RAYS OF HOPE

This week has been one of those weeks where you know much anticipated news is coming but whether it is going to bring tears of joy or sadness is the unknown. Days of no news is not bad news so somehow you can finds ways to stay calm and continue life. Days when you wonder if things will ever calm down as you watch scenes of devastation unfold and pray that your news will not be so devastating. That it will end somewhere - the gray skies will turn to sunshine.

Many of you have heard me talk about or know my friends Tesney and Greg Davis and their journey of adopting a down syndrome child from Russia. They have gotten knocked down again and again on this journey. First a Russian judge says No. Then they are able to appeal to the Russian Supreme Court - A Ray of Hope. (and what determination I hated when I had to go to family court). Then the tornado hit Tuscaloosa. I would be thinking when is this going to end. And so through a long wait, guts and not giving up they went to the Supreme Court in Russia on Tuesday to appeal their case. Monday they found out that the Supreme Court could rule in their favor and that if they did they could bring their son home immediately. A Ray of Hope. And on Tuesday all of those rays equaled out to they are bringing their son home.

Now I'm in no way trying to compare my journey to theirs because I get the whole apples to apples thing but in so many ways it is apples to apples. (and not the game I hate that game!!!).

It is those little Rays of Hope that calm us - that keep the anxiety in check - that let life be bearable. And even when the freak outs and the tears and the emotions WAY out number them they are there and when they come what joy.

So I've chosen to focus on the Rays of Hope - today I got one. It all blew up Monday. There is a spot on one of those scans on your brain. We need to consult, we need signatures, meetings, waiting, more phone calls, stay calm, we don't know, now we are going to look at previous scans, etc., etc. I'll be honest I'm not sure how I have been able to go out in public. It is one of those protective mechanisms where you just pretend you aren't even you and in therapy terms the manager part kicks in.

Well today got the call from the social worker. Meeting at 3 we will know something soon. Then the call came. You think you will grab that call so fast but the fear sets in and I'm sure I just barely got it before it went to voicemail. Luckily the Dr. didn't beat around the bush just offered his RAY OF HOPE, "well the neurooncologist is 99.999% sure it IS NOT cancer just some spot that has been there all along and why you have probably had headaches that are so severe when you get them." Then there was the speechless period when you realize all those thoughts and images that you have been playing over in your mind for the past week are dead at least for a little bit longer. Then the tears flow and well a RAY OF HOPE what can I say.

And then is when another RAY is delivered (inside joke here but I'm chalking this one up to pray-n-bake) the area in my neck/shoulder well the neurooncologist really thinks it is bruising from busted blood vessels from an injury sight. Three reasons they gave 1) it did not spread significantly from month to month on the scans and 2) my blood work is only getting better not worse 3) the pain I have is more indicative of an injury. The plan is to aggressively treat it as an injury with ICE, pain killers for the swelling, and excersises and then see what happens.

What this would mean is huge. It would mean the interferon is working very well, it is not spreading, and the path to remission is very close. VERY CLOSE!! It also lessens the urgent need to find a Dr. And hopefully it means no more of those nightmares I've been having.

All this in total just be enough RAYS OF HOPE for the sun to shine on this week!!!!

So I guess I'll just go right back to procrastinating on that will.