don’t want to live anymore. The me I keep bringing back to live even though that me is no more. I guess that is the denial – living like that me is still alive and well. I guess maybe sometimes it seems its alive but its not well. But then I ask am I even well.

So today I’m angry. Angry because I’m tired of being void of joy. Angry because life stinks. Angry because I’m tired of my heart hurting and me not understanding why and no matter what I do the laughter is shallow and fake and the hurt resurfaces even more intense than before. Hurt, depression, call it what you want.

Today I’m angry – because I know it will be back. And worse than yesterday. I pray earnestly it won’t but it comes anyway.

Today I’m angry because God isn’t answering my prayers the way I want them answered.

Today I’m angry because I don’t have someone to come home to that will hold me and tell me it is going to be ok.

Today I’m angry because I have friends that are hurting and I don’t know how to help them.

Today I’m angry because the me that is no more sometimes seemed easier, happier, less hurt, less frustration, less effort in trying not to control everything even though that me did control everything (whether in a good way or not).

Today I’m angry because no one understands; I don’t understand. I’m tired of trying to explain it; I’m tired of trying to figure it out myself.

Today I’m angry because it hurts to heal. And sometimes it never heals.

And just to make me laugh today I’m angry I didn’t see my friend wheeled around the ER in a neck brace.

Today I’m just angry.

Sweet Ava

A few weeks ago I drove way too many hours with the parentals, Mirm, and sweet Ava in the car all the way to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Mom's great family reunion was not even that bad. Ava is so sweet and precious and I loved getting to spend a whole week with her. Oh and yeah myother sister yep another baby on the way. I'm getting good at this aunt thing!!!

Oh and my dad has this song he sings about the bar....well we soon figured it out the bar is really bears and well we came through for him we saw a bear in this tree and then two cubs off the road. The one off the road the ranger started quoting laws at us that I'm pretty sure are not laws...whoever heard of the law you have to be 100 yards away from the bear. Considering these were two cubs and the momma was I'm sure around somewhere I am not sure 100 yards is far enough away!!!I love Ava in her baby Bjorn she is so cute!!

And I love this hat on her!!

Weekend with Nancy

Several several as in like 2 months ago my friend Nancy from Austin came and visited. She's one of the few Ernst & Young friends still actually in Austin - funny how spread out we are all now. She kept telling me she wanted to see Abilene and I kept telling her that would take all of about 20 minutes (which I think it took about 18). Somehow we ended up in Buffalo Gap and found a couple of forms of entertainment including the giant Armadillo at Perenis. At least I found somewhere to take my parents next time they come. I am pretty convinced that they could spend an hour in the old town chapel in Buffalo Gap it took us 3 minutes to walk through!! It was good to see you Nancy and come back!!! Ha!!!

Exhaustion

So all I've been looking forward to for a week now is a night without worry that the pager or work phone will go off. And now that that night is upon me I am so exhausted I can't sleep. My mind is just racing. There is just too much hurt in the world too much pain and my pain meter has overflowed.
Its funny we are pretty good at taking care of others or at least trying and some of us are really good at taking care of others. I'm really good at trying. So why don't we know how to take care of ourselves? Why am I so overwhelmed to the point of breaking and don't know what to do. And you think it has to end right? So you convince yourself (that good ole CBT therapy) that tomorrow will be better and so when there is more pain and suffering tomorrow it just adds to your pain meter as you try to care for the suffering and the cycle starts all over again.
So how do we learn to let go of it and let God take it before it kills us?
That is what is exhausting me tonight....