Friday, October 12, 2007
Stroller/Car Seat Help
Two blogs in one day I know overkill but I have some friends who are having a baby late December early January and are making that big contemplative decision of what brand kind safety issued etc. of stroller/car seat combo to get for their little precious baby jack. As many of you are experts at this I thought I would solicit your help for suggestions what brand the good the bad the ugly about that certain product or any websites with information you could suggest. THANKS for your help!!!!
PUBLISHED
Now allow me to brag a second without feeling bad!!! I am officially published in a public newspaper. Now this is a big deal to 1) an MFT grad student desperate to have anything to pad a resume in about a year in a field that loves articles and 2) to a person that loves to write but is too insecure to let people read her stuff. Now granted this article appeared in the smallest Christian newspaper (The Way) ever published and in Abilene at that but neverthe less if you care to indulge me and read the blogged internet version (minus my awful picture) here you go:
I am not an insect lover especially when it comes to those crawly eight legged bugs. Just writing the word spider gives me chills. Somehow, someway those little creatures manage to get past the saturation of liquid poison that I have sprayed around our doors and the outside perimeter of our house. Yesterday was a bright sunny day, so I decided that I needed to let some sunlight into my house to counteract the devastation that the A&M Aggies were heaping upon themselves during the third quarter of what should have been an easy home game. Therefore, I pulled up the blinds to our window only to discover a huge, no an enormous, spider in the midst of an even bigger web.
Naturally I screamed, but once I calmed down, I noticed that trapped in this web was a fly, seemingly in inescapable pain from the trap of the web. I wondered if this was the same fly that I had heard buzzing around my apartment all week but ignored. It made me immediately think of Brene Brown’s book Women and Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connections, in which she describes how shame traps us in a web. I pulled down the shutters faster than lightening strikes, and it made me wish that I could pull down the shutters over the web of shame that so often traps me in unavoidable internal pain.
Just like I had ignored that buzzing fly for days, shame is often ignored in our everyday discussions because frankly it is often just too dark and painful, too unapproachable and sad, and too secretive about which to talk. This avoidance thus increases the amount of shame we experience and sets up a never ending cycle of continued failure. Unfortunately, shame is very real and the consequences at times can be devastating. By facing shame head on, however, we can wage war against the web that so easily entangles us.
Shame has not always been a part of our lives. In the beginning God made man, male and female, and he exclaims that his creation is good. They were basked in God’s perfection, and the Bible even emphasizes in Genesis 2 that, “they felt no shame.” Then the man and woman succumbed to sin, and mankind has been fighting feelings of shame ever since; sometimes feelings so deep, intense, and painful that we hide from everything and everyone including ourselves and God.
What exactly is shame? Is it the same as guilt? Is it the same as embarrassment? I believe it is independent of guilt and embarrassment and is a deeper, more painful, longer lasting feeling that can eventually define a person. Wikipedia defines shame as, “the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.” While Brown’s book is written to a female audience her definition of shame is relevant for men as well, for shame does not discriminate according to gender. According to Brown, shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.”
Shame, however, is different from guilt. In their book Facing Shame, Fossum and Mason state that, “guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." Therefore, while guilt is feeling bad for something we did, shame is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is also different from embarrassment. While one can feel shame from embarrassment, embarrassment results from an event that occurred that involved public humiliation. We may quickly get over the embarrassment of the incident but the shame may continue to fester inside of us. When we are embarrassed our face turns red; when we feel shame are hearts turn frail.
As feelings of unworthiness continue to increase inside of us, we respond in one of several ways. Some people start to reach out to anybody and anything for just a spark of love and attention. They feel worthless about themselves and therefore search for anything to make them feel like they are valuable. The feelings are so ingrained, however, that any admonishment received is short lived. When those plagued by shame are criticized they often become anxious and depressed due to their lack of self-confidence. Eventually they live in a depressive anxiety state as they adapt to the beliefs that they are inherently flawed. Others feel worthless and spend their lives proving they are worthless. However, they still have that deep need to be seen and known and often turn to alcohol, drugs, or other criminal activity or acting out behavior. They trudge through the existence of everyday life as if everything is great on the outside while on the inside they are in inner turmoil and despair, feeling trapped, lonely, and hopeless. People that experience deep shame do not believe that they are worthwhile to anyone, especially to God.
The great news is that there is hope! To break the hold of shame we must understand the things that cause us to be vulnerable to shame. These feelings most often develop in young children and teenagers and are often brought about unintentionally by parents or close friends. As a child, traumatic events, such as physical or sexual abuse, can leave a young person believing they are worthless. Also, humiliation and demeaning types of discipline can invoke the tendency towards worthlessness in young children. Saying things like, “you look ridiculous”, “don’t you have any pride?”, and “I can and will treat you any way I want to” tell children that they are not worthy of their parents’ love and can plant a seed of shame in their heart.
Therefore, it is critical for parents to be aware of what is being said to children and to instill a sense of unconditional love and belonging in their children. Let children know it is their act of disobedience or act of potential harm that you do not like and are punishing rather than who they are. It is essential not to squelch a child’s spirit or creativity but to encourage them to find and express their inner feelings. Instill pride in your child. Praise your child when they do their best in academics, sports, and other school activities and do not demand the unachievable from them. Fully accept and value your children.
According to Brown, as we grow older, shame takes over by setting up a wave of expectations from many different sources trapping us in a web that is impossible to negotiate, thus leaving us trapped, powerless, and isolated. These expectations come from all angles: parents, church, friends, family, society, media, and spouses just to name a few. For instance, this weekend I scanned the magazine racks at the grocery store and noted in less than 30 seconds that I am not skinny enough, that I am not fit enough, that I do not date enough, and that I do not dress fashionably enough. All of these expectations started invoking feelings of shame within me. And this is just one of the many sources that continually thrust expectations upon me telling me how I should act and who I should be.
To overcome this shame, Brown introduces the idea of shame resilience. While we may have the tendency to become trapped in the shame web, by learning how to resist this trap we can overcome the pain of worthlessness. Brown introduces four elements to opposing shame: 1) acknowledge personal vulnerability; 2) be aware of your own personal shame web and what often traps you; 3) a willingness to reach out to others that can show empathy as opposed to sympathy; and 4) understand how shame works and where it comes from. As we become more aware of the expectations from the outside that trap us and work to release the strongholds in our lives, we begin to discover the gift of who we are; a special being created uniquely in the image of God.
Individuals with deep-seeded shame need to be unconditionally accepted and loved. There is no greater experience of this love and demonstration of worthiness than from God’s gift of his Son, but if you know someone that lives with shame, be an empathetic friend and accept them, refrain from judging them, and show them unreserved love. While building up shame resilience to tear down the web of shame that so often traps us takes time and patience, it is well worth the effort when a person with feelings of shame and unworthiness can finally declare and fully believe that they are valuable!
Shame: Waging War against Hidden Internal Pain
I am not an insect lover especially when it comes to those crawly eight legged bugs. Just writing the word spider gives me chills. Somehow, someway those little creatures manage to get past the saturation of liquid poison that I have sprayed around our doors and the outside perimeter of our house. Yesterday was a bright sunny day, so I decided that I needed to let some sunlight into my house to counteract the devastation that the A&M Aggies were heaping upon themselves during the third quarter of what should have been an easy home game. Therefore, I pulled up the blinds to our window only to discover a huge, no an enormous, spider in the midst of an even bigger web.
Naturally I screamed, but once I calmed down, I noticed that trapped in this web was a fly, seemingly in inescapable pain from the trap of the web. I wondered if this was the same fly that I had heard buzzing around my apartment all week but ignored. It made me immediately think of Brene Brown’s book Women and Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connections, in which she describes how shame traps us in a web. I pulled down the shutters faster than lightening strikes, and it made me wish that I could pull down the shutters over the web of shame that so often traps me in unavoidable internal pain.
Just like I had ignored that buzzing fly for days, shame is often ignored in our everyday discussions because frankly it is often just too dark and painful, too unapproachable and sad, and too secretive about which to talk. This avoidance thus increases the amount of shame we experience and sets up a never ending cycle of continued failure. Unfortunately, shame is very real and the consequences at times can be devastating. By facing shame head on, however, we can wage war against the web that so easily entangles us.
Shame has not always been a part of our lives. In the beginning God made man, male and female, and he exclaims that his creation is good. They were basked in God’s perfection, and the Bible even emphasizes in Genesis 2 that, “they felt no shame.” Then the man and woman succumbed to sin, and mankind has been fighting feelings of shame ever since; sometimes feelings so deep, intense, and painful that we hide from everything and everyone including ourselves and God.
What exactly is shame? Is it the same as guilt? Is it the same as embarrassment? I believe it is independent of guilt and embarrassment and is a deeper, more painful, longer lasting feeling that can eventually define a person. Wikipedia defines shame as, “the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.” While Brown’s book is written to a female audience her definition of shame is relevant for men as well, for shame does not discriminate according to gender. According to Brown, shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.”
Shame, however, is different from guilt. In their book Facing Shame, Fossum and Mason state that, “guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." Therefore, while guilt is feeling bad for something we did, shame is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is also different from embarrassment. While one can feel shame from embarrassment, embarrassment results from an event that occurred that involved public humiliation. We may quickly get over the embarrassment of the incident but the shame may continue to fester inside of us. When we are embarrassed our face turns red; when we feel shame are hearts turn frail.
As feelings of unworthiness continue to increase inside of us, we respond in one of several ways. Some people start to reach out to anybody and anything for just a spark of love and attention. They feel worthless about themselves and therefore search for anything to make them feel like they are valuable. The feelings are so ingrained, however, that any admonishment received is short lived. When those plagued by shame are criticized they often become anxious and depressed due to their lack of self-confidence. Eventually they live in a depressive anxiety state as they adapt to the beliefs that they are inherently flawed. Others feel worthless and spend their lives proving they are worthless. However, they still have that deep need to be seen and known and often turn to alcohol, drugs, or other criminal activity or acting out behavior. They trudge through the existence of everyday life as if everything is great on the outside while on the inside they are in inner turmoil and despair, feeling trapped, lonely, and hopeless. People that experience deep shame do not believe that they are worthwhile to anyone, especially to God.
The great news is that there is hope! To break the hold of shame we must understand the things that cause us to be vulnerable to shame. These feelings most often develop in young children and teenagers and are often brought about unintentionally by parents or close friends. As a child, traumatic events, such as physical or sexual abuse, can leave a young person believing they are worthless. Also, humiliation and demeaning types of discipline can invoke the tendency towards worthlessness in young children. Saying things like, “you look ridiculous”, “don’t you have any pride?”, and “I can and will treat you any way I want to” tell children that they are not worthy of their parents’ love and can plant a seed of shame in their heart.
Therefore, it is critical for parents to be aware of what is being said to children and to instill a sense of unconditional love and belonging in their children. Let children know it is their act of disobedience or act of potential harm that you do not like and are punishing rather than who they are. It is essential not to squelch a child’s spirit or creativity but to encourage them to find and express their inner feelings. Instill pride in your child. Praise your child when they do their best in academics, sports, and other school activities and do not demand the unachievable from them. Fully accept and value your children.
According to Brown, as we grow older, shame takes over by setting up a wave of expectations from many different sources trapping us in a web that is impossible to negotiate, thus leaving us trapped, powerless, and isolated. These expectations come from all angles: parents, church, friends, family, society, media, and spouses just to name a few. For instance, this weekend I scanned the magazine racks at the grocery store and noted in less than 30 seconds that I am not skinny enough, that I am not fit enough, that I do not date enough, and that I do not dress fashionably enough. All of these expectations started invoking feelings of shame within me. And this is just one of the many sources that continually thrust expectations upon me telling me how I should act and who I should be.
To overcome this shame, Brown introduces the idea of shame resilience. While we may have the tendency to become trapped in the shame web, by learning how to resist this trap we can overcome the pain of worthlessness. Brown introduces four elements to opposing shame: 1) acknowledge personal vulnerability; 2) be aware of your own personal shame web and what often traps you; 3) a willingness to reach out to others that can show empathy as opposed to sympathy; and 4) understand how shame works and where it comes from. As we become more aware of the expectations from the outside that trap us and work to release the strongholds in our lives, we begin to discover the gift of who we are; a special being created uniquely in the image of God.
Individuals with deep-seeded shame need to be unconditionally accepted and loved. There is no greater experience of this love and demonstration of worthiness than from God’s gift of his Son, but if you know someone that lives with shame, be an empathetic friend and accept them, refrain from judging them, and show them unreserved love. While building up shame resilience to tear down the web of shame that so often traps us takes time and patience, it is well worth the effort when a person with feelings of shame and unworthiness can finally declare and fully believe that they are valuable!
Some final comments:
1) I still hate insects especially the dead crickets and half dead crickets (thankfully they aren't alive due to the spray) that are covering our garage apparently the rain brought the plague last night and our gray concrete is now black.
2) Yes the Aggies did manage to pull off a victory BUT they are done with the rinky dink teams Good riddance to coach FRAN!!!! (Tesney you are probably so happy BAMA didn't keep him!!!)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Small West Texas Town Incident Number....
well frankly I've lost count. So this is the story of the Abilene Airport and my trip a couple of weekends ago to Memphis. I hadn't been to Memphis in over a year and my good friend from Austin or Atlanta (yeah she has moved as much as I have) just moved to Ole Miss to take a crack at immulating John Grisham in other words she is going back to school to be a lawyer. Now having left the accounting world to go back to school I know some of the exciting emotions and the scared emotions and well all the other emotions. Anyway my other good friend from Memphis I hadn't seen since her mad dash trip to San Antonio that provoked my exuberant delay of a project for my own mad dash to S.A. to watch the Memphis Tigers get slaughtered well maybe that is strong but....Anyway the point is I'm going to Memphis to see my friends. Well I had this ticket from American Airlines from a trip that was supposed to have been a fun weekend in Chicago but ended up being a miserable existence in bed with a higher than 105 fever. So I was just going to fly from DFW on Friday to Little Rock and drive to Memphis and come back on Monday no problem. Well then I found out that we didn't get Labor Day off from class. I thought that Harding was the only unfeeling school to snatch Labor Day out of students grasp of a free day of school when of course its needed to deal with the adjustment of starting back school but anyway I wanted as much time as possible in Memphis so therefore after exploring internet flight options on the AA website I got the bright idea of flying out of Abilene at 5:30 AM. I was going to have to get up at 4 anyway to drive to DFW and this would just prevent me from falling asleep at the wheel.
Now there were many clues that should have clued me into the very awful idea this was. Here are just a few of those clues:
1). There is only one small sign off of the loop (of which by the way most of the time I can drive all the way around the loop and only see two or three other cars) for the airport.
2.) The airport is on the news all the time for improvements where the newscasters say the deceiving words of Abilene International Airport and follow that in the same breath with Abilene Regional Airport.
3.) The runway is about as long as my drive way.
4.) My roomate from California flew here to interview for the program and asked where the taxis were; all airports have taxis right?
5.) Whenever I have picked up friends they are usually at least two hours late AND the short and long term parking is on the curb of the drop off drive. Most airports send cops after you if you park here.
6.) The overflow parking is on a dirt parking lot.
7.) When you drive by on the loop you look over and see the storage lot for about 20 AA propellor planes. I guess each morning they just rotate which plane you fly in. Scary I know.
8.) AA is the ONLY airline that flies out of here. If there ain't southwest I should have know it was a bad idea
9.) It has rained here all summer and all this week and rain means props can't fly.
10.) and Finally the flight was at 5:30 AM that should have been enough to clue me in to THIS IS A VERY VERY BAD NO GOOD IDEA.
but....
well I booked it and yep baaaad idea. So I actually get up get to the airport by the designated 4:30 (I've missed a flight at a small airport before because the ticket checker in dude is the baggage loader dude and the people loader dude and so an hour before is essential) Well I get there and they tell me my flight has been delayed until guess what time 8:45!!!! Why not because of weather not because of mechanics I mean after all there is a whole lot of planes to choose from, but because the pilots need to sleep. WHATT???? I needed to sleep too. I guess I don't want them falling asleep flying me but there is two of them and its a 40 minutes flight why can't they sleep in DFW?
Well I settle down in one of the 10 chairs in the so called unairconditioned mosquito infested waiting room and try to remain happy but well lets just say after a disaster in DFW because I missed my connection and flights were full because of Labor Day weekend I finally got to Memphis and had a great weekend.
However, I will have to be paid exorbant amounts of money to fly out of this hole in the wall airport again!!! (Cobbie if you read this it is equivalent to the trailer in MS airport experience!!)
Now there were many clues that should have clued me into the very awful idea this was. Here are just a few of those clues:
1). There is only one small sign off of the loop (of which by the way most of the time I can drive all the way around the loop and only see two or three other cars) for the airport.
2.) The airport is on the news all the time for improvements where the newscasters say the deceiving words of Abilene International Airport and follow that in the same breath with Abilene Regional Airport.
3.) The runway is about as long as my drive way.
4.) My roomate from California flew here to interview for the program and asked where the taxis were; all airports have taxis right?
5.) Whenever I have picked up friends they are usually at least two hours late AND the short and long term parking is on the curb of the drop off drive. Most airports send cops after you if you park here.
6.) The overflow parking is on a dirt parking lot.
7.) When you drive by on the loop you look over and see the storage lot for about 20 AA propellor planes. I guess each morning they just rotate which plane you fly in. Scary I know.
8.) AA is the ONLY airline that flies out of here. If there ain't southwest I should have know it was a bad idea
9.) It has rained here all summer and all this week and rain means props can't fly.
10.) and Finally the flight was at 5:30 AM that should have been enough to clue me in to THIS IS A VERY VERY BAD NO GOOD IDEA.
but....
well I booked it and yep baaaad idea. So I actually get up get to the airport by the designated 4:30 (I've missed a flight at a small airport before because the ticket checker in dude is the baggage loader dude and the people loader dude and so an hour before is essential) Well I get there and they tell me my flight has been delayed until guess what time 8:45!!!! Why not because of weather not because of mechanics I mean after all there is a whole lot of planes to choose from, but because the pilots need to sleep. WHATT???? I needed to sleep too. I guess I don't want them falling asleep flying me but there is two of them and its a 40 minutes flight why can't they sleep in DFW?
Well I settle down in one of the 10 chairs in the so called unairconditioned mosquito infested waiting room and try to remain happy but well lets just say after a disaster in DFW because I missed my connection and flights were full because of Labor Day weekend I finally got to Memphis and had a great weekend.
However, I will have to be paid exorbant amounts of money to fly out of this hole in the wall airport again!!! (Cobbie if you read this it is equivalent to the trailer in MS airport experience!!)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Blessed
One thing that I have really been reminded of since seeing clients in the clinic here and working at the YMCA especially since both of those tend to serve a lower income population here in Abilene is how blessed I am. Not just physically, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally, educationally, etc. I sponsor a child in the Dominican Republic through Compassion International named Minouche. Basically I write her about once a month encouraging her and she writes me back and then I contribute a very small amount of money to her project so to speak for her schooling and clothes etc. I think I have sponsored her for 4 or 5 years now. Anyway, this year I decided I would send her a little extra money, a very little extra money for her birthday. $499.05 in fact in Domincan Currency which sounds like a lot but believe me in the US money was not that much. Anyway, I had hoped that she would be able to splurge and by herself something special. This is the latest letter I received from her, " I pray you and your whole family are doing well. I feel very happy to write back to you and thank you for the $499.05, my mom will buy me milk, chocalate, oats, eggs, and some other things......"
I racked my brain unsuccessfully to try to remember the last time I asked my mom to buy me milk or eggs for my birthday or for that matter chocalate. Now maybe I EXPECTED a chocalate cake but....
Anyway it made me think that even though I think I'm a poor college student I don't wander where my next meal will come from (for that matter have never wandered where my next meal will come from as you can probably tell), I don't wander if I'm going to be able to run my AC if I get too hot, I don't wander if I can take a shower or if the water has been cut off, I don't worry about having to figure out how I'm going to go somewhere I just hop in the car and go even at 3 complaining all the while bucks a gallon. I have clients that have to worry about these things. Beyond these things I have emotional blessings. I have friends that will listen to my ranting and raving, I have spiritual blessings, I have the ability and means to go to a Private college and get a Masters degree. I can go on and on. But I still complain and fuss and want more and wish I could afford this or that. Hmmm maybe we should have everything stripped away from us every once in a while to truly appreciate our blessings. I assigned a client of mine homework once for a week to write down 3 specific blessings everyday. Maybe I should assign myself that homework!!!
I racked my brain unsuccessfully to try to remember the last time I asked my mom to buy me milk or eggs for my birthday or for that matter chocalate. Now maybe I EXPECTED a chocalate cake but....
Anyway it made me think that even though I think I'm a poor college student I don't wander where my next meal will come from (for that matter have never wandered where my next meal will come from as you can probably tell), I don't wander if I'm going to be able to run my AC if I get too hot, I don't wander if I can take a shower or if the water has been cut off, I don't worry about having to figure out how I'm going to go somewhere I just hop in the car and go even at 3 complaining all the while bucks a gallon. I have clients that have to worry about these things. Beyond these things I have emotional blessings. I have friends that will listen to my ranting and raving, I have spiritual blessings, I have the ability and means to go to a Private college and get a Masters degree. I can go on and on. But I still complain and fuss and want more and wish I could afford this or that. Hmmm maybe we should have everything stripped away from us every once in a while to truly appreciate our blessings. I assigned a client of mine homework once for a week to write down 3 specific blessings everyday. Maybe I should assign myself that homework!!!
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