More Delays

Well Thanksgiving in Branson with the fam and AVA was good (I'll have to post some pics soon) but I got that dreaded stomach virus flu thingy mabopper that they passed around before I got there and wow it wiped me out. While by Monday I was feeling better my white blood count is up fighting it and allergies and who knows what all else. Well I can't start the interferon treatments until my blood count gets below like 12,000 and some lympha something number gets below 3,200 so they aren't quite there (although much better than Tuesday) so here goes another frustrating wait and take a million thumb pricks (blood tests) game.

Anyway amidst my frustration and whatever else you call those emotions my friends come through and my friend Mandy sent me this and well it made me smile. I know with the economy and just a ton of different things for different people some the first holidays without loved ones, some fighting cancer or other illnesses, some with family problems, some financial issues the list could go on and on but well SMILE!!!! It does make it better!!

"Smile" Nat King Cole

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

My Changed Life

For 32 years and 8 months to the date the word Cancer was a word I never liked and my heart would ache when I heard of its attack on a person I knew or a friend of a loved one. I was one of those friends that cared so much but didn't really know what to say or do because I didn't understand the roller coaster, the frustration, the invasion upon any kind of routine, the endless range of emotions. I'd offer my feeble I'm so sorry and maybe mutter an I'm praying for you and your family and I would go on with my life. It might or might not come up in a conversation but it sure wasn't the Queen of my life. That all changed on December 30, 2009. No longer was it just a word some people dealt with it became my reality. I don't fleetingly think about it anymore its constantly on my mind. I don't just if I remember mumble a prayer I cry out I scream I'm begging...
The thing you can't understand and is so hard to explain is the ups and downs and the fears and guilt and the what ifs and the whys and the if onlys and the well I could go on and on.
It is hard for me because it is hard for me to express and share my emotions and deepest thoughts thanks to what we counselors call the great FOO (family of origin). Don't take that wrong I'm not blaming my family it is just harder for me to go out of that comfort zone but I also know not going out of it is unhealthy.
Lately one of the hardest things (other than sheer frustration in it seeming that there is one mess and complication or delay after another) is the immense amount of guilt at the feelings and questions I do have. I am so blessed. But my thoughts are consumed with the selfishness of why me and yet the guilt of knowing why not me. And the questions - how does this all work and why. And they feel so silly at times because my faith is supposed to be greater than the thoughts of things like is this just a big lottery system or why can't I just have one thing I really want oh wait I am blessed. Thoughts like I would give up everything I do have just to have something that I want more.
So here is what cancer does - it is an invasive attacking mess that wipes you out physically, drains you emotionally, and challenges you spiritually. And then friends come in and build a little bit of that up pieces at a time. My life will never be the same and I don't know if I'll ever understand it but I keep waking up and I keep walking so here we go...

The Winner IS:

Thanks to all who voted. After much unneeded stress and deliberation and agonizing over fonts and words and titles and pointless things in life...it is my believe that VistaPrint (via the UPS guy and my friend that went and picked them up) delivered the business cards and other marketing items they so generously offered to me for free. Here is what I think they should look like. Things are coming together the couch and chairs are in and I'm gonna stop at Ikea on Monday and I think by mid October I'll be up and running. Thanks for all your support (and referrals ha!!)

The Furniture

You asked for pics that weren't on a tiny cell phone screen so here you go. It will be complemented by other things I'm not sure what. The carpet is brown so definitely a rug. I was going to paint gray now not sure. I feel a trip to IKEA coming on though maybe when I'm in DFW in a few days.