Right now I feel like a crybaby. I'm sitting on my couch watching the whole Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso thing unfold and I just can't fight the tears I've been fighting all day anymore. So I didn't get a job I wanted. I mean in the grand scheme of things how big a deal is this. There is so many other devastating heart breaking things happening and fears, concerns, worries and I'm worried about a job I didn't get. But why should I sit here and feel like a crybaby. I'm human I have emotions. And I've learned it is not good for me to not let them flow. I mean its just a part of life but sometimes life stinks. Especially when you are so ready for a break. And I have learned over the years to not bottle these things to get them out but I still fight it.
I am so happy my friend got this job we both applied for and made it to the top. And even on top someone has to get it and someone not. There is even another position but its hard to get your hopes up when they have been dashed. Funny I said I'm at peace and while I am it still hurts. It is not that I'm not qualified I know I am but so are so many others who are just as qualified and frankly we just sometimes get our feelings hurt. I think even the strongest person has those brief moments of questioning themselves and a lapse in self confidence. I'd be lying if I said I haven't had some of those moments today but I also know who I am and that makes a difference.
So I don't know what is going to happen next week. I will say this I've been humbled today because I think I just had in my mind I was getting this. I am so glad my friend got it though because well it makes you feel better because of course she is my friend and who else do you want to get it if not you. And this is going to be so much better for her family and for her and she will be great at it and so I'm learning to let go of my selfishness and know God's plan is perfect. And you know what else this has brought us back together and I've missed our time together so maybe this will change that...
But here is the thing. I try to dictate things and I think God is again showing me it will work out and to just let Him work it out. Another friend sent me a text today "I have confidence that if this doesn't work out it is because God has something more perfect planned for you" so I said back, "My head knows that just wish my heart believed" Her text back "These are the things that build your faith" - How true- after all I have always believed faith is a heart thing. You can't justify faith in your head with critical thinking and analytical skills well at least I can't. That is how Satan attacks me by overanalyzing things. Maybe that is because I'm a feeler but so I guess here we go on another journey of increasing my faith.
Funny after letting the tears flow and just being with God I'm already feeling peace. I tell people all the time in Philipians we are promised peace when we present our requests to God not the answer we want. Well I've presented my request to God and I didn't get the answer I wanted but I'm feeling peace (oh and you can hurt and still have peace I've learned that and it has been an amazing blessing to learn that lesson) and well I am representing my request to God and no matter the answer I know I'll have peace.....
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Waking up to....
SNOW and it is so beautiful. This is from about 8:00 AM and its been snowing hard since I love it!!! I'm itching to get out in it but I did just see a guy wipe out in front of the house so...Its refreshing so clean and beautiful and bright and for me a statement of renewal of freshness a break from the darkness of life. For so many yesterday was a dark day. I did not know Jenny personally although I have heard about the Ross family from so many people. I followed Jenny's story th
rough so many of my friends on facebook and on blogs and I saw how she touched people even in her sickness. Reminds me so much of Neal. He still touches my life in the little things - when things get so down and so hard I just think of Neal saying "be joyful" and I can't help but smile. Everything in snow so peaceful and bright for me is a glimpse of Heaven like I said a renewal a refreshment relieve from the darkness of this world!!!And of course the best thing - No work - well no going into the office and I can handle sitting on my couch catching up on the olympics from the confines of my couch!! 
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Good News Update
Lymph node biopsy came back negative as in a good negative.
I will have to say there was a slight 5 second freak out when the Dr. said, "Well its possitive" meaning the news was possitive. As my friends the Ellers pointed out I think she watched the Office last night and was messing with me but when she continued to say that the "tests came back negative for cancer" well I'll have to say a couple of tears fell.
I will have to say there was a slight 5 second freak out when the Dr. said, "Well its possitive" meaning the news was possitive. As my friends the Ellers pointed out I think she watched the Office last night and was messing with me but when she continued to say that the "tests came back negative for cancer" well I'll have to say a couple of tears fell.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Update Numero Dos
Thanks to all of you who have emailed me or texted me or called me. Sorry I'm replying to all instead of responding back individually but...well I'm lazy what can I say. I guess really I'm posting on the blog but if you recall that is what I said I would do; just kidding; see I'm getting better I'm being sarcastic again!!
Yes it true I have a blood clot but its not that big of a deal more a frustration just another thing to deal with. It is in my lungs and we have talked with my pulmonologist in Lubbock and are treating it and the best thing is she is letting me go back on my asthma meds (in fact was pretty upset they had taken me off). Everything else looks good and hopefully we will get lab tests back on the lymph nodes tomorrow. My oxygen levels were back up to 89 from 79 yesterday and about 92 is about as good as it normally gets for me so that is a good sign and I'm breathing better and no longer in pain so everything is looking up. I just get tired really easy which I'm not used to but I guess is expected.
A lot of you have asked what the next step is. Well assuming the lymph nodes come back negative which I am sure they are going to because God knows I'm getting frustrated and don't really want to deal with much more the next step is on the 10th to have another pap smear and blood work to see if there are still high cancer enzymes and to see if there are still abnormal cells. At this point we will determine if the LEEP procedure (what I call the Cervix Freeze) is necessary. Yesterday was the first I heard it may not be necesarry but apparently the Dr. things it really was isolated.
So that is the update.
Some of you have asked what to specifically pray for so here are my top 5:
1) My frustration level is high although I'm trying not to let it get the best of me it just seems like one thing after another
2) The Dr. will only be able to say "Cancer Free"
3) My dear blue haven mentor and friend Jo Dee Kelly who has so bravely fought cancer so many times and now has throat cancer and undergoing treatment. And for that matter all those who have to go through these frustrations.
4) My sister in law who had a seizure as most of you know a few weeks ago has been diagnosed with psuedotumor cerebri and is having a lot of difficulties with that tests etc.
5) The blood clot will unclot quickly. For those of you who know the Boyles kids I've got them praying because I'm supposed to go there this weekend so I'll be all set!!!
So that is the physical update. The mental update is I'm tired of here we go one more thing to deal with. I guess that is life and when I start the woe is me pitty party I am reminded of all those dealing with so much more than me. My battle has been less than five weeks and things are looking good. So many have battled for years or decades and are battling again or are so young and shouldn't have to be battling with this. I wish I were less selfish. I try to remind myself how well taken care of I really am and how blessed I am. Its hard when things don't go the way I want them to go which surprisingly is often maybe that in itself is trying to tell me something. So I'm trying really hard to remember I'm not alone in this or in anything and thank God for the blesses that I do have especially the support and people that shower me constantly with love. Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me and most importantly prayed through this.
So tomorrow the blog is going to read simply "I kicked that cancer" or if not then I know God will see me through it.
I love you all!!
Yes it true I have a blood clot but its not that big of a deal more a frustration just another thing to deal with. It is in my lungs and we have talked with my pulmonologist in Lubbock and are treating it and the best thing is she is letting me go back on my asthma meds (in fact was pretty upset they had taken me off). Everything else looks good and hopefully we will get lab tests back on the lymph nodes tomorrow. My oxygen levels were back up to 89 from 79 yesterday and about 92 is about as good as it normally gets for me so that is a good sign and I'm breathing better and no longer in pain so everything is looking up. I just get tired really easy which I'm not used to but I guess is expected.
A lot of you have asked what the next step is. Well assuming the lymph nodes come back negative which I am sure they are going to because God knows I'm getting frustrated and don't really want to deal with much more the next step is on the 10th to have another pap smear and blood work to see if there are still high cancer enzymes and to see if there are still abnormal cells. At this point we will determine if the LEEP procedure (what I call the Cervix Freeze) is necessary. Yesterday was the first I heard it may not be necesarry but apparently the Dr. things it really was isolated.
So that is the update.
Some of you have asked what to specifically pray for so here are my top 5:
1) My frustration level is high although I'm trying not to let it get the best of me it just seems like one thing after another
2) The Dr. will only be able to say "Cancer Free"
3) My dear blue haven mentor and friend Jo Dee Kelly who has so bravely fought cancer so many times and now has throat cancer and undergoing treatment. And for that matter all those who have to go through these frustrations.
4) My sister in law who had a seizure as most of you know a few weeks ago has been diagnosed with psuedotumor cerebri and is having a lot of difficulties with that tests etc.
5) The blood clot will unclot quickly. For those of you who know the Boyles kids I've got them praying because I'm supposed to go there this weekend so I'll be all set!!!
So that is the physical update. The mental update is I'm tired of here we go one more thing to deal with. I guess that is life and when I start the woe is me pitty party I am reminded of all those dealing with so much more than me. My battle has been less than five weeks and things are looking good. So many have battled for years or decades and are battling again or are so young and shouldn't have to be battling with this. I wish I were less selfish. I try to remind myself how well taken care of I really am and how blessed I am. Its hard when things don't go the way I want them to go which surprisingly is often maybe that in itself is trying to tell me something. So I'm trying really hard to remember I'm not alone in this or in anything and thank God for the blesses that I do have especially the support and people that shower me constantly with love. Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me and most importantly prayed through this.
So tomorrow the blog is going to read simply "I kicked that cancer" or if not then I know God will see me through it.
I love you all!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)